Another Tuesday Here At Cholla Branch Library.....

Another Tuesday Here At Cholla Branch Library.....Today I am feeling very lethargic and lazy and unmotivated like a middle-aged sloth.  I would be willing to be that part of it is the mmj.....really I need to take some time off of it to get my brain back.  OTOH I like how my brain moves slower on the anti depressants and mmj.  My mind used to race all the time and I was always stressed out but I could think fast and today I can still think, that's not gone, but I'm not as fast as I used to be.  And it's hard to be motivated, it really is, as I wonder often why am I here and why bother, what's the point and what is in it for me?  

I have been doing some thinking lately and something I am realizing is maybe it's all as it should be.  What I mean is the example of Helen and Bert (Bert now deceased) - they would have no idea what to make of me and they would be throwing judgments my way and I would really resent this.  But now they don't wish to talk to me nor I to them - maybe this one solved itself the best that it possibly could given the givens.  I am so glad they said no when I asked them if I could stay with them - I dodged a bullet right there like you would not believe.  There is no way I could have known that at the time, but boy howdy did I EVER dodge a bullet there.  I am embarrassed a bit that I asked now - but I was so young then and I did not know what I know now.  

I really did not know myself when I was young but part of that was the energy I spent trying to fit in and not stand out in any way - when others were learning social skills and learning about themselves and others, I was alone.  I never did learn these skills others learned and I will likely always have some kind of deficit running due to this.  I can remember coming home every school day around 3 PM and I would have about three hours to myself before Mom came home and that right there was the safest part of my day.  Completely alone - no wonder why I am schizoid - completely alone and for me, that was "normal" and natural.  Anyway, the point I am trying to make here is that when young, very few people wanted anything to do with me.  I still wonder if I truly was lonely or was I knuckling under to social conditioning?  One upside of all of this is that I really don't care what other people think of me these days, I really just do not.  That is growth right there as growing up I DID indeed care what others thought of me.  Today I could probably do the whole thing online and make myself immune from my peers - it would be such a better deal for me than those horrific four years at CBHS.  I can honestly say I learned NOTHING in my four years of high school other than that I am an outcast.  

For me there were no dances, no prom, and football games?  Once at the beginning of my Sophomore Year I biked close to a football game in progress but biked away from it and saw nothing but did hear the band I believe.  And why would I want to go to a dance or the prom or the football games?  High school was a nightmare for me and all I wanted to do was to get my diploma and get out of there.  If I had to do it all over again, I would not have joined the school newspaper, either - that required skills that I just did not have.  And something all these years later that I don't care for - remember how Mrs. Poarch once said about Jody LaBenz - big, good looking senior with a lot going for him - well Mr. Big, good looking Senior with a lot going for him - I remember he said once, "You're such a dud, Bob."  That really hurt right there - I wish I would have given up on people then and there.  

I have posted about this here before, but it still is very much true.  I can remember a one credit class in communication my very first semester at NAU in Spring 1986.  I was tapped as the problem person in a group exercise and that hurt, too.  That really did hurt as it struck me from out of nowhere and made me feel vulnerable.  If could go back in time I would have learned something there - that I would be best off self employed somehow.  And not dealing with people.  It amazes me now to think that I expected to be in business and travel around with frequent flyer cards and hotel frequent guest programs on the road all the time.  Like you never learned to drive, Rob - why would you think you'd be OK to be a road warrior?  I really did not think that much through, did I?  

Something else that really bothers me - remember back in Marlboro that brief period of time between leaving Sandown and moving to Phoenix - I can remember my now deceased Uncle telling me that he wouldn't trust me to drive?  I forget what exactly it was that led to this comment but I'm going to guess it was something in regards to my nerves and/or hyperactivity.  Stoner Tim down the hall from me Spring Semester 1988 said something similar to me.  I really don't care for these types of comments as it was not my fault, the circumstances and realities of my life.  I never really WILL fit in, now will I?  Today at the age of 55 I can accept this but back then Oh Boy did it hurt.  So glad that today I can middle finger salute and not let such stick to me.  

Next month is April.  30 years ago this April I started at Multnomah County, OR - a  job that just did not work out and one in which I received no training whatsoever.  Today I would handle that job so differently - I would have just went to HR and quit, giving an utter lack of training as my  reason.  That's what I should have done then, too, but with all my bad workplace experiences, I just let it slide off my back.  Gotta say I am glad they fired me, that job was so depressing even if the benefits were kick ass.  Then I believe April 8th is 25 years since I started at Denny's in Tusayan.  It does not seem real that 25 years have passed since I started this job - It just does not seem real at all - but it is.  That was such an insane time in my life and towards the end of it I truly was running amok.  I'm glad in a way that I had the experience of running amok - today I am older and have less energy and would not want what I had that time in my life.  

