Back In The Valley, Back At Burton Barr Branch Library.....

Back In The Valley, Back At The Burton Barr Branch Library.....I just had a nice four days out of the Valley and away from the house and Mom.  It was nice to be gone, it really was!  I am learning more and more that Mom, though I will give her that she probably did the best with her shitty upbringing and what she had to work with - she didn't do all that well by me raising me.  I did not get what I needed emotionally, not at all.  I had no one to talk to, to tell the truth of what was really going on to, to offer any empathy whatsoever.  No one to tell me that this would pass, that things would, if not get better, at least change.  I can see where this led to so many problems and so much rage for me - it was all about how things looked and all about my behavior, grades given to me by people who did not know what I was dealing with/enduring.  My Mother is and was essentially clueless as to how to raise a child, especially a boy, and she definitely has a set parameter she wants you to fall into and to her, it's not OK to be how and who you are if you don't fall into this set parameter.  And she has no problem with bringing others into the mix to guilt and shame and manipulate.  

On the other hand, society won't let me work and she does keep me off the streets.  But it, like anything else, does come at a price.  But I remember something Larry said years ago - why not be grateful that this person is showing you how not to be?  There truly is something to be said for that, and I also am grateful that not only did Mother Nature ensure that I was not in the gene pool, but that it's become crystal clear to me that it's inappropriate for me to be in a relationship.  I never did learn these skills and I also have sexual anhedonia - I don't have almost anything to offer that is sought in a relationship these days.  FINALLY I understand this, and though more than a bit depressing, this is also liberating.  There is no need to dazzler and/or impress - for what gain, for what purpose?  I don't have the life trajectory that is sought for in a relationship these days and that is that is that is that.  By any other color is still that.  

That is probably part of the reason that I get along with Hispanics and recent migrants so well overall - I am an outsider as to some degree they are.  The difference is that many of these people want to assimilate - I don't care to as I don't have the skills that are looked for in those seeking to assimilate.  Realistically, I really am best off going through life alone and playing the role of ghost/hiding in plain sight.  I wish I had known all of this sooner - boy was I ever brainwashed by Mom's line of thinking!!!  But at least I did not marry nor did I reproduce and at the age of 55 where I am offered reduced fare passes on the bus - I am quite likely invisible now and too old to be in the game, and given what I have attracted in the past, perhaps this is for the best anyhow, when you get right down to it. 

 Anyway, my first day in Nogales was last Tuesday, a week ago tomorrow. I drank too much that morning as I was stressed out and just wanted to break away - and I had a weird experience at a convenience store on the Rez right out of Phoenix on the way down.  I really need to start doing workaround to going to these convenience stores - some of them are so depressing, they really are.  Anyhow, I did get on down to Nogales and took a cab to the Siesta Motel, where I was indeed allowed to check in early and I also went to the Goodwill where I spent something like $12 as I found a few nice things but things were mostly picked over.  No shoes.  

The next day was a bit of a stressful one as I could not reach Mom first thing in the morning but with Abi's help I was able to reach her and she was OK Thank God, even though she completely and totally drives me nuts.  This was the day that I had a ptsd attack also and embarrassingly enough went off on a fraud rep at Navy Federal - apparently my NFCU checking account was hit up for $150 in fraudulent charges - GRRRRRR!!!!! Gotta say I was able to find workarounds and Navy Federal did indeed send me a replacement debit card to the hotel in Nogales which was beyond way wicked cool.  And overnight, too, once again, way wicked cool.  Bizarre too that the money I was able to access from Navy Federal before they closed the card was at the Wells Fargo close to the border on Crawford Street.  Is that not bizarre or what?  

Then I finished up at the Goodwill, where I did find some things - a nice wool rug, some bedding once again (have more then enough comforters now!!!), two pairs of jeans that it turns out do indeed fit, and other things.  I spent like $90 that day.  I gotta say though - things do seem picked over now and like the quality of the goods available has gone down.  And no shoes my whole visit!!! I'm thinking that during the pandemic, donations of decent things must have stacked up and now that's over and things are back to something like what passes for normal and now there are fewer good things.  Something else that bothers me too is that the purse I picked out for Mom was taken from my cart at some point when I left the store to deal with the fraud issue.  That sucks but it's also true that Mom has too many purses.  OMG is this ever the case.  Anyhow, I left around 3, giving business to Juan who was over at the Goodwill in less than 3 minutes.  So I did find some good things but it's not quite the same as it was, either.  

The next day, Thursday, was my favorite day.  I crossed into Mexico and had breakfast at the Hotel Fray Marcos, then had my teeth cleaned, then shopped for both meds and toiletries (I found that the anti-biotic I always buy went up to $17 a bottle, ouch!!!) and then I met Vanessa.  Found some wonderful watches from her Reloj Muchacho - and so so so so so much cheaper than I thought - I was thinking $200 each but the Daytona alike was $20 and the automatics were $40 - I am still absolutely stunned, just absolutely stunned.  It's who you know, definitely.  And afterwards, Vanessa was so nice to me, she took me on a quick tour of Nogales, and she apparently texted Abi that it felt good to see me happy - something that amazes me as I never thought anyone would ever care whether or not I was happy - and as a schizoid and as an essential loner, not having this comes with the territory, anyhow.  At any rate, that was very nice.  I did cross back into the US without any incident, surprisingly enough on my ID and birth certificate and name change paperwork.  My things were not even picked through, once again amazing me.

