OK for her friend in Vienna to slip in that nasty comment in regards to my trip to Bangkok in 2017 - and this is a society I really WANT to be part of? For what purpose, for what reason, for what sane gain?
And then that really horrible day in 8th grade, before I set foot at CBHS, in regards to Mom washing her hands of my problems. I remember trying to talk to her and her saying very cruelly to me - Go find yourself a friend. In other words, I don't want to hear it and I am washing my hands of it. Which meant I had to face everything alone and with no help, no support, no one to talk to, and just no one there. All on my own. God that hurt, it really hurt and likely is a big reason I turned out schizoid. This was the only real option available to me to be able to even begin to deal with what was going on in my life.
Those four years were such hell in my life - I did not have any social skills leading into CBHS, nor did I learn social skills during my four years there. And I am talking of basic teamwork and social skills - the kind of skills that had me bounced from being feature editor on the school paper - I only wish I had learned from this that I did not have the skills required and would be best off self employed or working completely alone as much as was/is humanly possible.
Gotta say these days I do best with migrants and recent immigrants as I always have. I don't do well with women and I just had an unpleasant encounter with a lady behind the checkout counter here at Burton Barr pulling power on me over my non-lidded drink cup, when I have been told twice by security here that I could bring it in if I were careful with it. I really dislike how women have to control such petty issues and how ugly interacting with them can be - and this comes from someone who once much preferred dealing with women over men as I had been treated so horribly by boys growing up. Now I feel more afraid of women as a whole and I do try to avoid them as much as is possible. Case in point, recently at Safeway I left a young lady's line to go to the line with the middle aged male cashier. And I am glad I did this as the young woman had a attitude and I did not need to deal with that, not at all. Matter of fact in the future I will be trying to avoid young women as much as possible as they as a group do come across as extremely toxic and entitled.
Looks like my purchase on gevshop.com yesterday was a mistake and that the site is a scam and not legit. Thank God I ordered by Paypal so that I can get a full refund if I receive nothing - I'll give it 30 days and I will wait to see if I hear anything or receive anything. I have the feeling that this is going to be a refund situation - but at least that would be safe, if nothing else. How aggravating!!! Now I have yet another issue in my life to babysit, just what I need. I should have known better!!!
OK I DID call Paypal and it DOES seem as if I can get a full refund if this is a scam and also, my account has been frozen. I will need to unfreeze to buy things to sell on Mercari but I can call and unfreeze and then refreeze and I think this may indeed be for the best. I just need to get an electronic scale and a cheap printer so I can print out address labels on Mercari. And it will be so so so good to get rid of stuff, OMG!!! I have all that stuff from all those years waiting tables - why not just get rid of it all? Seriously, just get rid of it all! It's not doing me any favors nor is it any memorabilia of any happy time in my life. Waiting tables for me was a nightmare and I have to say I am kind of glad that I am getting all these rejections - so different from back in the day when this was done face to face. That was a whole different era and one I fear that will not be returning. But let's give it a month and see if we actually get anything from gevshop. I rather doubt it at this point, but let's see. I did more research and it sure seems as if gevshop indeed is a scam. Thank God that I can get this money back on Paypal! And once I file a fraud claim, there will be no interest on the disputed portion, Thank God! So it's just a waiting game on my end, I guess, but one thing I will say is NEVER AGAIN do I buy something like that online - just NEVER AGAIN.
One thing I will say is that I am leaving for Nogales this coming Tuesday and I am so glad for that. I really do need to get away - my life is like at a total standstill and I don't know how one gets out of this - not after all this time. It will be nice to get my teeth cleaned and to pick up a few meds and it will also be nice to hit the Goodwill - this may be my last trip for awhile so I will try to make the most of it. I will get there as early as I can on Tuesday so that I can hit the Goodwill - good thing I called them yesterday and found out that I can check in at 615 AM so I can drop my things off at the Siesta and then run right down to the Goodwill. Goody. Once I come back I will need to adult up as much as I don't care to, I am going to need to do so anyway, so that I can get rid of things and move on. It will be nice when it is finally done but it won't be like being alone in Portland - I cohabitate with my Mother - who is still a woman - and it's never done with a woman. It can never just be OK or simple or easy or done. You are always waiting for some kind of insane attack of some kind - it can never be the peace I once knew being alone. And being alone is indeed peaceful, and it is indeed addictive. I believe more and more and more that the loneliness I felt in high school was social conditioning more than anything else as being alone to me is second nature. And realistically always has been, as growing up and until I met Tim I was almost always alone anyway - alone was like my natural state.
