At Burton Barr Yet Again.....

At Burton Barr Yet Again.....Here I am on the fifth floor.  Mom was gone for awhile today and I did manage to get a little bit done but mostly today's news is that I DID apply for two jobs online at Indeed.com.  I am amazed at how many people Indeed.com claims applied for these two jobs already - I doubt I will be getting any kind of a call back but it does not hurt to apply and one good thing is that I was able to put together a resume very quickly and easily on the Indeed.com site.  So we shall see.  It is very easy to use this saved resume to apply for other jobs and I even have a saved cover letter stressing that I am not burnt out that I can  tweak for other jobs as I keep applying. Though I still doubt I am going to hear much about other jobs - we shall see, though, no?  At least I tried today.

 Went to Blue Fin today and no great surprise - they are raising their prices like everyone else is these days.  Ick.  I don't know how this is all going to turn out based on how crazy everything is these days and because wages are not really going up to meet price increases.  Good thing there is not much that I care to see in the United States, though I will say that in El Paso I'd love to go to the Holocaust Museum if nowhere else.  I don't believe I'd want to fly there though - no Thank You.  I don't care to fly domestically these days and what's killed off my urge to travel domestically is my disillusionment with this society in general and the fact that I will never fit into this country.  Not even amongst other gay men.  Matter of fact, there is a pride flag downstairs in the temporary display area and looking at it?  Makes me feel absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all. All I see is another set of expectations and the fact that acceptance is totally conditional.  I really AM lucky for my schizoid adaptations, I really am based on human nature overall.  

I find it very ironic what I was exposed to in 1987 in Austria - the anti-Semetism - and yet I too can be so horrifically judged in Austria - even though I am humanitarian and am appalled by the Holocaust.  I am so so so glad that I don't live in Austria and there is a big part of me that wishes that I'd never set foot there.  I certainly fit into Austria even less than I fit into the United States and that is really saying something.  I wish I'd never met Johannes and Renate - and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.  I can still remember after we parted ways they blamed me for stealing their Austrian passports - I did nothing of the kind but this shows exactly what they thought of me - just like Rosi jumped to conclusions as she did.  I think very little of people who are like this and their opinion of me means less than nothing.  But with any luck, I will never set foot in Austria again, and even Europe no longer interests me per se.  I've seen Madrid and for me that's enough - very grateful I am to have seen Madrid, though.  And those wonderful musuems!!!!!

Something I find very bizarre is that when I sent pics of/discussed museums in Madrid, Peter Feltein replied with the following - We are not really into that.  Now that I find creepy - it's like you are not free to just talk, topics have to be "approved" - F that is all I can say.  And I certainly don't fit into that, not one iota.  And now I understand a few years ago why Kimberly was so creeped out by me - I am so so so glad these people live on the other side of the world.  I have no interest in dealing with this mentality on any kind of regular basis.  I guess being the Black Sheep amongst people who think this way is rather a compliment when you get right down to it.  And what was up with Peter Feltein asking me why the yard was the way it is and sending me a pic of the yard years ago in comparison?  Now that was creepy and it scares me to be in touch with him - what will it be next?  So bizarre that was, so bizarre. I would never do something like that - though the fact that he did it?  Strikes me as pure Austrian.  Honestly, had I known what Austria was going to be like years ago the plane would have been headed for Asia or South America - I would definitely have gone somewhere else.  

More later, Rob

At Burton Barr Yet Again.....

 At Burton Barr Yet Again.....Good news!  Yesterday my birth certificate from Massachusetts FINALLY arrived.  It looks very different from the one I had sent to me in 1996 when I returned from Arizona - Given how crazy the world is and given how crazy the US Government now is, I am guessing it is full of anti-fraud features.  Great.  Whatever.  I just hope I never have to order another - that was a hassle, especially going through customer service with the first CSR who went off on a tangent and I could not get her to come back.  I am so so so glad that I calmly disengaged and then called right back.  Thank God.  It was the right thing to do as I did get results.  And that last CSR, Tina - she was good and I am so glad I went through her at the end of my dealings with VitaCheck or whatever that company calls itself.  At least that is over, and what else is cool is that I HAVE found my ID - my Arizona ID, I mean - so I am not without government ID these days.  Good.  

I did go to Group last night, and it was not bad and it was indeed a nice break from Mom, Thank God.  And something else nice is that there is no group next Monday as it's July 4th so that will be a nice stretch of days to get things done - Thank God.  And now that I have ID I can actually make that appointment I have next Tuesday for a $125 medical research study - that will be way, way, way wicked cool.  That $125 in effect reimburses me for the birth certificate and for the name change paperwork with the all important raised seal, and this was not wasted money but something I did truly need to do as I do need to replace my passport, and the lesson learned here is that I do not cross borders and drink - the risks are too damned high in this crazy, crazy, crazy world.  But at least I can get this taken care of it looks like and I am glad for that much.  

So, what else?  I saw Abi this morning and I am glad that nothing is going to happen there - yes indeed am I ever ever ever glad.  I will be glad to smile and say a few kind words here and there but nothing is going to happen and for this I am very grateful when you get right down to it.  I am no longer young and I don't have the finesse to make something happen and you know something else?  I don't want to deal with someone else's family and friends and the need for the good opinion of these people.  That's just too much and I am so so so glad nothing ever happened between myself and John Masciola as he would have had me deal with his ex wife and his kids and that would have been more than I would have cared to deal with.  I need to accept for once and all that I am a schizoid and as a result, am essentially a loner.  And there is nothing at all wrong with this, nothing at all.  There is also nothing at all wrong with my wish to be alone, regardless of Mom and her Female Mafia not understanding such.  And that's something I have always, always, always disliked about my Mother - her intense need for social approval and acceptance from others, especially women, regardless of the destruction/consequences.  So so so much easier to minimize women and society in one's life and just be the F alone, ya know?  

Something I did today that I honestly really do approve of - I went to Blue Fin for the first time in ages to eat and I found the meal price to equal what Taco Bell's #6 would have cost - and I'm helping a small business and no attempts at suggestive selling or upselling.  I really do dislike this latter when it is pulled - or at least attempted to be pulled - on me.  At Blue Fin I don't have to deal with this - and given that I am someone who looks for work arounds in all things, this truly works for me.  

I don't know what is going to happen next now - with Roe vs. Wade overturned, potentially same sex marriage going away, access to contraceptives going away - none of this applies directly to me Thank God due to my being a schizoid - but society at large is going to freak out and it's going to make things yet more unstable.  Not only that but there is the constant threat of WWW3 given Vladimir Putin's insane and unprovoked land grab/war.  Things are just nuts right now and there is no way around that.  I am so so so glad to be single and childless and if I'm lonely, it's better to be lonely than to be in a nightmare which is what a relationship would essentially be for me.  I am someone that needs to be enjoying the very small things in life - a cool breeze, rain, a bird on a branch, birds chirping, flowers, thunderstorms.....things of that nature.  I will not have a grand social life, nor do I care to.  And honestly, I do not have to offer what is sought in a relationship anyhow, and with my PTSD I am better off alone anyway, as is any potential partner.  I still can't believe I managed to have a one night stand with Juan Carlos back in 2013 - how did I make all the variables work?  I also can't believe June 1st, 2012, now ten years ago, and the events of that day.  How I managed to make that work I am really not sure, either.  And that guy from 2012, Gilberto, who never called me - he was after a quickie and I just don't have that to offer any more.  I remember the last time I saw him - it was back in late August/early September 2019 - before the utter insanity of this decade took place.  I remember thinking that the reason our paths crossed was the God has a sense of humor.  Anyway, I am now 55 and will be invisible to most and maybe that's a good thing - it does allow me to be more free if nothing else.  

One huge huge huge perk I was given through my shitty teenage years - because I was almost always alone then, I am not afraid to be alone now.  There are indeed times in which I feel lonely, but I am old enough now to understand enough of human nature that I am not upset to be lonely - it passes and I have access to nature if I want it.  And being approved of and accepted for me comes at such a high cost.  And I remember how little self esteem I had and how other people made me so nervous.  That's one great thing I did get from waiting tables - I developed a spine and I don't really care what other people think of me these days.  Other people who judge me were not there for me when I desperately needed someone to be there for me, so why should their opinion of the consequences of how I was treated matter?  Seriously.  It's amazing to me who other people - mostly women - expect to control men.  Look at Astrid in Vienna who can't handle my being single, and look at that woman in Hong Kong who made an issue of my being single that I did not even see coming.  