My last day, Friday, it rained very nicely late at night and I was able to get a minute of this on video.  It also rained my first night, too, and I do have video of this, but Friday's rain was longer and heavier.  I did go to the Goodwill once again on Friday and spent yet another $20, buying what I consider a nice comforter - light and machine washable - along with other bedding goods.  I did not have to take a cab back to the Siesta and for that I am grateful.  I also FINALLY spent time at the motel's pool and that was nice though it was clouding up while I was in the pool.  I also packed up on Friday and I am glad I did this when I did and not at the last minute as usual.  Friday was pretty much a low key day for me and I am also glad that I did not reenter Mexico - my business there was done and there was no reason to go back.  

Saturday - my day of return - was a good day.  Juan came by on time to take me to Arison, where this time I was charged $30 for excess bags - I didn't have the good luck I did last time but gas HAS gone up since then and not only that, I did not have to deal with the annoying jerk I usually get from Arison, the one I got on the way down.  After that, things went well.  I was able to sit up front, we did not have to leave the vehicle at the checkpoint (and I was only asked if I was a US citizen) and in Tucson, we did not stop to let off or take on passengers at their shuttle office. I was also the second person delivered home and there was no long exploration of the East Valley which is so often the case.  This was likely the smoothest trip home I have ever had.  I am grateful for that much.

And now back to working on the house for real, which has been made crystal clear to me.  And no apology for the past, and once again, how things look means more than everything else.  I am so glad I am not straight - though I will say here that my experience is that gay men are nothing to write home about, either - I am so glad that I did not marry nor reproduce.  That right there was the Intelligent Mother Nature keeping me out of the gene pool, and Mother Nature, I do appreciate that!  YES INDEED!!!  One thing I will say is that BOTH sides of my bloodline are/were fucked up - interesting that 1987, the most sweepingly intense and bizarre year of my life to date, made that clear.  I hope there will never be another 1987 for me in this life - it was just too much.  One thing after another after another after another.  Another horrible year for me was 1982 - due to the sheer isolation of it couple with Lyle Burkhart.  And then in 3rd place - 2012 - my ptsd/burnout coupled with Mom's recovery and then moving on to John Kuo's death and all the fallout surrounding that.  A very trying year for sure - it does not at all surprise me that the following year I had panic attacks on my insufficiently supported serving job at Flaming Gorge Resort in Utah, an event that made me give up on seasonal resort work and on food and beverage in general.  

More later,  Rob

Here Again At The Burton Barr Branch.....

Here Again At The Burton Barr Branch.....and I have come to the conclusion that I am going to withdraw more from society.  Such seems to be the only way to deal with the reality of what is going on here.  It's so crazy - having a schizophrenic father and a major depressive mother and their being drunk all the time while I was under Peter's roof in New Hampshire - and when the inevitable calls from the school came in regards to my behavior, shaming and guilting me in regards to said behavior, even though what was going on at home was far from sane.  And now - all these years later, I can't get an apology nor will I.  And it's 

OK for her friend in Vienna to slip in that nasty comment in regards to my trip to Bangkok in 2017 - and this is a society I really WANT to be part of?  For what purpose, for what reason, for what sane gain?  

And then that really horrible day in 8th grade, before I set foot at CBHS, in regards to Mom washing her hands of my problems.  I remember trying to talk to her and her saying very cruelly to me - Go find yourself a friend.  In other words, I don't want to hear it and I am washing my hands of it.  Which meant I had to face everything alone and with no help, no support, no one to talk to, and just no one there.  All on my own.  God that hurt, it really hurt and likely is a big reason I turned out schizoid.  This was the only real option available to me to be able to even begin to deal with what was going on in my life.  

Those four years were such hell in my life - I did not have any social skills leading into CBHS, nor did I learn social skills during my four years there.  And I am talking of basic teamwork and social skills - the kind of skills that had me bounced from being feature editor on the school paper - I only wish I had learned from this that I did not have the skills required and would be best off self employed or working completely alone as much as was/is humanly possible.  

Gotta say these days I do best with migrants and recent immigrants as I always have.  I don't do well with women and I just had an unpleasant encounter with a lady behind the checkout counter here at Burton Barr pulling power on me over my non-lidded drink cup, when I have been told twice by security here that I could bring it in if I were careful with it.  I really dislike how women have to control such petty issues and how ugly interacting with them can be - and this comes from someone who once much preferred dealing with women over men as I had been treated so horribly by boys growing up.  Now I feel more afraid of women as a whole and I do try to avoid them as much as is possible.  Case in point, recently at Safeway I left a young lady's line to go to the line with the middle aged male cashier.  And I am glad I did this as the young woman had a attitude and I did not need to deal with that, not at all.  Matter of fact in the future I will be trying to avoid young women as much as possible as they as a group do come across as extremely toxic and entitled.  

Looks like my purchase on gevshop.com yesterday was a mistake and that the site is a scam and not legit.  Thank God I ordered by Paypal so that I can get a full refund if I receive nothing - I'll give it 30 days and I will wait to see if I hear anything or receive anything.  I have the feeling that this is going to be a refund situation - but at least that would be safe, if nothing else.  How aggravating!!! Now I have yet another issue in my life to babysit, just what I need.  I should have known better!!! 