And then April 8th once again I believe is 25 years since I worked for the Squire and that was a nightmare, too.  I had no idea that working for a hotel would be such a nightmare but indeed it was.  I don't miss the Squire one bit nor do I miss Tusayan, either.  I truly would not want to be up there/work there again.  No Thank You!  And let's see, this May 19th I believe it was that I returned to Phoenix after having panic attacks at Flaming Gorge Resort 9 years ago.  This was my last job that involved travel in a seasonal resort setting.  After almost being tasered and arrested as I did not want to go to the hospital in Rock Springs, Wyoming - that completely ruined isolated seasonal resort work for me. 

 And then two years ago, right before things started closing due to the Coronavirus, I applied for a Server position at the North  Rim of the Grand Canyon.  Of all people, Mark Wilburn was the one to encourage me to apply - turns out I am a no-rehire and actually, that does not bother me one bit.  The North Rim is far too isolated for me.  I was given the "not at this time" BS just like Jeff Hunter said to me in 2012 when I applied.  I gather the "not at this time" is corporate BS/euphemism for Not A Chance In Hell.  And realistically, I wouldn't have any chance today anyway.  I would not pass the background check - and I ran into Bill Behrens a few years ago at Costco and he told me that they did background checks I believe in 2014 on all the long termers and I would have not passed and would have been kicked off the mountain.  That would have been humiliating, I am so glad that that never happened.  And then too, things have changed up there as there were several folks who were a good fit for the place but did not have RV's and they did not take these people back.  If that's the case, I would have no chance in hell of getting in again.  So I am chalking that one up to life experience I guess.  

Honestly, that last season at the North Rim really was a nightmare.....I would not want to come back at this time.....I can use those words, too.  Not At This Time. Sitting here at the Cholla Branch, I realize I'd rather be here than isolated way up in Northern Arizona.  No Thank You.  

So, what do I do now?  I DID get the $2500 from Mom and I'm not spending much of it, not at all.  I need to work on the house for real for once.  And get some money for things that I could apply to my credit cards and get those balances down, down, down.  That seems to be my big goal now, just to make some money and get my balances on down.  

One thing I am grateful for is 2nd hand stores and yard sales.  I have indeed had good luck at both yard sales and the Goodwill I love so much in Nogales, Arizona.  I really don't want to buy much at retail stores any more.  They are too pushy and too expensive for me and I don't have my nose up in the air like Paul Lambertsen and John Masciola did.  You know what amazes me, though?  Paul and John had something in common - they get off on the prospect of excluding people.  I remember them both talking of being in charge of a group of people and deciding who got in and who didn't - just like some bitchy high school girls.  

And something else - I discovered on the late Tim McMahon's FB page - he also had a problem with grinding his teeth - I wonder what issues in life HE had.  Something must have been eating away at him given the teeth grinding and the constant use of drugs.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and have made all this gone away from Tim - but alas I am merely a human being and such is not within the scope of what I can realistically do.   And I find it so depressing that Fermin is now dead - I really wish he had gotten his shots - he'd still be alive had he gotten his shots.  I also don't like how the funeral was somewhere I could not access by bus yet people were asking why I was not there - GRRRRRRR!!!!! And then Baldo lying about the naked woman Fermin had brought over to the house - lying and telling me that he was giving it to one of Fermin's sisters at 32nd Street and McDowell.  And then when Fermin's sister Jackie came by, I found out from her that there is no sister at 32nd Street and McDowell.  So why did he lie here?  For what reason, for what purpose?  I think Yesenia had some kind of issue(s) with Baldo, too - I remember her going EWWW Baldo or something along this line.  I wonder what transpired between the two of them?

More later, Rob

Tuesday Again Here At The Cholla Branch Library.....

Tuesday Again Here At The Cholla Branch Library.....and we are making some progress it would seem.  Mom has sold off some stock and should be getting an overnighted check from TD Ameritrade soon with which she can deposit to her account at Navy Federal and next Tuesday, six days from now, we have an appointment at St. Francis Catholic Cemetary to inquire/find out about cemetary plots.  It looks like this Friday I can get loan $ from Mom and then I can buy a computer with this - hopefully something mid-range that is not cheap, will work well, has good storage, and can handle what I have to dish out to it.  We shall see - I know computers are getting more expensive and harder to acquire due to the computer chip shortage so I am hoping for the best.  I did see laptops in stock the last time I went to Best Buy not long ago so hopefully I will have some luck, hopefully.  

I have found an online site called Mercari that seems like something I could list on that would be less of a hassle than Ebay - Ebay does seem to be a nightmare and you need to be very careful there - and only list things that are not heavy.  On Mercari it does seem as if you can have better luck listing things and something else that is cool is that you can list things right from your smartphone which makes listing so much easier as I don't need separate tech to make the listing happen.  I would be so so so glad to get rid of some of my things, believe you me.  I am thinking of opening a checking account at First Convenience Bank at 16th Street and Roosevelt at the Ranch Market I so like where I earn $10 cashback on GetUpside every time I go there to so some shopping.  It turns out that because I am 55 years of age I can get their Power Checking Account for free - one of the few perks I've gotten due to getting older and I have no problem in claiming this perk.  It's a savings of $12 a month and it's close by and I really do like that.  That account could handle Mercari money I believe.  And it would not be hard to access the bank where I'd like to have money sent to - it's right around the corner and walkable in good weather but as soon as the heat amps up - take the damn bus - it's less exhausting in the heat to do so.