I am definitely best off alone.  I've been judged too much and hurt too much and what I suffered that led to where I am today is not factored into anything - FUCK THAT.  And a society in which this is acceptable.  Thank God I am alone!!!!! Now I really have to ask why I didn't know this sooner and why did I even try when I was younger - well, I kind of tried sometimes in my own way.  I am just much better off alone, less drama and stress and hurt and judgement that way.  Much more peace and quiet that way.  Peace and quiet work for me, they most certainly do.  

And I don't consider myself a loser any more for all of the above.  I really wonder how I managed to keep my denial going to the age of 46 when the panic attacks emerged out of nowhere in rural Utah - what a lesson that was about how we have no rights in the United States - I was almost tased and arrested and I did nothing at all illegal, nothing. I am so so so glad that I got out of that horrible place, and that experience really did end seasonal resort work for me - also waiting tables.  I can remember after it happened and I started calming down in my room how I was trying to talk myself into staying but the very next day it happened again and I am so so so glad I just accepted it and got out of Dodge STAT.  And now of course I am too old for that line of work and do I miss it?  HELL TO THE NO!  At least I am out of f and b, though I will say my years in it were not a total waste - at least I got enough work in to qualify for a small SS check in seven years (hopefully) and for Medicare in ten years (hopefully).  At least there is that much.  

More later, Rob

Something In Me Has Changed.....

 Something In Me Has Changed.....and I fully understand now that I will be going through this life alone and that relationships and even sexuality are for those who drew different cards in life than I did.  And this is NOT some whoa is me feeling sorry for myself pity party.  There are many vulnerabilities I have avoided by the cards I've drawn in life.

I have avoided HIV and other STD's.  I have avoided reproducing myself which would have been an utter nightmare as I never got what I needed and I would unintentionally destroy a young person's life.  No Thank You.  I have avoided marriage and no alimony or child support nor divorce.  I have mostly avoided relationships other than the fiasco that was Darren Curtis 24 years ago starting in this August.  Gotta say, I don't like the fact that it's taken me THIS long to understand that a lot of information about my true nature came to light during that fiasco and I am glad I FINALLY grasp this, just wish I'd understood this much sooner.  

Turns out Abi is very much straight even though he's been sending mixed messages and what I take from this is that I am utterly inept in reading messages nor do I have the skills nor finesse to make anything happen.  Accepting this cuts stress out of my life, both current stress and potential future stress.  I also misread that clerk at the UPS Store and I'm glad I understand that, too.  These days as crazy as everything is I really am best off on my own and alone, and I am grateful now to be a schizoid and have these adaptations to try and keep myself safe.  I gotta say Thank You also to Mr. Mark Fong (and I'm glad I read online that he is off the streets) as it was crystal clear to me that I lacked reading skills of the situation and finesse.  Whatever.  I am just glad I am alone now and that I finally understand that I was meant to be alone and that there is nothing at all wrong with this.  

So what can I do?  I think getting rid of things, selling off what I can, giving some things away - this would be for the best these days.  Not just to get Mom and her Mafia off my ass but to get my credit card balances down.  And not use the damn things any longer - credit cards really do glue you to society and I don't care to be glued to a society that didn't care when I desperately needed someone to care and then just cast me aside when things went south and there were consequences.   At any rate, there is indeed some good there.  Because I was cast aside so early in life and never learned more than basic social skills - I was pretty much cast aside to be alone.  But think of the guys who were not cast aside early in the game as I was - THEY are the ones likely screwed via divorce and family courts and alimony and child support and having children turned against them.  And I also avoided a toxic works like Paul Lambertsen, Thank God!  And I also avoid any upheaval over the potential upcoming overturn of same sex marriage.  No one would want me anyway, interesting how this actually works for you these days, no?  Instead of whoa is me I need to be feeling grateful that I have been spared much of life when you get right down to it.  

Interesting too that these days the one person I have any warmth for in Austria is Peter Rubas, loud and bombastic though he is.  He understood without a word being said what I was putting up with and even stood up for me to my Mother on that riverboat back from Bratislava to Vienna.  He's good people even if he is loud.  

I am more and more feeling grateful that I am alone, I really am.  I honestly at this point do not believe I have what it takes to make a modern day relationship work and I don't even care to try at this point.  It's just too crazy out there these days and I don't wish to be a part of that any more than I have to be.  Maybe that was why I had so many issues in grade school with teachers and the school regarding my behavior - I was not behaving in a way where I could be used by society as a male in life.  I'm starting to see that yes indeed, men ARE used and then cast aside by society and I gotta say I don't care to be a part of that, either.  

It's interesting too that I remember talking with Bill Rabe in my special ed class at Roselane School in Spring 1978 - years ago - and I was 11 then and I remember saying then that I did not want to get married.  I didn't know what I know about myself then - I think it was more seeing what a nightmare life in New Hampshire was and my just saying NO even back then.  Flip forward to OK City bombing - I remember well dressed and educated journalists knocking on the door of cast aside people in little town that Tim McVeigh apparently had some connection with, thinking that I realistically was not the one knocking on the door but rather the one inside.  I also remember from my time in Portland reading of a woman living in a tent somewhere near Mt Hood with a bounty of cats - I remember thinking that was me, basically, just like when I was passing through a small town I think in Washington State on a Greyhound after selling the Portland property - I saw an older man on a 10 speed who struck me as quite eccentric and I remember thinking that that was me when I became older.  Point of all of this is - on some level I knew all along internally that much of society was just not going to work for me and realistically was off limits to me.  Internally I KNEW.  Now I just have to integrate and accept 100 percent this reality into my life.  

Anyone who judges me?  They were not there when I needed someone to be.  Given this reality, why should the opinion of anyone judging me mean one iota to me?  Seriously.  I'm thinking my best move these days is to keep a low profile and to ghost as much as I can.  I have the basic social skills I need to basically maneuver through life - as a single adult seeking to stay that way and not seeking status or approval or attention of any kind.  I know the reasons why my life is as it is, and I am OK overall with how things are in the sense that as I stated above, I have managed to avoid a lot of problems and a lot of pain due to being cast aside so early in the game.  And honestly, just look at the Single Rooms I had at NAU in the dorms 1987 to 1988 - No one wanted to room with me.  For obvious reasons that no one ever came right out and said.  I really am grateful that I was cast aside the more I understand life and the more I see it for what it really is, and the more I understand society and see it for what IT really is.  

Gotta pack up and leave the library soon as much as I dread doing so.  This place is like my ultimate safety zone now as I can just sit here and think and blog and be left completely alone - what more could a schizoid such as myself ask for? I am waiting on my birth certificate today and this is indeed something worth sticking around for.  I will need that to apply for a passport and a border crossing card.  I will be glad to get that application out into the mail and whatever the government says/does, I will be down with it.  I don't need to be travelling all over the place, anyway, though I am glad I saw what I saw in Asia when I saw it.  Things in Hong Kong and Myanmar are different now and I don't think I'd want to go there now.  

At any rate, I am glad I had to chance to express this here privately, and I am also grateful for my last talk with Marnie regarding not caring for our Mothers out of love but out of a sense of duty and obligation.  At least it's not only me in this boat, and I am sure there are many, many, many others.  Something to be grateful for that I am not alone with!  

More later, Rob

Some Good News!

Some good news for once!  I made it to my lab appointment at Spectrum Medical and I am glad to be a patient there as it seems to be a place in which gay men are accepted and let's face it, everyone figures this out about me quickly - almost everyone anyway.  So that's done.  

Moving along, there is more good news!  Today I checked the Get Upside App and I am now at $118 plus - I DID get the $15 bonus for grocery shopping three times at Ranch Market, and I think that's really cool!  That's one of those rare things that just works, you know?  So that's cool and I can sure use that money, no doubt!