OK I DID call Paypal and it DOES seem as if I can get a full refund if this is a scam and also, my account has been frozen.  I will need to unfreeze to buy things to sell on Mercari but I can call and unfreeze and then refreeze and I think this may indeed be for the best.  I just need to get an electronic scale and a cheap printer so I can print out address labels on Mercari.  And it will be so so so good to get rid of stuff, OMG!!! I have all that stuff from all those years waiting tables - why not just get rid of it all?  Seriously, just get rid of it all!  It's not doing me any favors nor is it any memorabilia of any happy time in my life.  Waiting tables for me was a nightmare and I have to say I am kind of glad that I am getting all these rejections - so different from back in the day when this was done face to face.  That was a whole different era and one I fear that will not be returning.  But let's give it a month and see if we actually get anything from gevshop.  I rather doubt it at this point, but let's see.  I did more research and it sure seems as if gevshop indeed is a scam.  Thank God that I can get this money back on Paypal!  And once I file a fraud claim, there will be no interest on the disputed portion, Thank God!  So it's just a waiting game on my end, I guess, but one thing I will say is NEVER AGAIN do I buy something like that online - just NEVER AGAIN.  

One thing I will say is that I am leaving for Nogales this coming Tuesday and I am so glad for that. I really do need to get away - my life is like at a total standstill and I don't know how one gets out of this - not after all this time.  It will be nice to get my teeth cleaned and to pick up a few meds and it will also be nice to hit the Goodwill - this may be my last trip for awhile so I will try to make the most of it.  I will get there as early as I can on Tuesday so that I can hit the Goodwill - good thing I called them yesterday and found out that I can check in at 615 AM so I can drop my things off at the Siesta and then run right down to the Goodwill.  Goody.  Once I come back I will need to adult up as much as I don't care to, I am going to need to do so anyway, so that I can get rid of things and move on.  It will be nice when it is finally done but it won't be like being alone in Portland - I cohabitate with my Mother - who is still a woman - and it's never done with a woman.  It can never just be OK or simple or easy or done.  You are always waiting for some kind of insane attack of some kind - it can never be the peace I once knew being alone.  And being alone is indeed peaceful, and it is indeed addictive.  I believe more and more and more that the loneliness I felt in high school was social conditioning more than anything else as being alone to me is second nature.  And realistically always has been, as growing up and until I met Tim I was almost always alone anyway - alone was like my natural state.  

And there IS one nice thing if gevshop.com is indeed a scam.  I don't have to worry about any US CBP hassles.  So there's a win in a way right there, yes indeed.  So this is not a great crisis, Thank God.  And companies like Paypal are used to fraud, anyway, this is not going to be all that big a deal to them.  I don't need to worry about them treating me poorly but I will not be buying anything like this again online - LESSON LEARNED.  

And here's a positive spin on everything - I want to go back to Guadalajara - that makes so much sense to me as Guadalajara I visited in that free spending travelling period of my life after leaving Portland and it's the place I remember most from this time and it dates back to before I ever waited a table.  No                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               w all these years later I find myself once again lost without direction just as I was back in 1996 when I visited there.  If nothing else, going to Guadalajara would serve as a bookend in time.  What comes after this bookend I have no idea, but it would serve as a bookend in time.  And the hotel I stayed at is still there - under different ownership, but still there, and a tiny bit cheaper than the price I paid back in 1996, if such can be believed.  

I am glad that Abi is our tenant these days - he is a decent guy and I do believe he likes me and is happy here.  And that is enough for me - shame on me for questioning and wondering - I am going through life ALONE.  That is truly the best choice for me - and those are the cards I have drawn, for better or worse.  

Just looked at the weather forecast for Nogales, Arizona starting on Tuesday and it would seem as if there is a decent chance for rain.  Good.  This monsoon so far has been nothing like last year's very showy and productive one - so far it's been a few storms and a little rain so it's not as bad as Summer 2000, but to date it's been nothing great, either.  And recently I clicked on weather history for Phoenix NOAA and saw the storms of 1999 when I was working at Red Devil and the bartender Diane was making fun of me - One thing I will say is that I actually feel complimented that Red Devil fired me, I really did.  I remember when I walked over there one shift to find out that I had been fired and I was not even upset as I did not like that place anyway and I was not offended that they fired me.  It really was a shitty place and they treated their help horribly.   I still can't believe it's been 23 years now since that year - I remember I was going to take Phoenix food and beverage by storm and now I am like WTF was I thinking?  

I don't miss waiting tables, I really don't.  That time was not a total waster in the sense that at least because I waited tables all those years I do qualify for a small SS check - very small - and I do qualify for Medicaid at 65.  Those are two perks I do appreciate from those crazy years - but I lasted longer doing this than likely I would have lasted doing anything else.  So at least there's that.  But it does seem now as if the business has just shoved me aside, though part of that I suspect is the online app thing.  I can remember going in person, dressing up a bit, turning on some charm, and getting jobs - it used to be so much easier than it is now.  I honestly believe that I may never work for someone else again - jobs that I could once get are just passing me by these days.  Even that cocktail serving job at Cambria is a no-go - received the rejection email today.  At this point, I expect any job I apply for to send me a rejection email - I am just not hip to this new way of doing things, and I am too old and I test positive for THC and I can't pass a background check.  I have so many red flags it's like May 1st in Red Square in Moscow pre-collapse of the Soviet Union.      \

I find it amazing that many of the jobs I once held I can no longer obtain due to background checks.  No way can I do retail, or county government (given all the changes since 9/11, is it even possible to believe that I once worked for local government?) - I can't even get a work study job these days - though my college days are long behind me.  I could not get a temp job as I learned in 2000 with Kelly Services, and I can't pass the background check that the North Rim would do on me (if I indeed had rehire status, which I don't).  My point here is that many of the jobs I once held I could not get these days, for better or worse.  That's just how it is now.  

