If It's Tuesday, It Must Be The Cholla Branch Library.....

If It's Tuesday, It Must Be The Cholla Branch Library.....this has become a new "thing" with me - checking into the Cholla Branch of the Phoenix Public Library which is sane walking distance from the Family Service Agency I visit now that the convenient one on Central Avenue is no more - and I still believe the rent went too high and they just up and left the Central Avenue Offices.  Whatever.  At least there is a free place I can come to to get Internet access and catch up on things before I go to FSA.  I don't believe this has been an overall waste of time but I do believe that Nita just pushes 12 Step on and on and on - Remember last year when she told me she "must demand that I attend AA and get a sponsor" - I am very very very glad I stood up to that.  I believe it's a cult and I believe the science that AA has an effectiveness rate of less than 5 percent and I have no desire after losing Tim last August 3rd to get mixed up in the 12 Step Circus with all the monkeys - it's no longer my circus and no longer am I a monkey.  I just remember Jim and Lee and how they were so one-dimensional in their lives and this scares me.....at any rate, I am not going to go to 12 Step Meetings and that is that is that is that.  

As for how things are going now, Fermin has been gone for two weeks as of 8:30 AM this morning and the house seems so much more quiet now.  Fermin was very likable and was a decent guy and I miss his good spirit and the life he brought to the property.  I wish he had not passed - I wish he had just gotten his damned shots and he'd still be alive today.  And I feel really bad for his four year old daughter in Mexico who will never know her Dad now.  But.....making lemonade out of lemons, Yesenia is hardly here these days and I think she will be moving out as she has female friends to stay with where she is welcome and she has been gone for days in a row - obviously she is staying somewhere else.  I am thinking that she is just waiting for the free period to be over on February 4th - and if she moves out things will become easier for me in the sense that I can FINALLY move the living room into that unit and give Mom her damned living room back.  That will be nice not to have to hear about her living room.  It's very annoying as my life is totally screwed and she's worried about her living room?  Thank God I am gay is all I can say as I this kind of thinking really sets me on edge and alienates me.  And how.

Right now before we find out what Yesenia's plans are, I can be making the yard and the outside of the house better plus I can be seeking low hanging fruit through the house for recycling.  If Yesenia does indeed leave, I will be able to sort through my stuff alone and in peace without a woman directly near me.  That will indeed make things easier.  So that much is good - I could finally get Mom off my ass and also just get rid of all my excess which is indeed a good thing!  Yes indeed!  

Things are just so weird now and I doubt that when this virus is endemic instead of being a pandemic, what "normal" unfolds is not going to be quite the same.  I believe that everything that can possibly go online will go online and that there will be fewer human connections possible.  Case in point - the CEO of Hilton is saying that service cuts will remain permanent and that the hotel industry in the future wiill be a higher margin business and part of this will be achieved via cuts to housekeeping (no more daily housekeeping!) and food and beverage and even in some hotels doing away with the front desk entirely via check in kiosks and digital room keys downloaded to your smartphone.  What this tells me - fewer employees.  And that that wonderful time in the late 1990's when every hotel and resort was screaming for help - this was but a point in time that no longer exists.  

And I believe too that changes are coming to the restaurant biz - already tech exists to replace a server or to reduce the need for quite as many servers.  At $9.80 an hour plus tips, servers will be replaced.  As much as cashiers are beginning to in grocery stores everywhere - cases in point - Safeway and Sprouts.  Both have expanded their self checkout recently big time.  So who knows if I can even hope to ever wait tables again when you get right down to it!  Do I miss it?  Not hardly.

It is however amazing for me to think that this April it will be 25 YEARS(!!!!!) since my first season waiting tables in Tusayan.  It will be 24 years since I arrived in Tusayan for my employment at the Squire.  It will be 22 years since arriving at Bullfrog in Utah for my two months working in that hot mess.  May 8th will be 9 years (!!!!!) since my interesting episode of panic attacks that forced me to bail Flaming Gorge Resort.  I still remember that housekeeper who entered while I was nude and how I ended out getting a free night out of it, which was money I used in Salt Lake City as I spent a day there and found it to be an entirely nice place - I really did like it.  Especially that funky public library with the incredible view of the Wasatch Mountain Range.  

I can still remember how insane that situation was - I was almost tasered and arrested by law enforcement for refusing to go to a hospital in Wyoming - I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was almost tasered and arrested.  That was fucking insane and I'm glad the very next day I left Flaming Gorge as after that had I stayed I would have really started to cop (no attempt at humor here) an attitude.  I am so so so glad that I got out of that place when I did as I don't believe things would have went well and the short period of time I was there Mr. Collette lied to me in regards to having a private room - what more would he have lied about had it worked out so that I could stay?  I remember coming down with another panic attack the following day and it was made clear then that I had to leave - as the owner's wife put it, it could not happen again.  Fair enough - I am glad that I got out of that place.  Hard to believe that May 19th I believe nine years will have passed since that ordeal.  Though there is one bright side to all of this - I had a long wait for a Greyhound ride from Vernal to Salt Lake City and during this wait, I was able to visit the dinosaur museum in Vernal and I must say that that much was indeed cool.  I am glad that I had the chance to see this much.  