Something neat that has happened recently that does give me some measure of hope - last time I went to the Goodwill Outlet in Nogales, I took a duffel bag with me.  This bag was either sold or stolen - just like with my huge blue bin, good thing I caught that when I did, no? - and I said something to the really cool young woman who manages the place and seems to like me - and get this, she replaced it for FREE with a much nicer genuine Pendleton bag - now that was really cool and gives me hope and I do appreciate that.  Next time I go down to Nogales I will just call that cab driver who has the large vehicle and I will just take all my things back to the room at the Siesta Motel in the cheap plastic bags they provide you with.  I can pack everything up in my room and that way I am not making my luggage vulnerable.  Live and learn.  At least I did not lose the huge blue bin and I have that much nicer Pendleton bag as a free replacement for the green duffel bag I've had for some time.  

That Goodwill is amazing - I have gotten such GOOD deals on Mexican blankets - much much much cheaper than they would sell for in Nogales or Algodones.  I have indeed found some incredible deals there on clothes and housewares and I am also happy that the digital scale I bought there works - now that's cool that that works, yes indeed.

So - this decade so far as I have stated before truly has been insane with no let up or break in the insanity.  Covid has caused much change - some of the changes we will likely not know for awhile and then Russia has caused the International Order of things to flip due to it's invasion of Ukraine.  Probably there is no way to know of what kind of changes will be coming down the pike from this crazy and totally insane war.  All those poor Ukrainians - the photos coming out of Ukraine truly do seem horrible and this is the first major war of this caliber since 1945!!!  I really resent  Vladimir Putin for this insane war - but what of the changes his war will bring about? I'm thinking that we won't know all of them until more time passes - but to some degree, our lives and our society will indeed be reset.  

This resetting I mention above?  This does not bother me at all - not really - until I know exactly what resets will be taking place.  For one thing, I have the feeling that my days of international travel are over.  Mom needs someone around to check on her and travel is only going to get more expensive going forward due to the lack of business passengers up front subsidizing the airfares for people like me.  And the world right now does seem more dangerous than it did when I took my last real trip in 2017 to Thailand and SE Asia.  Back then fares were (somewhat) cheap and there were many flight options and borders were essentially open, also.  Boy, things sure have changed, have they not?  

Something interesting recently?  Remember how excited I was to join WaFd bank due to the checking account with the benefits for $6 a month?  Turns out that cell phone insurance typically does not cover prepaid phones such as mine.....and worse than that, I never received my debit card from WaFd and I did wait a ridiculously long time for it - I was told that the Scottsdale branch would make a debit card immediately available to me and when I called this branch to verify, it was like HUH? We Don't Do That.  So I very much feel lied to and that brought out the let's cut this cancer from my life in me - I was able to escalate and get a refund of the $30 I opened the account with - money from the Hope Research Study - with no fees taken out and in cashier's check form.  So there's no real loss involved here Thank God and I am so glad I got out of this bank when I did.  One hand doesn't know what the other is doing and there is entirely too much he said/she said going on.  Just glad to get out and without losing a penny to this shitty bank.  Thank Goodness that's over!  

I am glad to be a member of Navy Federal and also Sunwest Federal Credit Union and by joining First Convenience, I acquire bank access in Nogales, AZ, as this bank has a branch in the Wal Mart there on the north side of town.  So that's all good - cell phone insurance won't work for me with my prepaid plan and Identity Theft Coverage - I guess I did that for myself by freezing my credit with the 3 main credit bureaus.  Thank God I did that and Thank God that Mom is frozen too with the three big credit bureaus.  

It looks like I may be leaving for Nogales on April 10th and staying there likely for three nights.  That's cool - get there on a Sunday and then I have all of Monday and Tuesday for the thrift shop.  And this time I don't need anything big and bulky, SERIOUSLY.  If I hold off on big and bulky I do have a lot of room for summer stuff and the like.  Maybe I'll take a robe down with me and only minimal clothing for as much room and as much simplicity as it possible.  

Right now I wish to focus on saving money and getting rid of debt - I would like to move towards being free of debt.  There really is nothing that I can buy that will make up for what has went wrong in my life - I'm probably best off saving everything I can these days.  Something I CAN be doing upon my return from Nogales?  I can be donating plasma - there is more than one plasma company in the Valley and they all seem to be paying better for plasma these days due to the shortage of plasma I'm guessing.  It is possible now to make $1000 plus in your first month and then you can go on and do the same with other plasma companies - fast way to bank $2000, no?  That sure would be nice to have in savings!!! Nothing I have bought really does make me happy and has not for years.  How about this middle aged wisdom?  Get rid of stuff and get some money for that which you are getting rid of and save it.  Eventually I can be moving said money towards my debt which will just feel so nice to just get rid of and then NEVER AGAIN.  Being in debt is NO WAY to live.