I can still donate plasma if they will let me, I can still do medical research.  I can list on Mercari and I can do surveys.  I can still do some mystery shopping, too, though that's pretty much on it's way to the dust bin of history is my guess.   Matter of fact I just read a thread on mysteryshopforum.com regarding mystery shopping not being what it used to be and from what I am seeing, I would agree with this.  With inflation so high, it's just not cool that MSC's are trying to pay LESS now - they are not going to get good shops if this is the case, that's for sure.  I am glad that I snagged that $40 shop - but I am also of the opinion that that might be it for some time.  And I am not on good terms with so many of the MSC's - Interestingly enough I am on good terms with Intellishop, a company that is reputed to be ultra picky.  And I think that's it.  I'm not even on good terms with Kern these days.  Whatever - it's not worth my while to run around town on the bus for so little money, it really is not.  I would be better off doing a very short term medical research study or selling on Mercari.  But I do miss some of the shops I once did - the Medicare shops were great, and I miss some of the banking shops also.  I miss the few times I have gotten some kind of perk out of it, and my best perk?  Membership in Navy Federal Credit Union, and then also getting Mom out of Wells Fargo and into Navy Federal, Thank God.  I am so glad her old branch on 20th and Camelback closed last May I believe it was and is now a Nationwide Vision - you'd never know it was a Wells Fargo before and I am so so so glad to see them gone.  I just wish they would get bought out and go away forever!  

I don't see myself doing many shops in the future as the money is not there and the shops themselves really are not there, either.  It is a business that seems to be fading away.  Definitely one that is changing.  And not for the better.  I miss my Robert Taylor shops and my shops of the Arizona Humane Society Thrift Shop, though bummer deal?  The thrift shop I used to shop up at 9th and Hatcher is now closed.  That is a bummer, indeed.  And I miss shopping shoe stores, too, except for that unpleasant experience at Broadway shoes some time ago, I think right after I returned from Thailand in 2017.  And something else funky?  Next month is ten years since I was forced to report to Arizona Department of Economic Security for the job seekers class.  Ten years!  Amazing!  And since then I have only held one job in Utah very briefly and also I did a few banquet shifts for Party Staff.  They must really be hurting these days after the huge covid hit!  I was really turned off working there after having dealt with Courtney some years ago and I don't have the upper body strength I once had, something that became rapidly apparent to me when I did a banquet shift years ago at the Downtown Sheraton.  Best that I avoid that line of work, yes indeed.  

I don't know what there can be for me in the future, I really don't.  I wish I had grasped that when I left Utah, I left food and beverage, for better or worse.  And after being threatened with being tased and arrested when I had done absolutely nothing wrong, I really was best served by fleeing, which I did.  Not the ending I was expecting, no, but it is how things turned out.  One nice thing I will say - I am GLAD I was able to visit that dinosaur museum on my way out of town - now that was cool.  And even Vernal was bizarre - remember that hotel employee who entered my room without knocking?  That was icky to say the least!  It was nice though to pass through Utah and it was nice to see Salt Lake City - I really DID like it, especially the library downtown.  Beautiful mountain views from there. 

If I'm not going to be working, maybe I can be creating some kind of channel on Youtube, or do some kind of podcast?  What do I know anything about? 

It really is about being kicked to the curb, isn't it?  I don't know what there can be in the future to occupy my time and do something constructive as even to volunteer you will be background checked these days.  The last time I remember feeling truly a bit human was at the set aside clinic I went to at the Burton Barr Branch Library here a few weeks ago.  That was cool as people were trying to help those who had made mistakes and all were treated kindly and respectfully.  It was amazing in the sense that I was discussing that which to me was once such a source of shame and humiliation - and I was treated humanely regardless.  That was nice and I did appreciate that, but I can't think of any other situations that I might qualify for in which I might be treated that way.  And there is no expungment in Arizona - something that very much sucks.  

Hey I found Stand By Your Manhood here at the public library - going to go downstairs and get a new card and check it out.  Also glad I was able to get here and drop off four more books!  I will continue to do so for sure!  Until we are even Steven once more.  

Anyway, more later, Rob

Burton Barr Library Branch Yet Again.....

Burton Barr Library Branch Yet Again.....And this is cool.  Other than for Arizona Central and Spectrum Medical on Friday, I believe I have an open and clear set of days until I take off for Nogales a week from today.  That will be good, it will be so good to be out of town and away from Austria and female nature for a few days.  I honestly don't know how I dealt with/handled this for so many years and stayed sort of functional - though I will say now I understand why I remained waiting tables for so long - you can be a nutcase as a server - as long as you can move fast and not generate complaints for the most part you can get away with it, unlike working in an office, something for which I am not at all appropriate.  It's amazing to me when I applied for that clerical job with Multnomah County in 1992, how little I truly knew myself.  I am so so so glad now that I learned that office work is not for me, not at all.  The last time I even tried to do office work was the first time my background was held against me, back in 2000.