And there IS one nice thing if gevshop.com is indeed a scam. I don't have to worry about any US CBP hassles. So there's a win in a way right there, yes indeed. So this is not a great crisis, Thank God. And companies like Paypal are used to fraud, anyway, this is not going to be all that big a deal to them. I don't need to worry about them treating me poorly but I will not be buying anything like this again online - LESSON LEARNED.
And here's a positive spin on everything - I want to go back to Guadalajara - that makes so much sense to me as Guadalajara I visited in that free spending travelling period of my life after leaving Portland and it's the place I remember most from this time and it dates back to before I ever waited a table. No w all these years later I find myself once again lost without direction just as I was back in 1996 when I visited there. If nothing else, going to Guadalajara would serve as a bookend in time. What comes after this bookend I have no idea, but it would serve as a bookend in time. And the hotel I stayed at is still there - under different ownership, but still there, and a tiny bit cheaper than the price I paid back in 1996, if such can be believed.
I am glad that Abi is our tenant these days - he is a decent guy and I do believe he likes me and is happy here. And that is enough for me - shame on me for questioning and wondering - I am going through life ALONE. That is truly the best choice for me - and those are the cards I have drawn, for better or worse.
Just looked at the weather forecast for Nogales, Arizona starting on Tuesday and it would seem as if there is a decent chance for rain. Good. This monsoon so far has been nothing like last year's very showy and productive one - so far it's been a few storms and a little rain so it's not as bad as Summer 2000, but to date it's been nothing great, either. And recently I clicked on weather history for Phoenix NOAA and saw the storms of 1999 when I was working at Red Devil and the bartender Diane was making fun of me - One thing I will say is that I actually feel complimented that Red Devil fired me, I really did. I remember when I walked over there one shift to find out that I had been fired and I was not even upset as I did not like that place anyway and I was not offended that they fired me. It really was a shitty place and they treated their help horribly. I still can't believe it's been 23 years now since that year - I remember I was going to take Phoenix food and beverage by storm and now I am like WTF was I thinking?
I don't miss waiting tables, I really don't. That time was not a total waster in the sense that at least because I waited tables all those years I do qualify for a small SS check - very small - and I do qualify for Medicaid at 65. Those are two perks I do appreciate from those crazy years - but I lasted longer doing this than likely I would have lasted doing anything else. So at least there's that. But it does seem now as if the business has just shoved me aside, though part of that I suspect is the online app thing. I can remember going in person, dressing up a bit, turning on some charm, and getting jobs - it used to be so much easier than it is now. I honestly believe that I may never work for someone else again - jobs that I could once get are just passing me by these days. Even that cocktail serving job at Cambria is a no-go - received the rejection email today. At this point, I expect any job I apply for to send me a rejection email - I am just not hip to this new way of doing things, and I am too old and I test positive for THC and I can't pass a background check. I have so many red flags it's like May 1st in Red Square in Moscow pre-collapse of the Soviet Union. \
I find it amazing that many of the jobs I once held I can no longer obtain due to background checks. No way can I do retail, or county government (given all the changes since 9/11, is it even possible to believe that I once worked for local government?) - I can't even get a work study job these days - though my college days are long behind me. I could not get a temp job as I learned in 2000 with Kelly Services, and I can't pass the background check that the North Rim would do on me (if I indeed had rehire status, which I don't). My point here is that many of the jobs I once held I could not get these days, for better or worse. That's just how it is now.