Moving along to yet more good news, I received a call from Tina at that documents place and she called to tell me what I already know - that my birth certificate is indeed being shipped out and GET THIS!!! It's supposed to arrive tomorrow so it is possible if it arrives early enough that I may go to 16th Street and Indian School and apply for a REAL ID - Arizona State ID Card.  That would indeed be cool but let's see what time it gets here.  I may be better off applying for such on Monday before I go to Group with Nita.  

And lastly, I had a nice text chat with Abi.....I still don't know what to make of him but right now, why can't I just be happy with how things are?  I'll let time pass and see what develops, you know?

More later, Rob

Came back to add - my last cashout of Bitcoin App points totaled over 40 cents.  Cool.  I'm getting closer to a dollar in bitcoin and I know this is nothing but it's cool anyway plus the game does keep my brain engaged.  

At The Burton Barr Branch.....

At The Burton Barr Branch.....and I have Good News!  I just checked my robandover@outlook.com email and it turns out that my birth certificate from Massachusetts was indeed sent!  Thank God!  I should be getting that soon and then I can go and apply for an Arizona State ID Card once again, and this time I will apply for a REAL ID so that I can fly - but I really question if I am going to be flying again domestically given the fact that having my background issues really do flatten the  US for me, and given that it's not the same country it was when I relocated to Portland in 1991 - background checks and the Internet have ruined that.  I won't be able to rent nor pass any kind of checks - perhaps due to this I am best off leaving for somewhere like Georgia, where a US citizen gets 365 days upon arrival with no questions asked.  THAT very much works for me - I could keep a low profile and just live out the rest of my days in peace perhaps.  

At any rate, my birth certificate is not far off from coming and from there I can move on.  I need to be keeping much better track of things like ID's going forward as I'd really like to never be in this position again, it's just too stressful and Mom will never understand.  Honestly, she will never understand that I have Complex PTSD and that she was a part of it growing up as my emotional needs, and my needs for physical safety, meant absolutely nothing to her.  It was only about looking good to those she perceived as having authority, and nowhere along the way did anyone even stop to ponder WHY I was having these behavioral issues - just guilt and shame and consequences divied out to me, that's it.  Just that.  No wonder I am so fucked up all these years later once the basement door was burst open via my panic attacks in May 2013 - it's really amazing to me, given everything I have been through, that such attacks did not set in sooner.  

But Alas, all these years later, I seem to be done with food and beverage.  Who is going to hire me at my age at any trendy eatery?  Seriously.  What can I do these days, really?  I guess I can be working on the house for real, FINALLY - and then start selling things and getting rid of things. I really don't need as much going forward as there is no reason for me to dazzle or impress. I just need to dress ghost like but clean and I need to sleep.  Not a whole lot more in a society that has made it crystal clear that I am unwanted.  And something else that bothers me - why all these years have I attempted to fit in finding some kind of loophole when such seemingly does not exist to begin with - why did I even try to fit in or belong?  I remember my time at the Squire and how I so wanted to belong and how toxic that place was to me and how glad I am to be way beyond it now.  And I remember how angry I was at Mrs. Slade back in 1984 for lying that I was not in the upper half of my class so that she did not have to admit me into Quill and Scroll - she was a gatekeeper who decided in cold blood that I was not good enough to be a member.  I was so hurt and mad and now I wonder why?  Why did I even care about not being let in, and what would have changed in my life had I been let in to begin with?  Nothing.  It was not worth getting upset about - and in the future there is not much that I will be caring to fit into or belong to - belonging seems to bring it's own set of issues with it that I am just not in the mood to deal with these days.  

I wish I had known earlier in life how little society was going to mean to me, how little the opinions of other people really meant, and how little having gone to college was going to mean to me - absolutely nothing.  And about College - I called NAU a few years back and expressed my displeasure about Title 9 and accused young men not being able to call witnesses and denied due process - and this CUNT on the phone - a feminist no doubt, and a toxic one at that, took real offense and said she could no longer talk to me.  I guess reality was too much for her little brain to bear.  Thank God Thank God Thank God that I am not straight - though gay didn't/doesn't work for me, either - and Thank God I never married either way nor reproduced.  I guess in this one way, society did me a favor by marginalizing me - this marginalization prevented me from being extremely hurt and fucked over and so many men who were not marginalized from the starting gate as I was ended out getting fucked over later on.  At least because of my past, I was spared that much.  And no one, repeat no one, is going to want me now at this age when in the eyes of society I am nothing but a great big failure.  

At any rate, my birth certificate is coming!!! So glad I pushed myself and got this done!

More later, Rob

At The Library Again.....

At The Library Again.....Something nice here happened yesterday I have yet to post.  I did indeed go to the Set Aside Clinic downstairs in the Pullman Auditorium and it was so nice.  I had to wait awhile but I did get help from someone young and polite and she even said it was a pleasure as I was getting up to go. And it was!  I was treated politely and respectfully for once in my life and this is so so so rare these days.  I even left feeling less numb than I usually do so that was great, too.  

The young woman who helped me had me type a quick letter in Word Document and I did just that and she said that it was very very likely that my set aside would be granted as I owe no monies and this conviction dates back to 32 years ago.  I still remember that morning as a matter of fact as Mom and I went downtown that day for some reason that I no longer remember and later that day I end out getting arrested and transported by the police back downtown. I am so so so glad that has never happened to me again since that date, that's for sure.  It's amazing to me now as back then such would not ruin your life as background checks were much harder to do back then - now they are very simple, very inexpensive, and definitely a constantly growing business.  And it's so easy to get this information - I remember LeAnne at the Radisson and how she was playing games with the Maricopa County Superior Court website back in 2008.  She had obviously looked me up and knew my history - I can even remember her asking me - Who is trying to get you in trouble as I was about to get fired.  I'm going to guess that it was her.  And I was then out of trouble for 20 damn years at the time, but that's not good enough - she still gets to be a cunt about it, and that's what she was doing here for sure.  I was not heartbroken one bit to be fired from that place, that's for sure.  And hotels in general just F-ing suck.  I'm not sure which is worse to work for - a restaurant or a hotel.  Both are toxic as hell in my book.  

Anyway, I now have a certified copy of my name change dating to March 20th, 1985 - from a prehistoric era nine years before the Internet.  A time when finding work and finding housing both were so so so much easier than today, that's for sure.  Good.  I can get this faxed over in a bit when I go to the UPS Store and hopefully my birth certificate will soon follow.  And I just looked up the requirements for Real Id to get on a plane and I believe I will apply for Real ID, also.  Though I don't know that I care to fly domestically anywhere.  Seriously, I'm at the point where I'm like what would the point be?  Anywhere I go will be the same society and anywhere I go I will be considered a criminal.  That's just that is just that is just that.  There is a part of me that wishes Texas would indeed secede so that I could start over in a foreign country - but honestly, would Texas be a country I'd care to start over in anyway, given it's hyperconservative stances on everything?  Texas is not a place I would fit into especially well, that's for sure.  And I don't believe Texas would secede anyhow - there would be a showdown between Texas and the Federal Government, quite ugly, probably.  

Well.....then tomorrow I have an appointment with Spectrum Medical which I really resent, truth be told, and it glues me down with so much else that needs to be done, and I also need to go over to the post office on Buckeye, something else I resent as it cuts into time and I have to deal with Mom and her female/Austrian BS yet more.  She will never change and it will always be about how things look, not how they are.  And I will never forget Rosi and her nasty accusatory comment regarding my trip to Thailand.  That's not something to make light of nor joke about and I give up with someone that would say such a thing to me.  It's true that I am no angel but I have never done anything that horrible and if she can't see it and if she wants to believe all the report carding without ever hearing my side of the story, I don't need her in my life.  And honestly, I don't really care to ever set foot in Austria again, anyway.  There is nothing for me there any more than there is in Massachusetts.  And BOTH sides of my bloodline suck.  BOTH.  

At least I am OK with being alone and alone is how it's going to be from here on out I'm afraid.  I have essentially made my peace with that and I've essentially always been alone, anyhow.  And I am so glad that nothing ever happened between John Masciola and myself.  That would have been a nightmare to step into with his kids and his ex-wife - way more baggage than I care to deal with - and how arrogant he is!  It's OK for him to have baggage but it's not OK for me to have baggage?  And I remember one day when he said he wouldn't call any more if I didn't pick up - hello, who was paying the cell bill. HELLO?  Glad, glad, glad that nothing happened between us and I am also glad in a way that I made the mistake of contacting him in 2013, when he kicked me to the curb.  It was a mistake for me to contact him and it's a mistake I will not be repeating, that's for sure.  