I remember I applied with Kelly Services, a temp company, for an office job with the State - a basic type of job.  I did get 8 hours with this job but when I returned home I had a call telling me that was that was that was that and to not report to this employer any more.  In other words, my background was discovered and used against me.  That right there was the last time I ever tried office work and now that I understand female nature much better, there is no way I would want to work in an office today.  Just no way.  I wish I had known this earlier on, I really do.  

I really look back and wonder how I could have been so stupid after that Communications credit class in 1986 at NAU - my very first semester there no less!!! - and I remember that class exercise regarding cooperation/getting puzzle pieces together and how I was tapped as the problem person and how that just landed on me out of nowhere and how painful that really was.  Why did I not understand right then and there that I would be better off self employed, running the show entirely myself?  I never got what I needed growing up to not be the problem person that long ago day 36 - can you believe it now - 36 years ago.  That was truly dense on my part.  If I could do the whole thing over I would do web design today - this is a way in which I could be self employed and hope to make anything at all.  I really don't belong much in everyday society, I just don't when you get right down to it, and I wish I had accepted this about myself many years ago.  Though things are really insane these days, one NICE thing about society falling apart is that men are more and more walking away from women and you are not going to be judged for being single as much as you would have when I was growing up.  And this is a good thing as it seems to me most relationships are really not all that great, anyhow, and I never learned the skills and finesse to start one, let alone keep one going.  And with my anhedonia, I really am broken/damaged goods, whether I like it or not.  

I need to accept that I will be going through this alone, for better or worse.  And there is nothing at all wrong with that, nothing whatsoever.  I so wish I had known that years ago - though I will say on some level I did as I remember speaking to Mr Rabe all those years ago in Special Ed at Roselane School in 1978, years and years ago, when I told him I didn't want to get married.  No Thank You.  And I remember when he said marriage would help you socially and at the time that was true, unfortunately.  Today this is no longer the case like it once was and for the most part, single is not going to work against you except with petty females.  I can remember how Astrid takes such issue with my being unmarried and childless, and how Sandy whatsherface in Hong Kong who I bought pearls from had issues with my being single, too - now that was totally a trip, yes indeed it very much was.  

I am grateful for two things here - no three - years ago, Charlie mentioned that my Mother had never shown me love and she had not.  He was right.  And then Joe Simms - he rented the spare bedroom and left my Mother's rental as she was too bizarre for him, running after a ringing phone like a total nutcase.  And then Peter Rubas, standing up for me to Mom on that riverboat up the Danube.  I really appreciated this last, him being Austrian. I guess this proves that not ALL of Austria is bad, but I don't want anything to do with Rosi going forward due to her comment about m my alleged reason for going to Thailand and for even thinking such was the slightest bit acceptable to even say.  I will avoid like a plague going forward, and I am also grateful for this alleged new 5 Euro fee to pick up any international mail - this means that I am immune from sending them anything Thank God.  I really wish Peter and Astrid were not coming next year to be honest - it means all kinds of blue pill stress that does not have to happen and I am so so so sick of that, I really am.  Why can't people just accept that I never got what I needed to live that life and that I am broken and damaged good anyhow and due to this, I really am best off not living that life.  For me it would be disastrous.  But these are very judgmental people who just are not ever going to get that, period.  And I really resent Rosi for what she said and the fact that Mom is OK with her having said it and the fact that there will be no consequence for her.  Best to avoid women period other than for brief superficial reasons that are hard to get out of without looking like a horrible person. 

Something I am understanding is that I really am not a horrible person and Mom really did screw me up too - it wasn't just Peter.  And the public school system too - really screwed me up.  Today I would be able to do the whole thing online and that really would be the best way for someone like me to go anyway - I really learned little in high school and I can honestly say that it was nothing but an utter waste of time for me - though it did continue to marginalize me and I did continue to learn that there really was/is no place for someone like me in society.  I remember that I did learn a little algebra and that was kind of cool though I never did care much for math, anyway - but the algebra I did not know going in, so there's that.  And something else I don't like - some employers are testing you annually now on things like math and if you don't pass - BUH BYE.  Why would I put up with that, for what gain, for what reason?  

It's amazing in a way but I wonder if those panic attacks in Utah nine years ago were actually my friend?  They got me out of food and beverage and also the craziness of seasonal work and I remember reading that once you have panic attacks, when you pick up the pieces and try to put them together again, they are never quite like they were before and I am finding that very much to be true.  I really did keep a lot bottled up for many years and finally it just escaped the basement I guess.  And made itself known.  So much I put up with for no sane reason whatsoever.  I really am best off alone, I really am as I just don't have to offer what is sought in any kind of relationship.  

More later, Rob

At Burton Barr Library Yet Again.....