Something I am finding interesting these days?  I can remember when I was growing up and being harrassed by male classmates - I honestly believed that women were safer and better.  Now I know very different and I find it amazing that (straight) men are walking away from women due to all the abuse/BS that women dish out.  I think what tipped me over, personally?  My mother's rich countess friend in Salzburg that would not meet with me due to my telling off Wells Fargo and Mom report carding me to one and all.  That was just too much for me - it's expected to be cordial to crooks and I am made into a socially inappropriate villian (sp?) for calling Wells Fargo for what they are?  NOPE. NEXT.  I do not need such insanity in my life PERIOD.  I'm also glad (in a way) that Astrid and Peter have made themselves unreachable for whatever reason.  I don't have much in common with them and I didn't care for Peter Feltein.  I still can't get over his showing me a pic of the yard in 2003 vs. now and commenting upon it?  I just don't understand this but the source seems to have moved on.  No great tragedy there, I don't fit in with these people anyway - and I don't care for how Astrid dropped her first husband for the "better deal" she's getting with Peter Feltein.  I am so glad that I don't live in Austria - that would just destroy my soul.  

At any rate, to some degree I finally feel some kinship with straight men and what they are expected to tolerate and endure from both women and society.  I never thought I would feel such understanding and compassion for straight men.....And I also feel the same about walking away from gay men.  I think of David Argast, Darren Curtis, John Masciola, and Paul Lambertsen and I'm just like - LEAVE ME ALONE.....I'm much better off alone.  I don't need to drama and stress and agitation of someone in my life in that way.  And it sure seems like I will be getting my wish in life to be left alone.....I'm 55, I live at home, I don't have a car and I don't drive, and I have not worked for years - who in their right mind would want me?  And something else - I remember how when I was young I felt so lonely - was that genuine human need for a social life of some sort or was that just social conditioning?  I'm thinking more and more that social conditioning had something to do with it - being alone just seems so so so much easier to me, it really does.  And I have absolutely no idea at all as to how to make a relationship last.  I never got any of these skills and I'm 55 now - that ship has sailed for sure by now.  

At any rate, I am off for Family Service Agency now.  I have both an office appt and group tonight - OTOH it's annoying as I feel I have been coralled into this, OTOH I have learned a lot about myself from doing research online now that therapy has cut through years of shame.  I can remember as an example how ashamed I was of my 2 arrests and 2 misdemeanors - I can finally speak of this with no cringing as I understand now that the arrests were only a symptom of what was wrong in my life and anger about being marginalized/outcast - that was the real issue but good luck getting anyone without a record to understand this.  But yeah, today I accept that I have PTSD and that I am schizoid. What a relief to be able to be real with myself if no one else!  And here I will sign out and hit the road.

More later, Rob

Beware The Ides of March.....

Beware The Ides Of March.....Forty years ago, once again, 40 YEARS AGO - I was 15 and it was the Spring Semester of my Sophomore year at Camelback HS.  I walked into Lynda Goldsen's English class, I think it was right after lunch (?), and written in chalk on the blackboard was "Beware The Ides Of March", which it turns out was March 15th and Ms. Goldsen said that it wasn't planned - it just worked out that it was March 15th when she wrote this.  I have remembered that all these years and it's cool that I give that day tribute now.  

I think of myself those days - I was so sad and angry and troubled - there was little happiness or joy in my life those days - 1982 was I think the second worst year of my life after 1987 - 1982 was misery, 1987 was insanity challenging me around every turn and corner.  All these years later I find it amazing that both Darrell and Chuck who dropped out of CBHS are no longer with us - I stuck it out until the bitter end and I'm still here and I don't understand as they both had so much more going for them than I did.  And Tim is now gone, too, which I find so hard to believe.  I'm glad our paths crossed and I wish I could have stopped somehow the progression of his disease.  It's like Tucson is no longer the same for me - it used to be a place of hope and possible relocation - now it is expensive and not much of an option.  

It was nice to go down to Nogales last week - I did indeed find good finds at the Nogales Goodwill that I love so much.  Something like 7 pairs of shoes (Thank God as shoes fall apart so fast and are so expensive (!!!)), a new sleeping bag (!!!) and a seemingly new either goose down or fiberfill comforter, in very good shape and almost looking new!  I found other goodies too such as a digital scale for cheap that actually works (!!!) and a DVD player, regular size, that might work.  I did plug it in and it did power up and it said LOADING which is the first step of any DVD playing, so who knows?  It really would be wonderful if that player worked, you know?  I still have the one I won in 2009 I think it was from Gateway Community College - amazing I won as I was not a student there and I won anyway - cheeky of me, no?  