And some good news perhaps just landed in my life!  It turns out that all I have left of this Pfizer Study is a phone call in June and an office visit in December!  Meaning they won't see me for months and that gives me a chance to donate plasma and make some dollars doing that as plasma donation is paying more due to less supply due to covid.  I have a chance to build up another Money Market account, this time at SunWest.  That is something I for sure would like to pursue - it means easy money though it is time consuming.  And I would not have to deal with the Pfizer people in person again until December - I could buy a comfrey salve to heal the injection site, you know?  And I just looked up comfrey salves and they can indeed be bought online and are not even all that expensive!  Cool!  So there is some hope right there, literally out of nowhere!  

I find it amazing what a strange decade this has been thus far.  At the very beginning of 2020 there was a second attempted impeachment of Donald Trump.  Right after that we were almost at war with Iran and right after that, Coronavirus started making inroads.  I can still remember my second to last trip to Algodones in March of 2020 and how right after we returned - BOOM -the public library was closed as was the Art Museum and right after that we were on lockdown in Arizona for a short while and then our lives turned upside down in a very short period of time.  Who knows what travel is going to look like going forward, and who knows how expensive travel will be going forward as there is to be much less business travel in the future as businesses have learned they can conduct much business online, thereby saving travel costs and not needed as much office space with so many white collar office types being able to work remotely from home.  It really is a different world now.  And who knows if and when this virus mutates into something that does not respond to the vaccines available?  

Something that has amazed me is that the US Government actually GAVE me via auto debit in my checking account a grand total of USD $3200.  No taxes or strings on this money, either.  I chose to save every penny of this money and started a Money Market Account at Navy Federal Credit Union with this money.  It's so odd that I actually have this amount of money and even under my name.....I want to save it as who knows how things will be going forward, you know?  So odd to have been given this money due to the virus messing up the economy - since it's such a blessing and seemingly so unlikely just mere months before - I feel duty bound to save every penny for once.  That is one of the few upsides of this virus.  That and for a lot of other people, much more flexibility in where and when they work - but this has the nasty side effect of making real estate outside of main cities more expensive.  

And now the US and the rest of the world in general seems to be experiencing inflation in a scary kind of way.  Everything just is so expensive now that I live for my get aways to Nogales and the wonderfully cheap Goodwill where everything is dirt cheap and sold by the pound.  

Funny.....I was just looking at Coolworks - and thinking of how this site is no longer relevant to me.  I am unable to break free as Mom really needs someone around these days and background checks in the biz these days and the virus on top of everything else plus if I leave the state I lose Medicaid and I really don't want that to happen for a crappy seasonal job.  I still can't believe I dealt with what I did at Denny's in Tusayan and at the Squire the following year.....I can't deal with the insanity of seasonal these days, I just can't.  My Coolworks days seem to be over for good I'm afraid but I did get to do a bit of travel and I did for sure have some funky experiences.  

So tonight I have group at five and then I go home and tomorrow I get to really work at the house as it does seem there is hope that Yesenia will move out and I can use that back studio to move the contents of the living room to for sorting and getting things out of my life.  How nice it would be to have all this damned work done and off my ass!  I can also be doing surveys on Drop and on the Coin App though I just noticed something that gives me pause - on Premise, the surveys are now only paying 20 cents instead of 25 cents.  What this tells me is that perhaps Premise is not all that stable after all.....perhaps at $50 I should just cash out to be safe?  Let's look over their cash out policies and find where I stand with that.  I'd just hate to lose that money if they fold up and go out of business as so many of these apps do - remember Media Insiders?  I really loved how brainless and lucrative that app was!  Remember Great Bridge?  That was another nice app that unfortunately did not last very long.  Remember Perk Street?  I am glad that I cashed out when I did as when they closed up shop, they did NOT pay out the earned monies (1 percent cash back).  I am so glad I took them up on their $20 Macy's giftcard which I used to buy a chili pot, which I believe is somewhere in the wilds of the office where my desk is buried.  

Anyway, this is an update of the life and times of Rob Andover.  

More later, Rob

Some Good, Some Bad.....(Morocco7#)

Some Good, Some Bad.....Something that worked well for me recently was my trip back to Phoenix from two days in Nogales.  I had reserved a cab with that young lady at Del Sol Taxi who drove me from Goodwill back to the Siesta.  That morning at 9:45 AM a cab did appear but with some guy I'd never seen before driving, but it was my taxi alright.  So this new driver drove me down to the shuttle zone and I managed to hook up with Arison Shuttles, which has a nice, new, independent office of it's own with a nice heavy wood counter specially built for the new office.  The young guy there - who remembered me from last year when I took Arison Shuttles home - charged me $35 and CHARGED ME NOTHING EXTRA FOR MY FIVE BAGS!!!