I look back on my high school days 40 years ago and I can remember the only time in my day that was truly safe was when I returned home from school.  I would get around three hours where I was alone - blessedly ALONE.  And unbothered - no wonder why I love being alone so much to this day.  I was trained as it were to prefer being alone as it was the only time in which I was safe from people.  

OH AND HEY - something positive!  Today before I made it to downtown I found a medical research study on my FB feed and I called the number - it's that men's skin cream study company.  Anyway, I'm signed up for a study on Tuesday, July 5th, for $125 for three hours of my time and what's really cool is that this study reimburses me for the money I spent on birth certificate and certified name change paperwork today!  That's pretty cool and what wonderful timing!  And the man I spoke to when screening for this study said they have other studies I can be doing, so it seems to be something like Biosciences which allows you to do sunscreen studies every two months and God knows I can use the money!  I believe they also let you donate plasma, too, so there is something useful I can be doing right there to increase money in savings.  There really is not a lot of spending that I care to be doing at this point - given that I will be going through this life alone, what do I need to dazzle and/or impress for?  For what purpose, for what point?  But anyway, at least there is some good news there.  And soon I can begin donating plasma and hopefully this will work out OK for me, we shall see.  

Right now I'm thinking of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and how people who were liked - repeat LIKED - were not taken back last year due to housing/covid issues.  I don't understand all of what took place but I understand enough to grasp that if people who were North Rim Approved were not asked back, what chance in hell did I have? And realistically, would I even want to go back anyway?  Interesting that I was in touch with Mark Wilburn who encouraged me to apply, which I did, and to which I received a "not at this time" - code for you are not rehireable - two days after my application.  I am really amazed that Mark Wilburn did not grasp that I am a no rehire.  But because I was a no rehire, I was able to go to Algodones one last time mid July 2020 and then a week later down to see Tim - so glad I went too as he would only live for about another year.  And something else - not long after I applied and received my "not at this time" from HR - everything rapidly became strange with Covid.  Now THAT was a trip, it really was.  And about the North Rim - Robert Pennell, Mr. North Rim Barista himself, has moved on and that speaks volumes as he was an institution there sort of like Sharon Wilson was/is.  Things must have become very bizarre for this to have taken place.  And once again, I am glad I am not there these days.  My National Park life is behind me now and there is no way I would pass their background check now, anyway - and I would have been escorted off the mountain in 2014 anyway, per Bill Behrens, who told me that sometime after I was done background checks were done on long termers up there.  Since I essentially kept to myself, I would have had no friends to stand up for me as Bill Behrens did.  At least I was spared that humiliation/embarrassment.  Thank God!

As barren as my life is, I am glad that I am able to navigate basic life - what I have problems with is the concept of any kind of relationship or sex.  These are not skills that I have and at this late date, I doubt I will ever have such skills.  Is this such a bad thing though, with all the insanity out there these days?  Maybe I need to be more grateful (?), at least I have been spared a lot of stress and vulnerability because of this.  

More later, Rob

Here I Am Downtown.....

Here I Am Downtown.....getting a certified copy of my legal name change paperwork from 1985.  Woke up today and could not find the bag with my ID and the various goodies I bought yesterday so I just knuckled under and decided to deal with the government and it's rules and regulations.  I started by calling Vital Records in Boston, MA, who hooked me up with an outside business who sends out birth certificates for Vital Records.  The first rep I spoke to, who I thankfully did not lose it with, was a piece of work who got off on a tangent of changing my birth certificate to my current name after the name change and this got convoluted very fast.  I tried to navigate it but I could see this was not going to work and I did something different for me - I used my PTSD to get myself off the phone and then I called back in a few and a different rep answered who got me results - I was able to start the process to get a copy of my original birth certificate sent to me with the caveat that I fax them a certified copy of my name change paperwork.  So here I am downtown trying to get a copy of my name change paperwork and it's scary as the clerk here, who has been helpful, I will give him that, called me up to the desk as he was unable to find my name change paperwork case so far in the system.  This is so so so scary, it really is.  It makes me have so little faith in the system period - if I do something wrong, that stays in the system until my 99th birthday.  What a double standard and how little I really care to be part of this society anyway when you get right down to it.  But the clerk is still looking, maybe he will find it, it's not totally hopeless perhaps as the clerk said.  He is looking on microfiche and that was the technology years ago back in 1985 when I went and changed my name.  God it's so hard to believe how technology has made life so much more difficult for so many people.  

And I have some good news!  The clerk just called me up to the desk and HE DID FIND MY CASE!!! Thank God.  So now I can start the process to getting my birth certificate sent to me and with that and the certified name change paperwork, I can go and replace my state ID card.  Thank God!  And take better care of these things going forward.  And I am so so so glad that all my current debit cards and credit cards are indeed in my wallet so no money can be drained from me by these methods and I am frozen with all three main credit bureaus anyway.  So things could be much worse.  And I did call the library to have my library card frozen, just in case.  I even asked them as to last books checked out and they did not mention that $29.95 Mexican travel guide.  Funky.  

I really need to be taking better care of my things.  It is so frustrating as I hate, absolutely hate, working around Mom as she judges me and report cards how I clean and how I do things and I am just totally fed up with being treated like shit like that.  Something else that bothers me is a meme I ran across yesterday from the gays over 40 site - and it states:  Men, you are not the rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.  OUCH!  What I take from this is that if you were not raised well, if you drew bad cards as I did, fuck off and die and tough luck, buddy.  Given that I had no control over who raised me, is this a game that I even want to be part of?  NO THANK YOU.  If this is the case, and with my 55 years of life experience I know it is, I really am better off by myself.  Truly.  I am never going to meet the expectations of society or women or gay men at large when you get down to brass tacks.  At least I can see this and I can start accepting the truth down to my very DNA - I really AM best off alone and in this society, there is going to be no one who will want me and that is that is that is that.  At least it's not totally hard to accept after the insane life I have led.  

And VIOLA!  For $30.50 I do now have the certified copy of my name change paperwork!  Thankfully this done and I am very grateful to have that done, I really am! 

More later, Rob

Here I Am Again At Burton Barr Branch Library.....

Here I Am Again At Burton Barr Branch Library.....and I am doing something constructive here and I am happy about that.  At 4 PM there is a legal clinic downstairs in the Pullman Auditorium that will help you file for a set aside and as I understand, one of my two misdemeanors has not been set aside.  What this will realistically do for me I don't know - but it costs nothing and it IS what little I can do about my past in this state.  I might as well do it as it costs nothing.  And it gets me out of the house and away from Mom and her priorities and her need for everything to be perfect and her need to report card and disrespect anyone who does not meet her standards.  So that much is positive, yes.  

Yesterday I had a 3 PM appointment with Nita and we seem to be coming to the end of the trauma therapy Thank God.  Now she wants to replace it with this Introvert packet and I do believe she is trying to help but there is also a billing component involved - but these appointments do get me out of the house so I am not in the mood these days to complain about it as I used to be.  Nita was not there last night for group and Thankfully, I found this out from Nita herself and I left before group started - I just was not in the mood to have the 12 steps spin-cycled to me again like the last time such happened.  And I strongly feel that most if not all of the other attendees would agree with me on this one.  Just had my fill of 12 step pressure.  So I did get home earlier yesterday and it truly WAS nice to not be out on 27th Avenue after dark, believe you me.  I wonder if I am going to hear about this or not - it is mid afternoon the day after and as of this moment, I have not heard about it, Thank God.  