This fighting in the Ukraine - it is so bizarre.  The world has changed due to this - Russia will be a pariah state now and whatever it exported such as oil and nickel and wheat is likely to become much more expensive now.  Things are just skyrocketing in price all over the place and I am so so so glad that that house is paid off!  It's amazing as my life in general has been pretty shitty, but on this one count I am way ahead at the moment.  I wonder how this war in Ukraine will end and if Putin is dislodged from his post, something I very much wish would happen.  Likely Russians will be barred from the US and we will be barred from visiting Russia.  Forget about getting that tourist visa now!  

But something positive is happening these days, too.  I am FINALLY starting to understand that I have PTSD and that I am schizoid and this explains so much of my life - so many of my overreactions and so much of my social isolation.  I wish I did not have to be in my mid 50's to grasp this - I wish I had figured out this stuff on my own 20 or 30 years sooner - but now I am "getting it" and I realize that my schizoid adaptation was a result of the constant insanity I endured growing up and the utter lack of direction and emotional support I was shown growing up.  And then my school years?  Utterly shitty is the only way I can describe then though I do look back and I wonder how I just handled them as I did - in some ways I am strong but it is this strength that lead to my PTSD I believe.  I am grateful for one thing - that I did not die before understanding this.  And something else - given what I endured and the constant denial of so many of my truths - it's a wonder that I did not end out in prison or that I did not end out in an institution of some kind.  And one more thing - Given what I have been through, I am OK today as I am.  What did I expect?  Some Corporate King? Some huge success?  It's enough to be alive and not in immediate trouble.  I just wish online high school had existed back then!  I would have been so glad to do the whole thing online and avoid much of the BS that I endured.  

I can remember Spring Semester of my Freshman Year - after English I would dodge as best I could to Bonehead Math where I sat across from the highly successful Billy Mayfair - and Tom Adelia would try to spit on me from above.  I almost always outdodged him but I can remember one day where his spit landed right there in my hair.  What a prick he was!  I wonder how he ended out in life?  Interesting.....I looked both him and his friend Ron LeMond up on Maricopa County Superior Court's website and can find nothing under criminal history for either of them.  This surprises me a bit as they sure seem like the type that would have such - though I also believe I come across as not likely to have such.  It was alcohol combined with anger at the hand I drew in life - but that cop the day of the check forgery for $10 was wrong - That did not ruin my life.  What ruined my life was the issues that led to that happening in the first place - the forgery and the arrest were just symptoms of what I had endured.  And back there in 1987?  There was no Internet back then and no quickie background checks - I managed to ride this fact into 1992 - next month will be 30 years - yes indeed (!!!) since I began a job with Multnomah County, Oregon in downtown Portland.  That was a strange job as I received no training whatsoever and sank, went down with all flags flying.  Today I would NEVER get that job due to background checks - but if I did I would not stay for the entire six months of probation - I would leave the first week and I would not go back to the office - I'd just call HR and quit and leave it at that.  That is exactly what I should have done in the first place but OMG was I naive back then.  Today I would play it all so differently.

And another job - temp in nature - that really sucked and I still don't understand - working for Sodexho Marriott.  No one told me what I had done wrong and why I was not welcomed back.  I really didn't care for that, I just did not.  One nice thing is that after Covid there is likely to be a lot less business travel and less conventions/trade shows requiring banquet servers in the first place - so less of that work will be available.  I honestly have no desire whatsoever to work a banquet ever again - temp or otherwise.  I don't like how temps are treated and I don't care for how stressful banquet temping can be.  

Yesterday I started to do some things I have been putting off.  Mom and I sold 40K of her shares so that we could buy funeral plots.  Sometime next week I think we will go buying plots.  I also burrowed $150 from Mom to get a mobile hotspot from Cricket and pay for the first month's service, and now I have it on autopay on my Navy Federal Credit Union debit card.  So if it arrives today with overnight delivery I will hopefully have internet access tonight or tomorrow when I open the box.  That would be great as I do need this to start selling things.  And I do want to try my hand at selling things.  And a few things I will price crazy high and hold my breath.....say that Melrose Place jacket for $109?  Something like that just to see what happens. And maybe a few books from my days in Portland that are hard to find for high amounts - we can try, anyway.  And another thing I can be doing is donating plasma which to me is not a bad way to make money as it involves minimal interaction with other people and these days it pays much better than it used to with the shortage of plasma out there - you can make something like $1000 plus your first month and then I guess there is nothing to stop you from going to other plasma places to make their introductory fees.  I believe there are three different plasma companies in Metro Phoenix?  I'd like to hit them all for their introductory amounts and bank this cash away at WaFd.  