So that hurdle was crossed. Next up was dealing with the inland US CBP checkpoint - I had forgotten my ID at home but miracle of miracles, and proof to me that God is indeed looking out for me - I had my ID on my free government phone that I actually had with me.  And the only reason my ID was on this phone was because I figured out how to access the AZ DHS medical marijuana portal - one of the downloads was my Arizona ID card - lucky me.  Another download was my medical marijuana card, and I wisely did not use this as marijuana is still illegal with the Federal Government - I could have really gotten hassled had I used the medical mmj card image.  Wise choice on my part to use the image of the AZ ID Card.  The border goon asked me why I didn't have ID and I calmly stated that unfortunately I had left it at home, which was indeed true.  He asked me if I was a US citizen and where I was born, and when I mentioned Massachusetts he was like, "So you're out here now?", as if it was bizarrre that someone had moved to one of the fastest growing states in the nation.  But he did hand my phone back and let me go on my way with no further questioning - PHEW - another hurdle crossed.  

Next hurdle was whether or not we would be picking up passengers in Tucson as the back where I was sitting was the only open space on the shuttle and I had the small green duffel bag, the small Sterlite container, and the large black duffel bag next to me and things would have rapidly gotten difficult had more passengers arrived.  My lucky day - NOONE BOARDED THE SHUTTLE IN TUCSON.  That was God watching out for me, I'm sure of this, as so often passengers are picked up in South Tucson for the trip back up to Phoenix.  

Last hurdle was getting home - I was the second drop off after four passengers on the shuttle were dropped at the airport.  After we stopped at my property the driver began agitating for more money due to all the excess baggage but I played it cool, handed him a $5 tip, and did not get ruffled.  I know this was an attempt to line his pockets as the driver did give me an Arison Shuttle card to keep - had he never wanted me to be a passenger again, he would not have handed me the card.  So that's that and I arrived home after some incredible good fortune.  

As I walked toward the house I met Fermin's 18 year old daughter Melissa who was there to see what stuff of her dad's there was to claim.  So I get off the shuttle into BOOM - Fermin Death Drama.  It went OK though it was a bit tense when Melissa came on Sunday to pick up her Dad's things - I called her to let her know that Yesenia was on the property and she came with her Mom and some guy (I never did find out who he was) and picked up Fermin's things as Yesenia and a friend of hers sat outside with the door open.  Thank God there was no scene or ugliness is all I can say.  Melissa and crew took Fermin's stuff in Hefty bags but left his tools behind.

OK then, so yesterday, Monday is the funeral.  I had texted Melissa for a ride and never heard anything back - turns out I could have gotten a ride from Jose but I didn't know that, no one told me.  Am I supposed to read minds?  Anyway, later in the day Melissa called me to say she was coming over for the tools.  A little bit later, Baldo pulls up with Melissa and some young guy, once again I don't know who he was though he was polite to me.  Baldo took some tools and the ladders and some duct stuff that Fermin had covered with a blue tarp in the back.  He also took the naked lady, something for which I am glad.  He did leave a tool carrying thing which I found out by the street this morning and glommed onto.  So that is that is that with Fermin's things it seems.  

BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS.  Melissa told me I could keep the mattress and it's base - THANK YOU!  It is a high quality mattress and only around a year or so old and it's in good shape.  I don't know what Yesenia's plans are now but if she is going, the bed remains and I am glad for that.  If she stays, she can sleep on the bed.  My gut instinct - though I have certainly been wrong with gut instincts before - is that she will not want to stay alone in the back and will move in with friends if possible.  I'm not even sure she is working now.  But I won't ask her until February 4th and I will ask with my Mother to tone things down.  If she does leave, this makes my life easier in the sense that I can use the "apartment" to sift through possessions and to clear the living room so I don't ever hear about it again.  And I can do it separate from my Mother and at my own pace and in peace.  What more could I ask for?  We'll see how this goes.

Nogales was OK.  I am glad that I went and I am also glad that I did not go to Mexico - which would have been absolute insanity with no ID at all.  I didn't drink anything this time around and I ran across no consequences from last time down.  I did find some good things at the Goodwill - but only two pairs of shoes and not very good ones.  I did find a boatload of bedding and if Yesenia does go - I can get lots of queen size bedding from this Goodwill in Nogales.  So.....I won't have any answer by my design until February 4th, unless she should move out sooner, which is possible, who knows?  