At Burton Barr Library Yet Again.....Some good news for once.  I have been making some kind of effort to make some money and have been having varying degrees of success.  With Indeed.com and applying for jobs I have to date gotten absolutely nowhere, and I am not surprised.  My gut feeling/instinct is that I will not be working for someone else again in this lifetime, nor in this country.  It's just not going to work the way seeking employment in this society is set up these days.  But I have had some luck, believe it or not - for the first time in 1.5 years, I recently did a mystery shop for Intellishop of that kitchen cabinets place on 9th Avenue and Camelback for $40, nicely bonused and it was actually quite easy and I am grateful for that!  Things went well and it was not pushy nor aggressive and I don't believe that they knew I was a shopper, either.  That was cool!  The flip of this is that I applied for a few shops with Kern scheduling and my apps were tossed into the digital garbage can.  Obviously after that Grand Canyon University Incident they want nothing to do with me and that's fine I guess - my life lesson here is the more complicated a shop gets, the less likely it is that I should even bother to apply when you get right down to it.  But at least I am still good with Intellishop - there don't seem to be all that many shops these days anyhow.  Anywhere.  And they overall don't seem to be paying all that well.  I am glad I snagged this $40 shop when I did!!! At least it's something and it's enough to get me one way to Nogales, if nothing else.  

 On top of that one day last week I did a medical research study for 3 hours at 24th Avenue and Peoria for $125 that was easy and pleasant and was mostly waiting around to be called to the next station.  I wish more of life could be like this shop - it truly was easy, easy, easy!  So a check for $125 should be coming in like two to three weeks!  Cool, I can sure use that money even if all I do with it is bank it away.  

At the end of the month I have a depression study I'm not sure I can get on as they ask an awful lot of questions and seem to be very thorough yet very anal retentive.  I don't believe this study is going to work for me but why not at least give it a try, no?  All they can do is to reject me to which these days I just say "NEXT".  Employers and those with projects of some sort these days do not seem to be very trusting of applicants, got news for you - applicants are not very trusting of those with employment or projects, either.  And it's such a nightmare these days applying for work - it's so different from how it once was years ago before the Internet came to be and before everything could be quickly verified and before everyone was so paranoid like they are today.  I sure miss that time in life!  I can remember moving to Portland and no background check and no work check like today - it was so easy and so freeing and I really did not know how good I had it this way as I did not know what was right around the corner and did not encounter such until I tried moving to Bellingham, Washington in 1996, and I gotta say in retrospect I am glad that that did not work out.  I was too old to live in Bellingham, anyway - that was a place or rich retired folks or the young.  I can even remember walking around the University in town and realizing that that part of my life was over and done with, and at today's costs, there is no way I would go back.  Nope.  Not happening.  

Well at any rate I have at least gotten started and I have gotten some results and that was cool.  I have to keep at it - from time to time there will be something that I can do for money that I qualify for.  I just have to keep trying and be patient, I guess.  

More news is that apparently Peter and Astrid are coming next year again.  Ick.  They are not bad people per se, I will give them that, but they are the kinds of people of whom my Mother is desperate for approval from, and they are the type of people who would not at all understand me nor anything I have been through.  Even my perusing art in Madrid and what I have done with the front yard meets with their disapproval - GRRRRRR!!!!! More Austrian insanity from which there is no way to win.  I am so glad that they will not be staying very long Thank God.  

But to counter this, there is some good news.  Something positive, anyway.  A week from tomorrow, Tuesday, the 19th, I am taking off for Nogales, Arizona for three days.  That will be nice to get away and with any luck the monsoon will be active while I am there.  I will meet Vanessa yet again and also have lunch at the Fray Marcos, have my teeth cleaned, buy some cosmetics and meds, and on the Arizona side, I will hang out at the Nogales AZ Goodwill.  It will be nice to get away from Mom and how she thinks and her insane priorities.  Honestly I don't know how I dealt with them for so many years and stayed (somewhat) sane.  She did the right thing by taking me out of New Hampshire but ay carumba, did she EVER screw up in New Hampshire and out here.  

It's nice here at the library, I wish I could just stay here.  I am getting tired already and don't feel like going to group today but I will go regardless - but I am not going next week.  I am going to have a set of day where I don't have to engage much with the outside world.  With everything in disarray, this is what I need to have any hope of dealing with things.  And I am so glad that after all these years I understand that I was set up to fail in society and that I was not given much at all of what it is that I needed to function in society.  No wonder why I am here in the situation in which I find myself!  And I used to be so so so ashamed and embarrassed by my two arrests and two misdemeanors.  Not any more!  I understand now that they were merely the symptoms of a much much much bigger problem.  And I am not angry with society these days for kicking me to the curb as I once was - sometimes I have to wonder if society did indeed do me a favor by indeed kicking me to the curb?  Society sure is an insane, fucked up mess and not being part of it much seems to be much more preferable to being part of it.  

Anyhow, I am going to get going over to Family Services Agency now, more later, Rob

Can't Even Get An Apology.....

Can't Even Get An Apology.....It's so frustrating and anger inspiring, rage inspiring even, to deal with Mom sometimes.  She has such rigid standards and these ideas of how life should be and if you don't measure up you are scum or worse and this is just so fucked up, given that she - back in New Hampshire, always treated me like I was this horrible person for having behavioral problems in school - totally understandable as look at my home environment.  But Mom expected me to be this sweet innocent child with perfect behavior that made everything look like there were no problems at home.  All these years later when the consequences of this have become crystal clear, good luck at getting an apology.  It's much easier for her to play victim and report card me and take no responsibility for anything in the past.  I am so glad that I have no interest in women and no interest in reproducing - either or both of the two and I likely would have had a death of despair like Tim did.  I can see now - I can understand - why Tim's Mom's death pushed him over the edge - I am thinking now that we truly truly truly did have an awful lot in common - and that whatever unresolved issues he had with his Mom was enough to push him over the edge.  And we're both - or I am and he was - black sheep.  