Something cool is that I just opened a checking account at WaFd Bank on Camelback Road.  For $6/month I get cell phone insurance, extended warranty protection and Identity Theft Coverage - $6 a month as features of my checking plan.  This is just too cool as I just don't want to deal with credit cards and applying to get one with my low credit score and having these perks as part of a credit card.  I'd much rather do this via a non-credit card option and WaFd came through for me.

So this is of course Tuesday and I have group at 5 PM with Nita of course.  Nita for me is far too pushy with 12 step programs and meetings and I know better than to pop her bubble with the Anti AA rhetoric passing around online - she would totally freak out if I even mentioned that and I realize this now.  But what I have gotten out of this is I understand that I have PTSD and researching that led me to personality disorders and I fit the symptoms of being Schizoid almost like a hand in a glove.  And I remember my time in Portland - I was young and owned a fully paid house and I just wanted to be left alone - I did not search for any romantic partners or sex that whole five years.  And that to me is pretty strong proof of being schizoid, or just a loner to most people.  It's nice that after all these years and all this insanity I finally understand myself - as I really am, not how I'd like to be nor how other people/society would prefer me to be.  And I am OK with how I am.  FINALLY.  That sure was a long, twisted journey, no? And my powers of denial are quite strong, too - something else I am learning about myself.  I am OK.  I just wish I had learned this and understood this years ago.  

Something funky that has happened lately is that I sent Peter and Astrid in Vienna a long email and it bounced back to me.  I told Nita of this and she sent them an email and it also bounced back.  So they didn't block me but I believe they gave up that email to give up on me.  They disappeared me - just like they disappeared Heinz over something stupid - soccer - and just like they disappeared Peter Rubas's Sister Inge, her husband Helmut, and their daughter Julia.  They seem to be OK with dropping and disappearing people of whom they do not approve/do not meet their standards.  Ick - Austria, it really is dark.  And Austrians do seem to see everything in terms of black and white.  I can remember Astrid really perplexed as to why I am not married - why I don't have kids, why I am not more like them?  Peter Feltein had a much easier time maturing and his road was much more comfortably paved than mine was - but I am still expected to produce the same life he has.  Well, whatever.  I doubt I will ever set foot in Austria again - for what reason would I, for what point?  I am never going to fit into that country nor those set of expectations - that's just that is just that is just that.  

I can remember Johannes and Renate in Salzburg and OUCH!  I can see why my Mother is so broken - what horrible people they were in the sense that you had to be just like them or be outcast.  This seems to be an Austrian thing - look how the Countess refused to see me when I was in Salzburg in 2015 - Austrians have no problem with disappearing people.....no one says I have to be part of Austria or be like that, Thank God.  And I don't have to disappear anyone - they did it for me.  In an ironic kind of way I guess I owe them some gratitude.  

I am kind of lucky in a way as a Schizoid.  I am not judgmental (for the most part), I don't need people like most people do, and sex - how do I describe sex - not really of my seeking and not enjoyable for me like it is for most people - I feel nothing and can remember with Darren (who was really into it) feeling disconnected and like Who Is This Person??? The very little bit I have had has not been pleasurable at all and I have the right to just give up on it.  One thing I can say is that my being Schizoid has helped me in a very practical way - it has kept me from becoming HIV positive.  I can remember in October 1985 - that guy who followed me out of Park Central Mall and then followed me to 20th Street and Indian School after I had taken two buses home and thought he was gone - I could have very well become HIV positive had I jumped in his car.  Being Schizoid saved me from this as being schizoid is all about personal safety and that did not feel safe and I am glad that I made that decision and did not jump in that car!!!!!

Something cool here is that I FINALLY opened a new account with Amazon - I needed to do this to cash out from some apps to Amazon gift card credit.  I also FINALLY dealt with my Paypal account and can now access it for Paypal cashouts.  So that's good.  And at the end of June I do have some cashing out I'd very much like to do.  I just need to make whatever money it is as best I can and funnel it to my credit cards and get those balances as low as I can.  I wish I'd never charged the damn cards up but that's a life lesson, is it not?  Cash or do without in the future!  

And OH! Something cool that happened today is that I found a framed gay art print at Bookman's - there to see if there were any new porn DVD's - for just $12.50 plus tax.  It's nice and the frame alone is worth that.  I remember buying that male torso from them a few months back - I am STILL glad that I bought that, truth be told.  Maybe I can't display it but at least I can accept to myself that that is my truth.  And had things worked out differently.....but it is what it is.  I can accept it, what other choice do I have?  I just don't fit in very well any where it would seem.  

But thanks to the Nogales, AZ Goodwill at least I have some affordable and decent clothes and can be quiet and blend in.  And today when I went to the pharmacy I was able to get 30 amitryptaline pills courtesy of AHCCCS - Thank You!  Those pills really help in the sense that they squash my PTSD and help keep me quiet and anonymous.  I don't stand out on these pills and that's probably a good place to be in this crazy society. 

And I paid ACCU $30 today so March's bills are completely up to date!  