Now that all the above has been input - I must say that I liked Fermin and will continue to miss him.  He was a decent person and for some reason, we clicked.  I think it's because of my acceptance of his legal status - something I find depressing is that he was buried in the United States and not in Mexico.  But I respected him and he accepted and respected me.  By far he was the best tenant that we ever had from a long line of annoying creatures.  I will not find a tenant that cool again easily.  And he was a good guy and I liked how he fixed little things for my Mother and did not make a big deal of it.  

Beyond the question of Yesenia's plans - once again we don't know what they will be - Something else I want to do is to monetize my life as best I can until June 30th - at this date I will cash out.  That gives me 5.5 months to make money as best I can.  And hey, good news, I figured out how to get paid on the Getupside app for my trips to Cardenas Ranch Markets - today $10 was already available from yesterday's shopping.  Now I can go every week this offer exists - and I do understand that this offer can be withdrawn at the drop of a hat - but at least as of this moment in time I have $22 and some change on the Getupside app.  This is GOOD as it has not been a major nightmare to get this money and it has not taken months of surveys, either.

And something else new I find a bit hopeful is that I am making points to be converted into crypto on three different apps - I'm loving this as there is a huge potential upside and if this goes South on me, all I lose is time as I am not spending any money I wouldn't otherwise spend.  I'd much rather do this than go secret shopping which pays nowhere near enough for the time and effort involved - especially with minimum wage in this state now $12.80/hr.  Mystery shopping does not even crack Arizona's minimum wage PLUS I have to deal with people more than I have to with crypto.  I'm really not a fan of dealing with mostly women which is what I encountered for the most part with mystery shopping.  It's better for me not to have to deal with office women - remember how rude one was to me as I did not complete my shop as I ate at a restaurant that did not have their servers wearing name tags - no way am I going to ask a woman I've never met nor spoken to before for their name.  And that C-word I emailed told me I was being inappropriate and banned me.  I really don't care for that as what I emailed her about not being able to ask a female stranger server for their name - there is all kinds of risk on my part and I refuse to accept this.  I could very well run into such again if I did more mystery shopping.  And it's been over a year since I did a mystery shop, anyway.....the last one was at that cabinets store near 7th Avenue and Camelback, right by Charlie's, a place I can say that I have not set foot in for 17 years sometime this Spring.  And no, I don't miss it one bit.  

More later, Rob

Nogales.....

Here I sit in a bed in my motel room at the Siesta Motel in Nogales, AZ.  This trip has been somewhat relaxing in that I did not cross into Mexico nor did I have a long list of things to do.  I also only rode the City Bus once - managed to get to the bus stop near the border and managed to get my things onto the bus and avoid a cab fare in doing so.  The weather has been nice and I even managed to get some cash back at the Church's chicken down the street from the Siesta.  The one thing that I DID do here?  I went to the Goodwill.  It was a bit picked over, truth be told.....I did not find much in the way of clothes this time but I DID find some bedding and some blankets that I can use.  And it was so nice to get out of Phoenix - big city life is so annoying.  And I guess I'm OK at both the hotel and in Nogales as the only issue I really had was with a woman at Goodwill who I found to be an utter C word.  

Life lesson from the utter C word - I should have just moved away and not responded at all.  When she compared the people lining up for new bins of goods to flies on shit (her very words) instead of responding the way I did I should have just moved away.  So now I have someone here who dislikes me.  Whatever.  The staff at the Goodwill and the manager there seem to like me and I'm glad for that much.  At least nothing came to bite me in the ass from the last time I was here and that one unfortunate evening.  This time around I didn't drink one iota - Thank God.  And I did not have to deal with US CBP as I did not cross the border.  Thank God. Honestly, there would not have been anything new or different there for me anyway.  

So now I'm packed up and I managed to condense things down to five pieces of baggage, so hopefully I will not be clobbered with add on fees by that schmuck who so often drives me.  I have a cab reserved from that young woman who hooked me up with a $40 shuttle to the Valley a few trips back when I had the luck of avoiding the schmuck.  We'll see if I have such luck again today.  One thing I will say - as I understand now that my life is NEVER going to be "normal" - a word I don't believe in in this context - I can truly see myself living somewhere like Nogales.  Something that I also understand - I would rather be here than the Hotel Mercurio in Puerto Vallarta - I would not fit in in that gayborhood crowd.  I don't know the rules in that setting and I am far too much my own person for such a crowd.  I remember reading somewhere than someone unique like myself - meaning a tad eccentric and non conforming to some degree - is going to have a difficult time in gay culture.  And I believe it's true.  Remember Juan Carlos from years ago who did not understand the places I wanted to visit and he even asked me Why These Places?  Remember the gay crowd at CPK and how I didn't fit in with them one iota?  That's not my tribe - those who live in the bars and the scene.....totally not my scene.   Even John Masciola - remember how he said I'd have to get used to the bars?  Ick, nothing at the bars but problems and BS.  Remember the one guy and what a flake he was - during my time at Chevy's?  There is nothing in that life for me.....just like there is nothing in Massachusetts for me.  