So - whether I like it or not, I need to get the house done and I am really dreading it.  It's that same everything needs to look nice but what really is going on means nothing, it's all about how things look.  I can't stand this about my Mother and I never really could.  It is so soul destroying and what's more, she can report card me and people will tend to take her side and no one - given that I am male - is interested in my side of the story.  Good Lord, what DO straight men do to not go completely insane?  Though I will say from what little interaction I have had, gay men are just as bad this way - so many seem to have the very worst traits of women wrapped up in their personality.  I can remember a post on FB of Paul Lambertsen's when he was talking of changes in his life and his house I believe he grew up in - and all he mentioned was the women in the house, not the men who were working and paying to keep things afloat and paid.  Typical.  It's a good thing that I am single and am in the process of accepting that yes indeed, these are the cards I was dealt in life. And relationships today? No way am I stepping into that rapidly whorling propeller blade.  No Thank You.  Right now I am looking back at 1986 - 36 years ago now - and I was 19 and Jessica and I had a fallout without really having a fallout - and I remember how incredibly hurt I was.  Just so so so hurt.  I can't see myself ever having that level of feeling today - I have been so numb for so long that it's like my normal now.  It's like looking back at a stranger.  

I understand and accept that I do not have what is sought on the relationship market.  The upside of this is that I don't have to deal with the friends and family of someone else and I don't have to worry what these outsiders think of/make of me.  That right there is a gift, it truly is.  And in the straight world at least, more and more men are walking away from dating, relationships, marriage - even casual sex.  In today's world, the risks are just too high and I don't blame men one iota for making this choice.  Women have all the power today and it's like they are drunken sailors on this power.  I am glad to not be straight - but with the caveat that gay men are often not much better nor really much different - from women.  Remember Darren's remark about my sheets that set me off in 1998?  Remember how Paul couldn't handle the paper build up on my side of the room in 2004?  

Because I don't have a car, I don't have a driver's license, and I have not worked in years, very few people would want me in their lives these days.  But there is some good here - anyone who would judge me as worthless for this I would not want in my life anyway - so maybe I can view the above as my personal screen out mechanism?  At any rate, I am 55 now - how DID THAT HAPPEN - and it's time for me to just accept this.  Much younger guys have accepted that they will be going through this life alone, why has it taken so long for me to come to this place?  And really, realistically, I am very much in the wrong country.  It is too easy here to be derailed and cast off by society as trash as I have, any many others, have been.  Something that will always stand between myself and my Mother is that she takes no responsibility for how horrible it was to be hassled for my grades in behavior growing up when she was part of the instability I dealt with whenever I was at home.  And then her washing her hands of my problems in eighth grade when I did try to be honest with her once, kind of, only to be told the following five words which changed the trajectory of my life - Go find yourself a friend.  Very cruel and cutting words as such was not possible given the givens in my life, plus these five words made it crystal clear to me that I was on my own as far as my problems went - I would not even get her ear to listen.  God that hurt, it really did.  And still does to some degree, though I will also say that such makes me very grateful that I never had kids, Thank God. No child support, so kids used as a pawn to hurt me more, no screwing up a young person's life since I never got anything I needed when I was growing up.  Things could be worse - I could have been straight and reproduced - Thank God that did not work out is all I can say!!!

And moving on to Texas - it turns out that the Texas GOP is once again making noises about secession from the Union.  I'd actually LOVE to see this happen though I doubt that it realistically will.  What crazy people these Texan Republicans are for keeping to the BS that the election was stolen from Donald Trump.  OH GOD I am so so so glad that I don't live in Texas!  Though I will say that this secession talk is interesting, I doubt it will actually go anywhere.  

So realistically, what can I do these days?  It seems as if I have so few options, it really does.  I guess I can FINALLY work on getting the house done, that would get Mom a bit off my ass I guess but then it will be once again all about how things look and not how they are.  I am starting to believe that Mom does not have the emotional strength to deal with how things really are and this too makes me glad that I am single and that I did not reproduce.  I am also glad that my Aunt Helen is out of my life - I can remember her judging me for being cheap after I chose not to buy furniture new in Portland.  I remember her saying - he's going to be so cheap.  Like she had some kind of right to judge me - better to have this out of my life.  And it is. And then Ivy and Colby are out of my life, too, Thank God.  Ivy is the product of a woman who groomed me for my Father's money, and Colby would judge me for living at home when I have no realistic other option.  Better to not have this negativity in my life.  That's one thing right there that DID work out for the best in my fucked up life.  And another thing I have come to learn in my life - both sides of my family are/were fucked up. BOTH.  

Had I known how toxic my trip to Austria was going to be in 1987 - I would not have gone, though I also believe that back then you could have told me that.  I am so glad that I am no longer in touch with that side of the family, and that my Father's side of the family has kicked me to the curb.  I am better off alone than having people like this in my life, I really am.  To have to meet their expectations - and for what, what exactly is the benefit when they judge, judge, judge?  I really AM best off alone.  

At least there are still places like this library for me - here I fade into the background and THINK and I am no one here, just a "patron" - that really works for me.  Jeepers even in a recent visit to Target some aggressive salesperson approached me trying to get my cell phone business - I could not even be left alone to shop without America getting up in my face.  It was however nice to tell this salesperson that I am frozen with the three big credit bureaus - that worked to get this person away from me as no credit check equals no new account.  I will use this line more often in the future and not only does it work, it's TRUE, too.  No lie necessary.  And I am so so so glad that my credit is indeed frozen.  One less thing to worry about if nothing else.   I actually now wish I had never been granted credit but live and learn, what else can I say?

More later, Rob

At Family Service Agency In The Lobby.....

At Family Service Agency In The Lobby.....I have to say something.  I don't believe that Abi is gay and I am so so so glad truth be told.  I know I was trying to figure it out for awhile but I'm done.  And I am so glad truth be told.  I am starting to understand more and more that I don't have what is looked for in relationships to offer nor do I have the skills to make a relationship work - I so wish I would have known this years ago so that I could have spared Darren Curtis all that hurt.  That was vicious on my part, it really was.  But honestly, how could I have possibly known that, really?  I had no experience in that area whatsoever - the one thing that I WILL fault myself for with Darren at this late date, though?  I should have learned more about myself through my reactions to Darren - there was a treasure trove of information about myself that I was experiencing and displaying and it went over my head and I did not at all look at my side of the street.  Poor Darren - though I am glad that he went back to Gene and that he I'm sure inherited money when Gene passed of cancer as I learned online some time ago.  At least he won't be poor I hope and he had the means to move to Minneapolis and try his luck out somewhere new - got to give him some credit for that, I most certainly must.  

Anyway, there have been sort of hints along the way and yesterday sitting out in the yard I picked my nose, something I should probably have known better than to do - and one of Abi's female friends looked at me very judgmentally and I was like - no Thank You.  I am so glad that she did this, too, because her looking at me like that brought me back down to earth and back to the real world.  I am not ready for the friends that would need to be impressed by anyone that might be in my life, plus I am not ready to be around people that young at this age.  Probably better that I keep things superficially pleasant - and really, given my many issues and my Complex PTSD - I really AM best off alone at this point in my life.  I never learned so many skills and at this late date it is becoming more and more apparent that I did not/have not.  Really it is for the best that I remain alone.  

I am so so so glad I ran across MGTOW content some years ago, I think back in 2015.  More and more straight men are giving up on women and marriage and relationships, some even sex completely.  I think I'm in the frame of mind to adopt this attitude towards men as I don't understand men, either.  I really really really am best off alone, I don't have what it takes to pull off a relationship and why is this such a horrible thing?  It is not my fault, it really is not.  It's just collateral consequences from that which was fucked up while I was young and impressionable.  God, I look back 30 years ago - the Summer of 1992 - I was young and in Portland and I had a County Government Job!!! Which really sucked and on which I received no training whatsofuckingever.  Today I would get up and quit - matter of fact, today I would not apply for such a job to begin with.  I would quit as I would just state that I will end out being fired anyway, why not beat them to the punch?  What a miserable, dehumanizing job that was.  

More later, Rob

At The Burton Barr Branch.....

At The Burton Barr Branch.....libraries really do seem to be my thing these days - though you know, I have loved libraries for years.  I like how I can come in here and just BE - and I am referred to as a "Patron" - something I really appreciate, as opposed to other words I might be referred to.  

Moving along, today I did get the last segment of the BioSciences study done and it seems as if I may be able to do this again in a scant two months.  There was some confusion over payment on ClinCard but I seem to have handled that and with some grace and class - I don't believe I was banned or DNU'ed.  I can still remember that Andrea from MDS Harris years ago who DNU'ed me for a reason I never did find out but my guess is to limit how much one chats with any women at places like this, the problem though is that so many of the employees at places like this are indeed female.  No great loss with MDS Harris, though - toward the end I seem to have stopped being eligible for their studies and I still remember what a nightmare it was to try and get on an MDS Harris study back in 2006 when I was with CPK and they so cooly accommodated this - I ended up only getting $400 and getting bumped due to my bilirubin being too high - I did make what I would have made working at CPK for the week, this much is true but the experience really did turn me off.  