I so wish he were still here but at least I did get to know him and back in the day that was such a good thing, it really was.  Now he's dead and August 3rd will be one year that he's been gone, and the end of September will be one year since I went down to Tucson for his Celebration of Life.  And I digress.  I am never going to get what I need from Mom, I wish there was a way I could just accept this.  And today I heard some really depressing news - Astrid and Peter are coming next year - Ick.  I really wish they were not, truth be told.  They are not as bad as Rosi, true, but they have that smug, superior air about them when they deal with me as if they are dealing with an inferior they are patiently trying to help.  Where were they when I needed somebody and Mom had washed her hands of my problems and I was clearly all alone?  Crickets, yet they can judge me now.  This really makes me not want to deal with people or society.  There is not much in either for me, it seems, and given my two misdemeanors and how that makes me look in this society of no second chances  - there's not much in this society for me, anyway.  

Ironically enough the last time I felt any warmth or truly human was at the set aside clinic here at the Burton Barr Public Library a couple of weeks ago - I was treated warmly and respectfully by the young lady who helped me and it had been so long since I had been treated that way I did appreciate this.  Unfortunately, the feeling did not last but I can't say that I never did feel it, that's true, too.  Oy vey.  Peter and Astrid will not understand me any more than I will understand them and everything has to be so fucking polite and Austrian with things left unsaid and anger swallowed.  I honestly wish I had never set foot in Austria, though to be honest, when I was 20, how could I have known how Austria really was?  It's like that Pedro Almodovar movie I love so much - What Have I Done To Deserve This? - on the back in the summary it says how this movie takes you to a different Spain than the tourist guidebooks do - same thing with that BBQ years ago in Vienna that took me to the real Austria due to the anti-Semitism.  This is the real Austria coupled with the insane expectations - something I can completely do without.  Young men who go mgtow are lucky - they will be avoiding all this insane FEMALE ick.  It really is childish and selfish and abusive - and unbearable overall.  It really is.  

And Rosi with her comment about why she though I was going to Thailand - coupled with Kimberly and how she was obviously afraid of me for no reason whatsoever - I didn't and don't need that.  There is an upside, though.  Lesson here is to avoid women period going forward - they bring pain and judgement to my life and far too much of both.  And it's interesting that that woman who FB chatted with me a few days ago - are you married as question 2 and question 3 was what do I do for a living (code for what is your income).  I didn't need that, either, and this is what women have to dole out.  I don't like how Astrid dropped her first husband and monkey branched to Peter who made more money and came from money, and I don't like how Rosi apparently at their wedding was going on about how Astrid's shoes cost 700 Euros.  Just all so very very very toxic.  I'd say in Vienna the only one person who I feel any warmth to whatsoever would be Peter Rubas, and you see how he just kept to himself for the most part.  I really do appreciate how he stood up for me to my Mother on that riverboat up the Danube back to Vienna.  That was cool, and I am glad some one somewhere actually stood up for me - I am so sick of being considered the problem and being treated like shit.  

Something interesting lately is that I read about a man who is schizoid who had a decent upbringing but was depressed for one year and that apparently was enough to make him schizoid - how about me with four years throughout high school - depressed and all alone - no wonder why I am schizoid.  And something else - the anhedonia that I deal with, including sexual/orgasmic anhedonia - I really am broken/damaged goods.  And I don't know that there is any cure for this - it's just like here, these are the cards you have drawn, now deal.  I sure overall have gotten a shitty hand for someone living in a quote developed country unquote.  

There has been very very very little fun or pleasure in my life.  At this late date all I really want is to be left alone - I realize a relationship is beyond me and I don't have to offer what is sought.  And I'm too damn old, too.  Thank God.  Honestly, I am not sure I would even want to be in a relationship anyway at this point.  I don't want to deal with someone else's friends and family and their judgments - I really am better off with peace and quiet and solitude.  

Something I am grateful for, though - I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed by my criminal record - two arrests and two misdemeanors - now I am not proud of it per se, but I am also no longer ashamed by it - I understand that this was but a symptom of a much larger problem.  And a problem that society could not care less about.  Thank God I have been cast aside by society, this is all I can say today.  

More later, Rob

I came back.  I guess I need to work on forgiving and letting things go.  There will be no epiphany or great moment of understanding nor an apology and I have to make peace with this and the life I have drawn.  I can see now more and more why Tim bailed on life via drugs.  I can get it - it seems so bleak and life seems to have so very very very little to actually offer.  I don't know if he had a record or not but he did have the kidney issues and who knows how much longer he had left due to his kidneys and the need for dialysis.  Maybe he figured from here on out it was just going to get shittier and shittier and he threw in the towel - I can totally understand this now.  I just hope, Tim, if you can see this or somehow know that I am thinking of you - I miss you and I am beginning to understand.  I don't know that I am equal to your decision - but I do miss you and I do understand more and more.  