I've always been alone for the most part anyway and I am most comfortable alone.  Given how traumatic my life has been - why wouldn't I be most comfortable alone?  At least I can do basic social skills 101 - such as surface, superficial conversation with service workers.  

More later, Rob

Sorry I Am About Fermin.....

Sorry I Am About Fermin.....right around Christmas he and Yesenia came down with Covid and Yesenia was sick for awhile but did recover. Then out of nowhere Fermin took a turn for the much worse and went to St Joes - apparently he was coughing up blood before he arrived at the hospital.  There he was put on a ventilator - which means this was serious - and then he was bumped to a regular hospital room and was communicating for a day or two - then he turned worse.  I heard nothing about him for a few days and then I spoke to Lara, Yesenia's friend, who told me Fermin was not doing well at all.  Then things progressed to where he was put on life support and yesterday the family was going to yank the plug but then changed their mind and decided to send him to dialysis - apparently his kidneys are no longer functioning.  Covid really screwed him over - not only is there significant lung damage but his kidneys have shut down, too and it really does seem hopeless at this point.  Ay carumba, I genuinely like(d) Fermin - and soon he is to be no more.  I will miss him and his rent money and his willingness to do work around the house cheap.  He (was) a very happy go lucky guy and from what Juan's son next door told me, he didn't believe in vaccines.  And now he's essentially dead without life support.  God how awful.  I will miss him for selfish reasons and because he's just a decent guy.  

Making lemonade out of lemons, there is an upside, though I'd rather that Fermin lived instead.  If Yesenia moves out, which I believe is likely, I can grab the guesthouse to empty the contents of M's damned living room into and get her off my ass.  Plus I can process things on my time and not hers, and we would not drive each other as nutty while I was doing so.  So there is an upside but I'd rather that Fermin had never contracted this damned virus to begin with.  With Fermin gone, all those cans will be gone as will the guys he work(ed) with - and remember that brother of Fermin's who at the lake told me I had another family now?  That's gone, too, but I don't think they really cared for me, anyhow.  And his young cousin really did not like me - I won't have to worry about ever seeing him again, I guess this is a small upside to this horrible situation.  

I will always be grateful to Fermin for taking me to the lake last July 3rd.  All my years in Arizona and I had never been there.  I even was able to see the damned river that young people go tubing on our way to the lake.  Without Fermin, I likely would never have seen the lake.  And due to Fermin, I was even able to cling onto him and jet ski across the lake and that was very very very cool, it sure was.  But now his family has no reason to be in touch with me or Mom, and they will slip away now, for better or worse.  At least I had the chance to get out of town and see something new and that much is indeed very cool.  

And there will be no more picking up clothes or giving clothes away to Vanessa at the Hotel Fray Marcos lounge in Nogales, Mexico.  That I will (kind of) miss.  

I do have some good news, however.  It seems as if I am up to $25 and beyond on what seems to be the at the moment at least very generous Drop App.  All this week I get double credit on surveys and this indeed is racking up the points for me - very grateful.  Right now I could even cash out for $25 though I am not going to - I will take cryptocurrency instead so that I learn something about it.  And I am on the Coin App and have close to 20K points there - just need 10K for my first cash out in crypto.  Crypto is not the safest bet out there but then again, what exactly IS safe these days?  And I believe I am going to get the $200 worth of crypto on the Social Good app.  So out of nowhere I am acquiring crypto and this is something new to keep me on my toes.  Just hope when I get home tonight that I don't hear that Fermin is dead.  This is probably likely and I don't understand why they are putting him in dialysis - I guess because it's a shock and they don't want him dead.  

Thursday - two days from now - I will be going to Nogales, just for one day.  I will take the early morning shuttle there and will hit the Goodwill up for whatever deals I can run across and then will spend the evening at the Siesta Motel - but just for one night only.  Then on Friday back to the Valley - it will be good to get out of town for sure.  And I could use some more light  clothes - nothing heavy really needed due to global warming - and shoes and maybe some kind of housewares.  Things are going to change now with Fermin gone I'm afraid.  And not for the better except the potential ease of processing all my stuff.  

Moving along, I have a feeling my days of long haul international travel are a thing of the past.  I think I will apply for a passport card that will let me enter Mexico and that is mobile and small and easy to carry in a wallet for neck safe or such.  This damned virus - it really has turned the world upside down and I am starting to finally grasp that easy travels - that was a point in time that is no more.  And now with this omicron virus and who knows how many upcoming mutations there will be? - things will never quite be what they once were, but in my case perhaps that's not such a bad thing as how things were did not work very well for me, anyway.  It's amazing that I am here at the library and it truly seems like a morgue - the Cholla Branch of the Phoenix Public Library very close to the now closed and done MetroCenter.  I wonder if it's the area or the virus or probably both?  