More later, Rob

And Tuesday And Cholla Branch Once More.....

And Tuesday And Cholla Branch Once More.....And I don't know what is going to happen now, and I doubt that anyone else really knows at this point, too.  What I am referring to is Putin ordering the Russian military to invade and attack the Ukraine.  Rather similar on the surface to Adolf Hitler overtaking Poland in 1939.  Innocent civilians are being killed and there is a humanitarian crisis going on in the shelled cities with Kiev being vulnerable AF.  Russia has stated that it would open humanitarian corridors so civilians could flee - and then Russia shelled at innocent people trying to flee.  Putin here has broken who knows how many international laws and from what I have read, Russian citizens are also fleeing to Finland and former Baltic states - Georgia, Estonia, Latvia.  Two million Ukrainian refugees have already fled and Europe has another huge refugee crisis on it's hands now.  Completely unreal this all is.  

Against that backdrop, Mom and I are going to Nogales (the US Side only) tomorrow and I have the feeling that that may be my last travel for awhile.  Not only has the world become more dangerous but with inflation and pent up demand travel is predicted to become quite expensive now.  Nogales at the moment is still affordaggvgvble but for how long?  I looked into rooms in Yuma in July for crying out loud and many are OVER $100 and this it is in off season - the heat of Summer is even worse in Yuma than it is here most days.  But it's still expensive anyway.  Things have very much changed.  And in such a short period of time, too.  I have no idea how this is all going to play out but I am of the opinion that things in general are going to get harder, more difficult.  I better enjoy this time in Nogales is all I can say.  Who knows when I can go back again?  And who knows how the future will play out at this point?  I don't count on much as look at how fast things can spiral out of control and look at how much power one lone nutcase such as Putin can have - look at how Putin has destroyed so many lives already. 

How this is going to end is anyone's guess at this point and I'm not even sure Putin knows himself how this is going to end.  It sure is a lot of drama for no sane reason and it sure seems as if the World Order set into place since 1945 - three years after my 80 year old Mother was born - is a thing of the past.  Is it going to be a series of years featuring violent international power grabs?  Could be at this point.  

I am glad to be getting out of town tomorrow.  I really don't care for American Urban Life but I'll take it any day over being in Russia or the Ukraine, that's for sure.  

I am going to log out now, I don't have much else to say at this point.  

More later, Rob

If It's Tuesday This Must Be the Cholla Branch.....

If it's Tuesday This Must Be The Cholla Branch.....and there are so many things that I wanted to get done today but little will be done as I woke up past 10 AM.....that's what amitryptaline will do to you - I just slept straight on through.  I did manage to get my act together to leave today and I did take a shower before I left the house. Now I am sitting here at the Cholla Branch and I am glad that at least I will have some time to work on my private blog.

So - where do I begin?  Things are sure funky these days - FINALLY covid seems to be under some kind of control - and BOOM!!!!! No break from the insanity - now a war has started with Russia invading and attacking the Ukraine.  I don't know how this is going to play out - I really don't - but I do believe we will feel this invasion here in rising energy and food costs, and everything these days is SO expensive to begin with - how much stretch is there in most people's income/budgets?  And I dread of thinking of the possibility of a nuclear war and all the millions of people who would die from such - It's scary because I don't think Putin is playing with a full deck - how itchy are his fingers to touch the button of nuclear war?  Who knows?  Invading the Ukraine was a monster move to make, that much is certain.  

I am thinking these days that what I need to be doing is to save/make whatever I can, and pay off debt/invest/save what I can.  I have been reading of what a nightmare restaurants have become to work in - they were pretty horrible when I worked in them - but that's been nine years now - can you believe it?  Nine years this May 8th that I arrived at Flaming Gorge Resort.  That was one of the strangest short periods of time that I have survived in this business.  I still remember coming home to find that Mom had been given her share of John  Kuo's money, something she discovered right after I returned to the Valley from Utah.  I can still remember that flight and how it was in the 50's in Salt Lake City and how it was in the 90's when I landed and I no longer needed warm long sleeve things to wear.  I remember calling Helen Yam from the airport in Salt Lake City and I remember picking up that Ricky Martin book on clearance at an airport gift shop.  The things that took place at Flaming Gorge - being threatened by the police with almost being tasered and arrested - OMG!  And I didn't do anything at all wrong - nothing. That is so scary and I realistically will never trust police again.  That experience also soured me on working in any isolated resort situation with housing included. NO THANK YOU.  And I also note that at the South Rim, things with Xanterra have changed.  

No longer is rent dirt cheap like it once was - it's now mixed in with a mandatory meal plan that you can not opt out of.....I'll pass, thanks so much.  And I read somewhere that the South Rim now has applicant tracking software, meaning there's much less of a chance of falling through the cracks.  And I really don't care to live in a place like that again, anyhow.  I think that I may try getting a job here in Phoenix in a restaurant once I am better caught up on things.  Though I will say that such a job these days is likely to be a nightmare.  But it's something that I can realistically do - office work is out of the question and I have no desire to work in retail unless it's me listing and selling things online.  