It's hard for me sometimes to believe that you are no longer here - I so remember taking a chance and knocking on your door at the Downtowner January 1989.  You are the first friend I ever had, Tim, and perhaps the last real one I will ever have.  At least I was happy when we were roommates.  It is true that you are dead, AA turned out to be a cult, I studied exactly the wrong thing in college, and due to background checks, college really doesn't mean anything for me, anyway. 

 And I don't even hear from NAU these days, anyway, as I chose to opt out due to Title 9 and how young men accused of horrible things were being denied due process on campus - and I remember that horrible woman I spoke to about it who said she could not talk to me any more - just could not handle any male reality on the topic, I guess.  Another reason to live female free.  Though I will also say that gay men are not anything to write home about on average, either.  I am glad that I am now invisible and that I am over the hill and that no one would ever want me these days in this  extremely unforgiving era.  At least I have that much going for me.  

I really like being in this library.  It is nice and cool and quiet and as long as you don't sleep or smell or make a disturbance or some combo of the above, you can be left alone here. Being left alone works for me, it really does.  I guess it goes back to my being schizoid, but boy howdy does being left alone EVER work for me.  As I've stated many times before, I believe this dates back to my high school days. The only truly safe time of my days Monday through Friday was the three hour period from when I arrived home to when Mom would come home from work after 6 PM or so.  I was alone and safe those few hours and I believe that is where I learned to love solitude so much - though at the time I did feel very lonely - now I wonder was that loneliness real?  What I mean is was it social conditioning?  Certainly high school for me was a complete and total waste of time and I would have been better off doing the whole thing online - PITY that such was not available then.  Socially I learned no skills whatsoever and academically I also was unchallenged - other than for math - and was just a train wreck keeping to myself.  

More later, Rob

At Panera At Central/Thomas.....

At Panera At Central/Thomas.....something has happened, something interesting.  I did a mystery shop today for $40 - that mystery shop of Cabinets To Go at 9th Avenue and Camelback.  That was actually the last mystery shop I did in the past - I believe it was over 1.5 years ago in November 2020, which seems like an eternity ago now as so so so much has happened since then.  At any rate, I think last time I did it for $30 which was not bad money for this shop even at that rate - yesterday I managed to grab it for $40 which is quite a good deal.  It is totally no money out of my own pocket and nothing sticky like having to print some kind of damn letter, like at the Grand Canyon University shop a few years back.

And I found something else out - I am persona non grata at Kern Scheduling - I know as I applied for several shops through them and my applications were all deleted and not responded to in any way, shape, or form.  Whatever.  I honestly don't like mystery shopping that much anyway - I did at first but now that I understand it better, I am no real fan of the concept.  But at least this particular shop was easy and it offers decent pay.  So that's good.  And at least it's money I made on my own through my own labors.  So at least it can't be said that I have not earned any money at all this year.  

I have been applying for jobs through Indeed and my take is that it's not the best way to find work, I can see this already.  And some of the employers I applied to through Indeed want me to send them a resume electronically and I am not set up to do this at the moment, which really chaps my hide but that's just how things are.  And the one response I did get was from a temp agency similar to Party Staff - they were a bit pushy with me trying to get me to accept something at Phoenix Children's Hospital - somewhere I likely could not work even as a temp due to background checks and I am sure the background checks would be intense due to the fact that's it's not only a hospital but a children's hospital.  So that was that was that.  Perhaps when the season picks up in October they will have more work, maybe even banquet work.  We can see is all I can say.  At least they sent me an email that they received my application and at least my employment gap is not a huge issue for them it would seem.  Maybe they are used to people with employment gaps as no one else really wants them these days, and why is this the case?  I really don't fit into this society and it's work work work consume die theme.  Just does not work for me - though I will say that I am indeed grateful that I never married nor reproduced.  

It honestly at times seems as if I have been given a gift via being marginalized so early in the game - look at others who were not who were later screwed over even though they played by the rules.  Seriously, perhaps being a black sheep is a gift when you understand human nature and the world better.  At any rate, these are the cards I have drawn, for better or worse.  At least I was able to get this shop done Thank God!  

This shop may be the only I do all year for all I know. I have burned my bridges with so many other MS companies - but they are all unstable these days anyway and the business is not what it once was when I was doing shops before, like in 2013 and 2014.  And shops mostly don't pay any better than they did then but everything is getting more and more expensive so it's not especially lucrative these days.  Whatever.  At least I did ONE.  And something else - the shops I applied for with HS Brands?  They were completely wiped clean, too, and apparently I'm persona non grata there, too.  Whatever.  They really did not have any interesting shops, either.  And I found something else interesting out.  Apparently ACL has very few shops these days and no auto dealerships.  I will not miss them and have not missed them, but I still remember that one hotel shop I did back in 2013 in that scuzzy Westside McDowell Road neighborhood.  That was cool as it kept me busy and occupied and I was able to set the AC very very very low and I sure did appreciate that!  Like anything else, I am guessing that the business has changed.  And if Intelli-shop is the only company I can shop for, that's fine.  I have no desire at that MS companies are paying to bus all over time for so so so little money.  So today is a stroke of luck I guess - but I can't do this particular shop for another 365 days - and something else?  No one at all seemed clued into the fact that I was a mystery shopper - not even when I asked to use the bathroom.  Funky.  And I'm glad I called and made sure that Lisa was no longer there - that was smart indeed.  I am not surprised - there's been a lot, and I mean a lot of employee reshuffling the past couple of years.  

More later, Rob