Right now what I can be doing is getting ready for this trip to Nogales for one day.  Dreamer me, I had dreams of perhaps one day living in Nogales, on the US side to be clear, with Fermin and Yesenia as friends.  You just don't ever know what the real world has in store for you, do you?  But there will be time to spend looking for goodies at the Goodwill and for that much I am glad.  There is not much else I care to do in Nogales, really.   I won't have time to do much of anything, really, other than the Goodwill.  And I will not be crossing into Mexico - I will be too tired to deal with US CBP and there's really nothing I truly NEED on the other side of the border, either.  

At any rate, I am glad that I have discovered this library and I'm glad that Nita is in tonight for group.  At least I will have 2.5 hours of not being directly in the middle of everything and for that I am truly glad.  

More later, Rob

So Here I am at the Age of 55

So here I am at the age of 55.  So much of my life has just been totally insane.  I can remember the trauma of my first arrest in August 1987 - so long ago and far away but due to databases and background checks - the latter of which did not exist in 1987, and how could I have known such was coming ?  I remember the two men who showed up at the apartment on 20th Street asking who I was and then telling me I was under arrest.  I was stunned, I  really was.  And the officers that came originally not long before - one of them telling me that I had just ruined my life.  No, that arrest did not ruin my life per se - it was merely a symptom of insanity I had been dealing with for years.

What really DID ruin my life was not this traumatic experience with law enforcement - what ruined my life starting way back in Sandown, New Hampshire, where I realize now my Father had a well deserved reputation as having a few screws loose - no one wanted to have anything to do with me - parents wanted their kids to have nothing to do with me.  And so I never learned social skills.  I wish I would have known this and understood this way back then.  The first indication that there would be problems was how the other kids treated me the brief period of time I was in 5th grade in Marlboro, Massachusetts.  I believe I was enrolled in school there only to have me babysat and out of the Nelson's house.  I remember being teased and treated like (expletive).  This was a preview of what was coming for me when we moved to Phoenix.  It was a nightmare as I was so starved for attention and acted up in class.  I cringe now at the fact I did that, but I was so young then and I did not understand anything about life then.  I was bullied, teased, and excluded from learning social skills.  I remember blaming Phoenix as it was so nasty in the Summer and there was no snow and I truly disliked living in a big city.  But what happened to me would have happened anywhere - I did not understand this then but I do now.  

And in high school?  I did not further my social skills - I had little to no chance to do so.  What I did was turn inward and keep my head down and I tried to look like everyone else.  I did get through it which is something I can't say for Darrell and Chuck - both deceased now.  Darrel in 2011 and Chuck in 2016.  I just kept my head down and did not really stand up for myself and hence the school all those four years never called my Mother in for a conference of any kind.  I was so alone and afraid those days - it seemed that everyone had friends and was having fun and there I was as an outcast.  Years of this really took it's toll on me and at the age of 46 - years later, I had a nervous breakdown in rural redneck Utah of all places. But my point here?  The police officer on that day so long ago - he was wrong.  What ruined my life was starting out in the situation I was in with my Father being a schizophrenic drunk - and my Mother being drunk half the time.  I never really received any guidance - just shame and guilt when I acted up in school and brought home bad grades in Behavior.  I also never received any protection back then.  No wonder I turned inward.  Outwards there was very little for me. There was never any encouragement - just shame and guilt.  No one thought about me and what I needed, what I felt.  It was always my Father being drunk and my Mother not giving me what I needed.  That was the foundation/base of my life.  No wonder I turned inward - as I said above, in my youth there were few positive experiences and a lot of loneliness.  

Seriously - I feel a bit like the boy in the glass bubble.  Or that a wall was between me and other people/the world.  When I moved on to college, I had problems with people too - I just wish I had understood what was going on back then so I would not have been so hurt.  The only roommate I ever had that actually worked for me was Tim McMahon, and he passed last year on August 3rd due to drug addiction.  Remember the first roommate I had in NAU way back in January 1986?  36 years ago now, I really can't begin to believe so much time has passed since then but it has.  Anyway, I don't even remember their names now but my roommate wanted me gone so he could room with his friend.  What an introduction to NAU!

Something happened my first semester at NAU all those years ago - I wish I would have understood the significance of this situation back then but I was young and jeepers, so naive back then.  I was in a one credit mini course about Communication, and we were divided into groups and given paper pieces of a puzzle to put together.  Everyone was moving their pieces along but me - and the "problem" person in each group was tapped.  Those tapped had to leave the group and were deemed the "problem" person.  That was really painful as it came out of the blue - just apropos of nothing.  What I should have learned there is that indeed I was lacking in social skills and that I would probably be best off self employed - seriously.  I only wish I understood this back then!  I was so programmed to go to Colllege and become successful  Due to the arrest I noted above, and another 7 months later during my Spring Break 1988 - I can't even get a job setting up low income people with free phones.  When I received a free phone and a cheapie tablet last week I noticed something written on the table stating that they were hiring but you had to have a clean criminal record - just to hook up low income folks with free phones!  Utterly insane.  So many doors are slammed shut to me with my two misdemeanors, my lack of social skills, my age, and the fact that I have not worked in years.  