I have so many apps downloaded on my smartphone.  I am going to crank out everything I can with a target date of June 30th to cash out all that I can.  Premise seems to be cutting back, which is sad but there's not much I can do about it other than to cash out earlier than June 30th.  Maybe of my $50.50 I can cash out 40.50 so that my balance is $10 and anything above this amount I can cash out - if I ever get some surveys again - and I've read online of other people complaining re the lack of surveys and the incentive reduction to do these surveys in the first place.....best cash out now while the cashing out is good, no?  

Something that I am realizing these days - it's a good thing that I never learned a health care skill and that this road to a decent living on my own has been blocked off to me.  Now with covid and how crazy health care has become, I am so glad that background checks have ended any possibility of my getting licensed for a health care skill in Arizona.  Also - I am glad now that the Nelsons are no longer in my life - that would be icky now to be on speaking terms with them - they would think of me as a loser and wouldn't understand my living with Mom.  I remember that Colby complained about this Sister living with his parents back during my last visit to New England in December 1987.  I wonder if I knew somehow subconciously (sp?) that that was my last visit to New England, just as I knew in October 2011 that I would not be returning to the North Rim.  And from what I have seen since covid, I am glad that I can no longer work there.  I remember that Robert Pennell, someone who lived for the North Rim, left to be a barista somewhere else.  I also discovered that long termers without an RV were not asked back - and some of the folks such as Kristie Gaydos were great employees and in good standing - and did not get asked back.  Under these conditions of not allowing great employees to return, there is no way period I am getting back in there to work another season.  And with Mom's disability it's better that I stay anyway.  

It's funky that Cardenas Ranch Market is paying $10 for an achievable amount of grocery shopping - that's really cool that I have lucked into this - every now and then things will work and it's cool when it happens.  It's funky that I live so close to Ranch Market that I can take advantage of this.  And it's cool that in Nogales, the Siesta Motel is so close to Churches Chicken - another place that pays cash back on this app and I have been able to take advantage of that, too, Thank God.  

I am glad now that I opened an account at WaFd bank - for $6/month I am getting cell phone insurance, identity theft insurance, buyer's extended warranty and accidental death and dismemberment insurance.  Just for $6 a month.  Remember my last month with ACCU checking and how they charged me $10 a month for nothing extra and I bolted and remember Mom being charged $15 a month at Wells Fargo for absolutely nothing extra?  And she bolted to Navy Federal Credit Union,  Thank God!  I am so glad, so so so glad that she is no longer with Wells Fargo and I am also glad that the branch at 20th and Camelback is now permanently closed.  I am so glad that that evil trash is out of my life!!! WaFd might be a for profit bank but they do seem much less obnoxious than Wells Fargo or any other back that I have run across, unless they have no branches and are online only.   

I really really really dislike loud people at the library like this woman who is interacting with a librarian - she is so loud and completely oblivious to how annoying she is being.  Please sit down and shut up, lady.  Thank God she is now going downstairs and shutting up.  In the old days when I was young she would have been told to shut up or to tone it down - not anymore.  It is amazing to me how much women get away with.  I was so wrong when I was growing up thinking that women were safer than men - they are dangerous but in different ways from men.  

I wish I could just move into this library - it is so so so nice to sit here anonymously and just type away.  As long as I don't cause any issues I will be left alone and there is much to be said for that - it is very sane overall to be left alone.  

So much shopping I have done lately - first was the VNSA booksale where I actually cracked $300 and am glad that the sale was held this year and I seem to have not gotten infected by covid from this sale - I've heard nothing about the VNSA sale being a super spreader event.  And then of course the Goodwill in Nogales, AZ.  And then that yard sale just down the street from me - what good luck I had at this sale and how sane the prices were, yes indeed - they were comparable to Goodwill in Nogales's prices and I am so glad to have found that great condition heavy bedding - this I don't have to squeeze into luggage, either, or deal with any shuttle driver.  All I had to do was to carry the bedding right down the street.  Works for me!  And it also looks like Mom and I will be going to Nogales on March 9th and spending one or two days there, and I don't need bedding nor winter clothes this time. So I can afford to be pickier and I won't just be putting things into my cart because they are cheap.  I can get more specific now - Summer clothing, housewares and perhaps electonics.  

And I do have some great news!  Last night when I was checking out cords and portable DVD players, I was able to find one that actually works and I was able to start it up.  Thank God!  Perhaps with this cord the others that I paid $2 for in Nogales might work?  There are three I bought in Nogales - if even one of them works I am ahead of the curve at this price, no?  But whatever, I do have one portable DVD player that actually works!!!

And I am calling it a day here and will get ready for Group tonight, hopefully it is interesting!  Rob