Something else too is that I received a text message from ClinCard regarding getting set up to receive money from BioScience Research - I think I'm OK though as that message I believe is generated from ClinCard and not some medical research site.  So that's good, anyway.  And this thing with Hope Research - it's all so bizarre as when I started, covid was such a big deal and now it truly is not the big deal it once was - Thank God.  That was such a bizarre period of time.  Nothing quite like that had ever happened in my lifetime but at least I seem to have gotten through it in one piece - though I have to say I do wish that Fermin had not passed and it's amazing to me that a virus can originate in China and then come all the way across the world to Phoenix and then kill off a tenant in the guesthouse, once again here, on the other side of the world.  I sure hope Fermin is at peace, visiting with his Mom and riding horses up in heaven.

I'm back after some time away and I am wondering if I should just go to Mexico City instead.  It would be less expensive overall for sure.  I could go direct from Phoenix, stay at a reasonably priced Centro Historico Hotel, and shop at Tepito.  I've also found massuers available but one bummer is that for a huge sprawling city the size of Mexico City there are not all that many listed.  If I can get the watches taken care of and do some sightseeing, that would be enough for me, seriously.  It's worth a try, no?  Going to pack up and go home now, something I am dreading as it's always difficult, it really is.  I just have to accept that like with Mary Tyler Moore on Ordinary People, Mom just does not have warmth or love to give.  Or real genuine emotion.  And yet she has all the negative female attributes - the report carding, the expectation of perfection, and how things look is much more important than how things are.  Ugggggggh.  I am so glad that men around the world are walking away from commitment with women as women will drive you completely insane, they really will.  And this comes from someone who is not sexually attracted to women nor has had any attempt at a relationship with a woman.  Imagine for guys that have this - how fucking burnt out they must become.  I can't even.....I just can't.  But whatever - at least what I have been saying is true.  At least I never married or had kids, Thank God.

More later, Rob

PS Had a bit of a reprieve today - I called Patti and it turns out she fell and broke her femur and is in the hospital though she did sound lucid and I am sure she will get bumped out of there fairly soon.....

At Least One Thing Worked.....

At Least One Thing Worked.....I DID get to do that SPF study today but they only applied two products to my back.  Regardless, my last appointment is tomorrow morning at 9:30 AM and then I go over to their other office on 2nd and Osborn I think it is to pick up my Clincard from them, and then I meet Patty at 1 PM at the library on 15th Avenue by Spectrum Mall I believe.  So at least I managed to make some money somehow today and for that I am grateful.  What's more, supposedly one can do these studies every two months, and if they will let me, that means that I can make money around the year based off them and I can also be donating plasma, too, something that would definitely pull me in some money that I would be glad for.  This rinky dink lower paying medical research study thing is just not cutting it, I need to pull in some better money.  

Anyway - in a life that has been so repressed and so fucked up for so long, at least something positive and good happened.  

More later, Rob

I've Got To Work On Forgiveness.....

I've got to work on forgiveness.....both for myself and for my Mother.  It was made crystal clear to me yesterday with her wishing that I no longer have power of attorney over her accounts that there will be no apology.  That shaming and guilting of me based on my behavior in grade school which started the downward snowball in my life?  She walks away with no real consequences while my life will never completely heal from this insanity.  Ditto for washing her hands of my problems in eighth grade that one time I tried to be honest with her - and in return I got that cold blooded Go Find Yourself A Friend, possibly one of the cruelest things she could have ever said to me given my life situation and the fact that I was essentially an outcast and friendless.  She will get away with this, too, though I will always suffer from these five words which so changed the trajectory of my life and made me realize that I was in this alone, that I would get no real help or love or warmth from her whatsoever.  

Confronting her with these issues has yielded nothing but more problems and she will not see her role in all this and at least apologize after all these years - it's like she believes she's above responsibility/accountability.  Just like men online in the Men's Rights Activism world say - she is behaving just like that, utterly above responsibility/accountability. And she's not going to change at this late date.  I guess I need to keep my mouth shut - easier said than done - and just accept it.  It's hard, though - but one thing I WILL say - I may be a total loser in the eyes of society but there is some good here, too.  

I never reproduced, sexuality aside.  I never married, sexuality aside.  I doubt I will ever date nor have sex again and I am essentially OK with this as I understand that I don't have to offer what is sought in relationships today.  I'm also very much damaged goods and in a relationship market this cruel, I have no business throwing my hat in the ring.  None whatsoever.  So there is some good here.  And I often wonder when I was in high school and I was so so so lonely - was that real human need?  Or merely social conditioning?  I'm thinking the latter more and more as I age.  And I found a really neat reddit thread regarding gay men also giving up on dating.  The posters seem to have hobbies and careers and seem to be content and just don't want to date and the way things are these days, can you blame them?  Seriously?  

Plus honestly, with my schizoid personality disorder, anxiety, depression, and PTSD, I have no business being in the dating world anyway, and my age definitely slams many doors shut.  Is this all such a bad thing, though, really?  I don't have the skills to start a relationship, nor to keep one going and at this late date, I doubt I will ever learn said such skills.  And is this such a bad thing in a world this crazy? With this society being so incredibly anti male?  With women so demanding and judgmental?  I still remember Nita DEMANDING that I work the steps with a sponsor - I had no say in the matter and I was really upset as with Catherine I never had to deal with something like this.  No way am I going back to AA meetings or working the steps with a sponsor after my experiences in the "Program" and after learning of it's dark side and how, much like the police, issues get buried/covered up.  I believe years ago that Miriam's therapist had it right in that she or he did not want Miriam going to 12 Step meetings as they were full of unhealthy people and the therapist said the Miriam needs to be around healthy people - unlike therapists at this 12 Step Mill.  I am so glad also to not be going to 12 Step Meetings and I am also glad that people are leaving AA and NA!!! Anyway, not to get sidetracked here, that was really over the top by Nita but I do like how I nipped it in the bud by going over her head - I don't think she was expecting that on my part.  Surprise, Surprise!!! Just like I don't think John Masciola thought I'd be the one who got away - got news for all - I am indeed the one who got away, Thank God!  

Here's something I find amazing - I've been to Navy Federal Credit Union up at the Collonade again after some time away and it seems to be all new staff and it further seems that regardless of benefits, NFCU is also dealing with the Great Resignation - amazing, given that NFCU actually has a defined pension benefit and must be like the last employer of a non-governmental nature in the US to offer a pension.  And thinking of governmental jobs -  before the Internet I did work briefly for County Government in Oregon - the background check was for Oregon only and under those conditions, I background check completely clear.  Today I could NEVER have that job, but I must remember this was pre-Internet quick and cheap background checks, and it was also before 9/11 and the national paranoia 9/11 started.  

'Tis a good thing I am seeing women much clearer as they are - Rosi in Vienna stating I was going to Thailand for THAT.....when I have not had sex in years and don't care to ever have sex again - huh?  If she really thinks that lowly of me I don't need to have her in my life.  Seriously, I just don't need that.  I wish more and more now that I had never set foot in Austria, truth be told.  And my experience far from tourist guidebooks of actual Austrians in their native habitat at a BBQ/cookout where that one man said - the only good Jew is a dead Jew?  That right there was/is Austria - and yet Austrians will judge me?  After WW2 and believing this?  I don't need that in my life, no I really don't.  And I am really hurt.  All these years later after all this pain there can be no apology but it's OK to think that I went to Thailand for that?  I don't need that, no I really don't.  And the real consequences of all the mistakes all these years later - mean nothing compared to how she feels and how things look - with how things really are meaning nothing.  How to forgive this?  Lord, I really do wish that I had never set foot in Austria, really I do mean this.  Renate and Johannes - this was bad news for both sides of the equation but they are no longer with us, Johannes passed I believe in 1994 and Renate in 2004 - she didn't make it to 70 much like Charlie did not - I wonder whatever she passed from?  All these years later I can remember her saying - see, that's socialism about the neighbors next door not working and looking out over their balcony.  Really, I don't belong around people like that, either, they are entirely too toxic for me, they really are.  