I can still donate plasma if they will let me, I can still do medical research. I can list on Mercari and I can do surveys. I can still do some mystery shopping, too, though that's pretty much on it's way to the dust bin of history is my guess. Matter of fact I just read a thread on mysteryshopforum.com regarding mystery shopping not being what it used to be and from what I am seeing, I would agree with this. With inflation so high, it's just not cool that MSC's are trying to pay LESS now - they are not going to get good shops if this is the case, that's for sure. I am glad that I snagged that $40 shop - but I am also of the opinion that that might be it for some time. And I am not on good terms with so many of the MSC's - Interestingly enough I am on good terms with Intellishop, a company that is reputed to be ultra picky. And I think that's it. I'm not even on good terms with Kern these days. Whatever - it's not worth my while to run around town on the bus for so little money, it really is not. I would be better off doing a very short term medical research study or selling on Mercari. But I do miss some of the shops I once did - the Medicare shops were great, and I miss some of the banking shops also. I miss the few times I have gotten some kind of perk out of it, and my best perk? Membership in Navy Federal Credit Union, and then also getting Mom out of Wells Fargo and into Navy Federal, Thank God. I am so glad her old branch on 20th and Camelback closed last May I believe it was and is now a Nationwide Vision - you'd never know it was a Wells Fargo before and I am so so so glad to see them gone. I just wish they would get bought out and go away forever!
I don't see myself doing many shops in the future as the money is not there and the shops themselves really are not there, either. It is a business that seems to be fading away. Definitely one that is changing. And not for the better. I miss my Robert Taylor shops and my shops of the Arizona Humane Society Thrift Shop, though bummer deal? The thrift shop I used to shop up at 9th and Hatcher is now closed. That is a bummer, indeed. And I miss shopping shoe stores, too, except for that unpleasant experience at Broadway shoes some time ago, I think right after I returned from Thailand in 2017. And something else funky? Next month is ten years since I was forced to report to Arizona Department of Economic Security for the job seekers class. Ten years! Amazing! And since then I have only held one job in Utah very briefly and also I did a few banquet shifts for Party Staff. They must really be hurting these days after the huge covid hit! I was really turned off working there after having dealt with Courtney some years ago and I don't have the upper body strength I once had, something that became rapidly apparent to me when I did a banquet shift years ago at the Downtown Sheraton. Best that I avoid that line of work, yes indeed.
I don't know what there can be for me in the future, I really don't. I wish I had grasped that when I left Utah, I left food and beverage, for better or worse. And after being threatened with being tased and arrested when I had done absolutely nothing wrong, I really was best served by fleeing, which I did. Not the ending I was expecting, no, but it is how things turned out. One nice thing I will say - I am GLAD I was able to visit that dinosaur museum on my way out of town - now that was cool. And even Vernal was bizarre - remember that hotel employee who entered my room without knocking? That was icky to say the least! It was nice though to pass through Utah and it was nice to see Salt Lake City - I really DID like it, especially the library downtown. Beautiful mountain views from there.
If I'm not going to be working, maybe I can be creating some kind of channel on Youtube, or do some kind of podcast? What do I know anything about?
It really is about being kicked to the curb, isn't it? I don't know what there can be in the future to occupy my time and do something constructive as even to volunteer you will be background checked these days. The last time I remember feeling truly a bit human was at the set aside clinic I went to at the Burton Barr Branch Library here a few weeks ago. That was cool as people were trying to help those who had made mistakes and all were treated kindly and respectfully. It was amazing in the sense that I was discussing that which to me was once such a source of shame and humiliation - and I was treated humanely regardless. That was nice and I did appreciate that, but I can't think of any other situations that I might qualify for in which I might be treated that way. And there is no expungment in Arizona - something that very much sucks.
Hey I found Stand By Your Manhood here at the public library - going to go downstairs and get a new card and check it out. Also glad I was able to get here and drop off four more books! I will continue to do so for sure! Until we are even Steven once more.
Anyway, more later, Rob
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