Something I do appreciate regarding all this therapy is that I finally understand that I have PTSD from everything that has happened to me in the past.  I, on my own, went further with my understanding that I am a schizoid - not  schizophrenic like my Father was - just a loner is all.  A loner with anhedonia (sp?) - an inability to take pleasure in things that most people can.  I've been this way for years.  Honestly, the last time I was ever exited about anything was in 2008 when I won a DVD player from Gateway Community College - I remember being so up and almost manic about it.  Since then, no such excitement.  This lack of pleasure extends to sex, too, something I find relief in and something I find very depressing, too.  I seem to be immune to what is said to be one of the driving forces of human beings.  And I think I can trace back to where this began.

"Go find yourself a friend" - my Mother said this to me very cuttingly I believe when I was still in 8th grade and i believe this was the  start of my turning inward and the start of disappointing orgasms.  Apparently, once you start schizoid adaptations (something I had to do to stay sane, truly) the prognosis is poor as to recovering from them.  

I look at myself and my past behaviors from this viewpoint of being middle aged and I begin to understand why I am the way I am.  I can recall being in my room at Bury Hall when Fall Semester 1987 started.  I was alone in the room and some guys were knocking on the door and kept knocking and knocking and I refused to answer - I hid myself and had no desire to meet anyone.  See - that's my adaptation right there.  Self imposed social withdrawal.  And look at myself in Portland at the age of 25 - I had a house fully paid off, money left and I was young and whatever looks I had were likely at their peak.  Did I try to find anyone? No.  And per society's standards, that's the most attractive and desirable I ever was.  And I did not use it to find anyone.  

Portland was over a quarter century ago - matter of fact, my leaving Portland was 25 years ago.  This April will be 25 years that I started waiting tables at Denny's - who was that person back then?  God I didn't know anything about life that I do now.  And here I am at the age of 55 with no real skills and the understanding that I am undatable - I do not have that which others would seek these days.  I can remember back in 2011 how naive I was about relationships and I did not understand back then that I would be considered a loser by society.  I remember  being in touch with some guy in San Antonio and thinking that I would be moving there - Rob, duh, like really.  That guy just wanted to get laid - that was it, no more.  I understand that I am a train wreck and have been one for years - it's taken me entirely too long to grasp this, but FINALLY I have.  

Something I wonder is that is the desperate loneliness I felt when I was young - was it real or was it social conditioning?  Alone has always felt so safe to me - still to this day.  And I can understand that as when I would walk home from high school, I would have two to three hours alone in that small apartment and that was the safest time of the day for me.  I can remember this from 40 (gasp) years ago - I was a second semester sophomore and utterly miserable what with Lyle living under the same roof and Darrell right next door.  There was no support, no guidance, no kind words, nothing.  I did have clothes and food and a clean play to stay, true - but emotionally I had nothing.  And it  really hurt though I kept my mouth shut back then and bluffed through the motions as best I could.  

So we come to me here today at the Cholla Branch Library and it's pretty cool!  This is a place I can come to before any appointments at Family Service Agency.  No one will hassle me here and I can be alone and at peace.  Honestly, I just seem to fail at so many things I have attempted, though I have learned a bit along the way from these failures.  This April will be 30 (gasp) years since that office job at Multnomah County in downtown Portland. I was so naive back then, I did not understand what was going on.  Today if I were in that situation I would have left when I realized that there was no training for me - I would have ghosted or perhaps told the truth and said that due to a lack of training, I would need to move on as they would not be keeping me on anyway.  And I really did dislike that job.  Great benefits but no training so the benefits mean nothing.  And remember all the retail jobs I had?  What misery those jobs were - I am so grateful I have up on retail and hey, that's 31 years ago now.  I don't really miss Portland, anyway.  And something creep about Portland.  Recently I read about a quadruple homicide in SE Portland and so I looked to see where it was. Of all the streets it could have been in SE Portland - it was on MY street, SE Boise Street, the one I lived on, just a few blocks away from the house in SE Portland. Ultra creepy.  And the cost of living there combined with all the protesting.  And it's too far away from the Mexican border for my taste.  And I really disliked my neighbors there, the Baffaros, Joe and Jan.  