I just mostly need to be left alone, though I will say last Friday's experience at the UPS store was a bit of a lift - when I gave that young clerk a mini-lecture about doing without a car so as to not work until I am dead and having that owner/manager agree with me - that was GOLD these days.  I hope to see him once again and smile and wave.  At least that's better than nothing, right?  And it was niceness that was totally unexpected.  So that much was nice, yes.  As was Peter Rubas standing up for me to my Mother in Vienna - at least someone else could see what I was dealing with, and without a word even having to be said.  That was cool. I am glad that before things changed I was able to send him a Mexican wallet and also given him a 1 ounce sterling silver US coin.  That right there just seemed so right and once again, I am glad that I was able to do these things.  Funny that I used to find Peter Rubas annoying, now to me he's like the one person in Austria I find tolerable.  Funny how things change as life moves on.  

I'm not the horrible tyrant that Mom makes me out to be and that society makes me out to be due to my two arrests and two misdemeanors, now over 30 years old.  Life lesson:  It's OK to minimize dealings with those who see me that way after all these years - such people were not there for me when I desperately needed someone to tell me that life moves on, this is not forever, and that things change.  But now they can judge me?  Why am I in this society even trying, seriously?  

More later, Rob

So Much For Alea Research.....

So Much For Alea Research.....I went in today for my 9 AM appt expecting to get onto the study and get $100 for my office visit when low and behold, I was screened out today due to giving urine and testing positive for an anti depressant, the last of which I took two weeks ago and when I spoke to the pharmacist today at Community Pharmacy, he said that the wash out period should be something like two weeks or so and he also asked me if I had been taking it for a long period of time.....it's been since I went to Nogales that I took any amitryptaline and I don't understand why I got a positive result today.  Now I look dishonest but they did make an appt for me to come back next Monday and at first I accepted it, but now after thinking it through I called and said I'm done.  This research place makes me nervous.  After the potassium issue, and now this, I just have no faith that even if I had been accepted next Monday, that there would not be continual issues period, something that I just don't need to be dealing with period.  

I'm glad I called and walked away, I really am.  I am done with Alea Research now but I am however glad for their $200 - a nice shot of cash and once again, I am indeed grateful for it.  And what else is cool, I contacted a number of local medical research clinics and I found one with which I have a 3 PM appointment tomorrow for sunscreen effectiveness on my back.  This one does not pay very much, but.....it's quick and easy and a nice infusion of cash and I do appreciate that very much.  If I can get in quick and easy and get some cash I would be very grateful and I'd love to do a study somewhere where every visit is not constant vulnerability.  Too many times for too many studies there have been issues and it's a real pain in the ass.  Medical research, like so many other things out there, is not something that can be counted on - like with so many other things, I have no faith at all any more, I really don't.  I can remember when I was young I still had faith and trust overall in something like medical research - NOT ANYMORE.  

Today's experience made me very much glad that I am single and will likely be going through the rest of my life single.  Life is just inherently too unstable these days and the less I have to do with people and society, likely the happier and saner I will be.  People have hurt me and let me down far too often and I really do lack the basic skills necessary to keep a relationship together to begin with.  Instead of shelving it, why not accept it and move on?  I will be going through life alone and that is that is that is that.  I don't have what is sought in this society for a relationship and I more than likely never will, and that is just that.  It's amazing to me, too, that to move in the gay world and to have any time of success in this world, one needs to conform to fairly rigid expectations, and my question is this - why?  So many people have been rejected and judged for their sexual orientation - why the expectation of conformity to the gay "community" - in quotes as I don't truly consider it a community.  I think it's funny how Nita goes on about the gay "community" - I don't see this anything like she does at all, but then again I am not especially social and I don't have high needs for people in my life.  At this late date, firmly in middle age, I would much rather be myself and be rejected than to be someone I am not to angle for acceptance.  No Thank You!!!!!

I believe it's very much for the best for my mental health that I walked away from this Alea Research study!!! 

More later, Rob

At Cholla Branch On This Hot June Monday.....

At Cholla Branch On This Hot June Monday.....And the heat is almost here - the real heat the makes Summer such an unpleasant time of the year here in Phoenix.  I am not looking forward to it once again this year but seriously - am I really EVER looking forward to it when you get right down to it?  

I need to spend the next few weeks cleaning up the house and I am really dreading it, yes indeed, I most certainly am.  It is going to be more how things look with no attention to how things are and that's really really really toxic for me and always has been.  And something else that I passed by back in 2017 that really really really annoys me today?  Before Rosi hung up on me twice in a row not too long ago, back in 2017, I called to tell her that I was going to Thailand. Her response?  That I was going for young girls - at least she didn't say young boys, I will give her credit for that but it's still completely unacceptable and it's a real measure of exactly what she thinks of me and there will be no overcoming nor changing that at this late date.  I really don't like myself for ever calling her back again after that remark.  Now I understand that she must have said really horrible things about me to make Kimberly so wary and nervous of me - God only knows what exactly was said about me.  Mom is right about one thing - I am definitely the black sheep in this crowd and to be honest, I really don't deserve that.  It is not my fault that I never got anything I needed to compete in society, to learn above the very most basic of social skills, to find any kind of meaning or contentment in society and in this life.  Yet I don't fit in as I am a slob and this makes me someone who flies to Thailand for wrong, illegal and totally creepy reasons.  Not only that, but she will NEVER face accountability for this remark.  A real lesson about women and how incredibly toxic they truly are - though to be honest, gay men are toxic as hell, too.  

I really believe that I am best of working towards forgiveness - perhaps buying the Eva Kor book regarding forgiveness would help with this, I'm sure it's an intense and thought-provoking read if nothing else.  And get the house cleaned up and my possessions cut way back as I am going through this life alone and I have honestly accepted that at this point - there is no reason to dazzle nor impress, nor to own so many damn things that I really do not need when you get right down to it.  Getting the house in order is a project that will take some time and I can probably work it so that I minimize time dealing with Mom while I am doing it.  It is unbelievable to me that John Kuo himself was a slob, worse than me by Mom's own words - she will take his money but she will make my life hell and will indeed report card me - but John Kuo was completely left alone and given a free pass.  Ay Carumba.....I don't understand the female mind and I don't understand the gay male mind, either, but I do understand that I am not attractive by definitions of this society.....the upside of this is that I am invisible and this is not hard for me to deal with as it is for other aging people as I have been invisible most of my life.  This is nothing new other than my understanding and acceptance of this.  But boy howdy those nasty words from Rosi?  Really make it clear to me that I don't fit into nor belong in Austria, either.  But seriously, Rob, after my experience there in 1987, is this any kind of surprise whatsoever?  

And I don't fit into this country very well, either.  And this society wants nothing to do with me given my two arrests and two misdemeanors - this is a fact that is resoundingly clear at this point.  I've really tried, to, but honestly, at this point, would I even want to fit into this society when you get right down to it?  So much of what I do is alternative anyway - I only socialize with Hispanics, I eat from that Hispanic cart guy, I buy almost everything secondhand from the Nogales, Arizona Goodwill, I don't really fit into Camelback Road as I once wanted to and now I am glad that I don't - WTH was I thinking?  It was made clear to me lately when I hooked up with WaFd bank of 23rd and Camelback that I don't really belong there - setting up the account, the person I dealt with was clueless, and it took several days for customer service to get back in touch with me when I called. Not good.  I am glad that I ended out with First Convenience Bank - that manager had the professionalism to call and see if he could keep the account and I was wrong and the account is indeed free for me due to being 55 - that's at least one perk, anyway - and I find that I feel more at home in the line of minorities that bank there instead of up at 23rd Street and Camelback.  This is something that I actually like about myself - but I can think of those who were once in my life who would not agree and would much prefer to be at 23rd and Camelback.  Let them have that,  such is not for me.  At least I know this about my self, FINALLY.  Took long enough, no?

More later, Rob

At Burton Barr Downtown Today.....

At Burton Barr Downtown Today.....and I am so tired.  Really tired.  I am remembering someone who I have not thought of for years.....remember that male senior citizen who used to visit the Century Branch Library when I was a teenager?  And then I also remember him I believe occasionally visiting the old main branch when it was on McDowell before it moved to this new building while I was living in Portland years ago.  I remember seeing him once I believe at the Century Branch years ago AFTER I had returned from Portland - I wonder what his story was and whatever happened to him?  Probably passed by now.  And someone else from my past has recently passed, too - from my Freshman Year Photography Class, circa 1980 -1981 - remember the class where that MegaCunt Heidi picked on me?  Lord she was a bitch and I'm glad she graduated that year.  At any rate, the instructor was Charme Mooreheart, who was also the advisor to the Shield (the CBHS Yearbook).....I remember her and it turns out that on June 2nd, yesterday it would appear, she appeared in the obits section of the Republic, passing at the age of 83.  I have thought of her once in awhile over the years and now she's gone.  

About our tenant - I have no idea at this point what to think so I'm doing the smartest thing I can when I have essentially no clue and realize I don't have the finesse nor the skills to handle a given situation - I'm walking away from it.  I have no idea what to make of Abi, I really don't.  Yesterday I found a condoms package of his in the recycling - Yesenia had spend the night - and I thought that that was proof positive.  So I go outside last night after 8 PM and find Abi in the back, shirtless and wearing a long pair of red shorts and it seems that when he got up to leave (said he was taking a shower) it seemed as if he was not wearing underwear, at least the view of his rear seemed so.  And you know what?  I walk away.  It's just not wise to go a fraction of a centimeter further, it really is not.  I'll be decent to him as I am to all Hispanics but I don't know what to make of Abi, I really don't.  But then who said that I had to make anything of him at all? 

So here's my latest - I have finally accepted all these years that I indeed do have anhedonia - sexual and otherwise - and it's been normalized all these years so I have not made a big deal of it other than to wonder once in awhile why I am so numb. Good word for me - I am completely and utterly numb and have been for years.  And I believe I can trace the sexual anhedonia back to eighth grade when I was trying to tell Mom my problems one day and she coldly washed her hands of my problems by the following soul-crushing, utterly destroying remark - Go find yourself a friend.  Something that was not possible in the situation I was in and something that I accepted guilt and shame about so I worked against myself and my sanity by hiding things as much as I could.  She never really did ask many questions, given that the school was not calling in regards to my behavior, which is all she really cared about when you get right down to it.  

I don't know that there is any cure but what I can do is something quite radical:  I can/could forgive.  Just forgive one and all and move on with the last third of my life and whatever little it has to show me.  I don't know that there will be any loophole that I will find that would ever quote unquote "heal me" - but I can forgive - this is within my limited power - and then whatever life shows me the remainder of my life is what life shows me the remainder of my life.  I am quite likely going to remain alone as I most always have been.....I don't have the skills to develop a relationship, I don't have the sexual ability to keep a relationship going, and I have far far far too many red flags.  

After how I bombed with Mark Fong from pre-Covid days, I realize more and more that human relationships of any type are not my forte.  Though I have no rancor against Mr. Fong - if anything I am grateful our paths crossed so that I could FINALLY understand that the world of relationships is not one in which I am ever going to star.  And honestly, I look back at my time in Portland when I had money under my name and I owned the property at 4505 SE Boise free and clear - that was probably the most attractive I will ever be by societies' standards and I did not try one iota to find someone then - see how my behavior played out, left to my own devices?  Unlikely it will be now all these years later that such is going to change.  And I find myself more and more glad that Paul Lambertsen and John Masciola are both no longer in my life.  I do find it interesting that John kicked me to the curb late Janurary/early February 2013, before I had my panic attacks that kicked me to the curb in Utah and to date, sidelined me from food and beverage, something I believe is an eternal gift given the changes in f and b since the pandemic.  

I am feeling a little better now and I am glad for this.  It is hard to be buried at the property all day long but there really is little for me to do here in this town.  It's hard to believe but in a city of over 1.5 million and a metro area of pushing 5 million, there really is not much to do but to work or spend money.  So American this is, really American.  And something else I have noticed?  The fifth floor of the library's patrons are overwhelmingly male - just like on most Phoenix City buses - men really do have it harder in society and it is so easy for a man Maybe I am fortunate in the sense that this happened to me quite quickly in life with my first arrest at the age of 20 and the consequences I started paying later after the Internet made databases go worldwide starting in 1996.  That really changed things for me and for so many others out there.  It's hard for me to believe these days but before the advent of the Internet, back in 1992?  I actually worked for County Government in Portland for six months - a job of which I felt so horrible and guilty and mostly, shameful regarding losing - but after all these years I can look back and realize that I had no training whatsoever.  None.  Period.  It is not unrealistic for someone to need some small amount of training when starting a new job.  I was so young then and very much wanted a pair of glasses and the insurance - today I would look beyond this and would call HR and just quit, understanding that due to the lack of training I would be fired eventually anyhow, and just start looking for a better fit again.  I would handle that job so much differently now - but I never really did understand the world of work until I started waiting tables - that made things regarding the world of work much clearer for me.  

Hard to believe, isn't it, that it's been 25 years since I started waiting tables at the Denny's in Tusayan.  It's also hard to believe that Chris Morchak apparently died in 2017 - I wonder what from - and that Tim Keenan was fired from El Tovar/Xanterra back in 2003 for pocketing employee discounted tables money - and no one seems to know where he is nor what happened to him.  After all his years at the Grand Canyon, that must have been a shocker to him - having the rug pulled out from under him like that.  I wonder what happened to Juliet and Sherri and June?  Lord that was a crazy, crazy, crazy season and I am not surprised that I folded and went running wild.  Today I would know not to get involved with co-workers at that kind of level, and would have no problems leaving a job that essentially had become too crazy for me.  

And it's interesting how I ended out leaving F and B.....I innocently go to Flaming Gorge Resort in Utah for season 2013 and end out leaving less than two weeks later due to panic attacks - too much was expected with too little training and I could not keep up with it.  And what truly made things worse for me was being turned over to law enforcement and threatened with being tasered and arrested due to not wanting to go to a hospital in Rock Springs, Wyoming with no insurance to my name.  That was indeed scary since as I see it, I did absolutely nothing at all wrong.  That experience ruined isolated resort work for me - I am not comfortable with such a set up going forward and at this point, I am too damned old for that kind of work and to be that isolated.  

Gotta say one thing positive here - I am glad that I did get to see the Dinosaur Museum in Vernal, Utah on my way out of town, and I am glad that I had the chance to spend one day in Salt Lake City at my leisure before flying back to the Valley.  I can even remember flying back and how it was in the 50's in Salt Lake City and then so damned hot in the Valley.  I also remember that I did leave one thing behind at Flaming Gorge Resort - a towel of which I used to cover the window in my room.  A room that I was told would be private and then later I found out that it was not to be private so in effect I was lied to - one reason I don't feel so bad about leaving as I did.  I was able to hide behind my panic attacks as the reason for leaving and given that I was a liability on the property, this worked without a lot of conversation.  I did like the walk across the highway to where I could hear water falling though - that was great.  I don't really have that many memories of the place, though, but then again realistically I was not there for very long.  Less than two weeks it would appear.  I believe the day I returned was May 19th?  It seems as if so long ago now but at the time did I have any other realistic options?  

It seems that what society wants of me is to keep a low profile and keep my mouth shut.  And not cause issues.  Sometimes I can give this and sometimes that really is asking for too much - but given my two arrests I am likely stuck here for better or worse.  And I don't have that which a foreign country would seek from a potential immigrant any more than I have that which would be sought in a relationship in this society.  But I can keep myself clean and quiet and thanks to the Goodwill in Nogales and the cheap shorts and jeans at Wal Mart, I have clothes I can wear that will make me invisible to most.  These days I am not seeking attention like I did when I was younger - now I just want to be left alone as much as possible as I just don't fit into this society and it never really has worked for me.  I take it I am not alone in this these days - look at how many people out there are literally snapping these days.  And one final note before I close up - I really do wish that the library kept longer hours these days - it used to stay open to nine PM a few days a week but now 7 PM is as late as it is open.  Bummer deal - and with the economy in the shape it is in, I don't expect any quick nor radical changes to this.  Bummer.

More later, Rob