I (basically) accept that I will be going through this life alone, for better or worse.  I have too many red flags and dealbreakers and I have enough baggage to sink the Titanic.  I don't think I'd date someone like myself, either.  Then I look at society and what is expected of me with no sane foundation and no meaning - and I'm like why did I not understand and accept this sooner?  Especially my being a leper due to my two arrests and two misdemeanors on my record.  Better that I am alone and safe.  And one thing I did learn with my attempt at a relationship back in 1998 with Darren - I didn't know jack about myself back then - I had more issues than he did, and a really really really strong lack of trust.  I didn't grasp this then - it was enough to hold down a FT job and be self supportive.  But I do have a really hard time trusting people - given my background and how I fell thought the cracks and how I've been judged so hard and so often, with no one factoring in my trauma - why WOULD I be trusting of people when you get right down to it?  I've managed to read a little between the lines from what I could discover online and I believe that when Gene died, Darren probably inherited some money - that's likely how he was able to move to Minneapolis - a city that was once on my radar but no more, not after the Chauvin incident and so many other Minneapolis PD issues.  No Thank You!!!

I remember running wild the Fall of '97 and I have to ask - who WAS that person?  I'm older now and would not do such now.  And it has been some time - remember Donnie Booth who worked at Quality back then?  He now has three sons - not sure how this took place - and he looks older now, too, and I am going to guess he's clean these days.  Good for him!!! I wonder whatever happened to Tim Keenan - my backstabbly roommate 25 years ago - apparently he got caught stealing money on employee meals somehow and was fired in 2003, a year before I worked at the El Tovar lounge.  Gotta say it would have been funky to work with him again, even if he were in the dining room and I were in the lounge.  I just hope he didn't do anything drastic - I'll guess he took the shuttle out of town as I did but then to where?  I still remember leaving the Grand Canyon in that shuttle when I was fired, turning around to get one last look at the El Tovar.  I'm glad I was fired, truth be told - it was a miserable place to work and I understand that they are charging a LOT more for rent now and you HAVE to take their meal plan, even if your schedule does not permit you to use it.  And no more cooking in the rooms - ick.  I can still remember going back to visit in 2018 and how bizarre it was to sit at Maswick and to show my face at the GC Library - places that had no real meaning or impact to me as I was no longer there and was just passing through.  I miss the climate and a few decent souls,  I miss the trees.  That's about it.  Funny now I realize that Flagstaff has nothing for me - it's expensive and I've aged out of it - Nogales, Arizona is on my radar now.  

About Nogales being on my radar - I never would have thought such a place would be on my radar but it has that which works for me.  It's small, it's safe, it's quirky.  I get the feeling that there are some interesting individuals living there, such as that guy from Goodwill who was standing behind me in line and that I talked to at the bus stop later.  Such as that guy who drives a cab in Nogales, AZ and lives in Mexico.  Such as the woman who drove the cab on my second to last visit who told me she was working under the table and was on disability and that many people in Nogales WERE on disability.  At least such people are not after the moon and the stars.  

Fermin, our tenant, and Yesenia, his girlfriend, both caught covid.  She is better and is back to work testing negative....Fermin on the other hand is on oxegen at St.  Joes.  I don't know how this is going to turn out, I just wish he had gotten his damned shots!!! I hope he does not die, that would be tragic in my book, especially given that he has kids, three kids, all of whom are under 18.  I have prayed and will continue to do so - I just want him better and out of the hospital!!! Who knows what's going to happen, though?  I can only pray and hope for the best.  

Back to me not being willing to date myself if I could - I don't know how to date, I don't take any pleasure in sex, and I have no idea of how to keep a relationship going.  Given that I am 55 years of age, and that I should have learned these skills long ago - and that anyone out there would expect me to know these skills by my age - it's best that I don't cry over something that will likely not happen.  I'm not the only one out there is this boat and I believe something I read recently online sums it up completely - I feel as if I'm playing a game that I was not given the rules to.  Definitely.  And the gay men that I have met to date - nothing to get excited about.  I'd rather be around cool straight people truth be told.  I look at John Masciola - ick.  And Paul Lambertsen - ick.  Butcha know, they both gave me life lessons and made it clear that I don't belong in mainstream gay culture - it's too much drama and up and down.  Something that really bummed me out was being told at Charlie's years ago that some guy had been coming every night for ten years - Lord, I find that depressing and then some.  I am just someone who is best off alone, and what little I can do I can do - such as giving Fermin and Yesenia a free month at the guesthouse.  I can be kind to the few people who talk to me, I can do nice things like giving Juan's son the antibiotic pills I picked up in Mexico for his infection, I can be kind to the cat.  I can do a few kind things here and there and keep a low profile.  But a relationship - honestly, I don't have the skills and I'm not going to learn them at this late date.  The sooner I can accept this as my fate, likely the better chance I have of ever being content.  I'm no longer seeking happiness - being content with my lot is good enough.  

At any rate, I will close for now and will send an email to Astrid and Peter as I said I would.  

More later, Rob