32.5 Years Ago Today.....I was in the bathroom here at the Cholla Branch Library a bit ago and did some math in my head and realized that today is 32.5 years ago from February 1st, 1990 - the day I was released from probation early. 32 and 1/2 years! Amazing that so much time has come and gone and also amazing that my two misdemeanors will follow me to my grave - very disillusioned this makes me with society as the real reason behind the misdemeanors taking place in the first place remains unaddressed. 32.5 years!!!!!
At any rate, I am wondering now if Mom did me a favor washing her hands of me as she did way back in 1980 when I was in 8th grade and needed someone to talk to - in a sanitized way - as things were just a nightmare for me at school. And she said to me five words that really changed my life trajectory - Go Find Yourself A Friend. In other words, don't take your problems to me, this is not how it works here and this is not welcome. You are on your own. And this happened right before the intense and inescapable social isolation and marginalization I experienced my four years at CBHS. At a time when others were learning basic social skills, I was completely alone and all by myself. Just keeping my mouth shut and my head down and hurting, hurting really bad. I believe it was this washing herself of my problems as she did that flipped the switch into my becoming schizoid - the causes are taught to be one parent with schizophrenia (that would be my Father) and one parent with no emotional nurturing (that would be my Mother). I realize now that before this conversation, hormones were kicking in and I was finding satin and men wearing satin attractive - once this convo took place, that all ended and sex - self sex mostly - has never been the same again. I didn't know the word for it at the time, but now I know I have sexual anhedonia - the inability to feel any pleasure in sexual relations. Pretty much makes even trying to date a complete and total waste of time, that's for sure.
But now, all these years later as I am coming to realize these things and I have overcome the female given guilt and shame of my two arrests and two misdemeanors - I am now wondering if Mom did not do me a favor in a weird and depressing way. I look at how crazy people and society are in general now - and Thank God for Mgtow internet content that started this journey of self discovery and self realization - and I wonder if I would even want to be in a relationship these days. It's not just someone I'd be with but I'd have to deal with and impress their friends and family, too, and I am really not up to that these days. No Thank You.
And about work - the only reason I stuck with waiting tables for so long is that you could be someone that did not have their act together especially well and as long as you could maintain on the floor and not cause issues/guest complaints, you could remain on the payroll. So I stuck with it, even though it lead me nowhere. Turns out that my years waiting tables have not been a total waste - I did accrue enough time working to earn a small SS Check at the age of 62, more if I hold off on claiming it - and I also have enough work credits to be eligible for Medicare, believe it or not. So waiting tables was not a total loss as I did qualify for these two perks - especially the valuable Medicare, something I am so grateful for. So, once again, my point is that waiting tables all these years later HAS shown to have some perks. Would I want to do it again? HELL NO!!!!
I am thinking that it may be for the best to come to terms with my schizoid adaptation(s) and be grateful for it. I don't need people or approval like others do - I can go long periods of time without human interaction and I don't really care about sex. Once again, given how crazy society, people, and the world in general are, I wonder if being a schizoid really is all that bad of a thing? Really? At least there can be cats such as the wonderful one we had the luck of running across courtesy Josephine wanting us to feed the cats years back. And the new tenant seems to like me and I think this is nice. Just really nice.
I also believe that God has a sense of humor. I really do as I have been wondering for some time now if Abi, our new Honduran tenant, is gay. I seem to get hints here and there and here and there but never anything concrete and I just give up. I am sexually frigid and incapable of any kind of intimate relationship anyway. Why would I care on which side his bread is buttered, anyway, given the above (unfortunate?) reality? Just like when I ran across Gilberto I think it was late August/early September 2019 - the last time I saw him, before all the craziness of this new decade - I thought to myself, God has a sense of humor, this is why our paths are crossing.
God, all those years waiting tables. It's amazing to me now that I lasted as long as I did serving. I still believe I did the right thing in giving up on the business after the panic attacks at Flaming Gorge Resort in Utah back in 2013. I really wish I had not lost it but there was an entry from the morning of the day I had the panic attacks on blogger.com but I no longer know the user name and password of that account. But WOW! How interesting it would be to go back and see it now, along with my entries from the end of my time at the Radisson and the end of my time at the El Tovar. I really did stay too long in the business and it also is a business that I am not well suited for personality-wise - but somehow I made it work the best I could for a number of years.
I am really liking our new tenant, I really am. Nothing has to happen between us, matter of fact it's for the best, I'm certain of it, that nothing does. It's nice to get texts once in awhile and it's nice to get a smile or two and a kind word or two in a world like this. I'm sure that he's glad he's found this safe place - who knows what he has gone through to get to this place? And I really appreciate Vanessa in Nogales stating that it feels good to see me happy. Amazing to me that someone out there has actually noticed whether or not I am happy - amazing. This is not something I am used to or would ever expect from another human being at this point, given my life experience(s) to date. Gotta say that was nice, though. Good to have these folks in my life on the sidelines.
Something that I have realized is that the gay scene is extremely toxic and that I don't fit into it at all, I really don't. At this point I am not even going to try, what's the point given that men are such sexual driven creatures and that I am sexually unresponsive/frigid? Even if it were not for that, it's still a toxic scene and one that I am indeed glad that I have aged out of. I think of John Masciola and I am relieved now that nothing ever happened between us and that he kicked me to the curb back in February of 2013 after I returned from my second trip to Austin around that time. We would have never gotten along - he would have kicked me to the curb when he realized that I don't drive and I would have had to deal with his kids, his ex-wife, and the gay scene - far too much for me to take on out of nowhere given that I am both introverted and schizoid. It ended for the best and I was a fool, a true fool, for attempting to reestablish contact. I would not do such today, knowing what I know now. And Paul Lambertsen - though I am not completely innocent on this one, I really don't like who and how he became upon moving back to the city. I don't care for how entitled and how childish he is/was, and also how judgmental. I am grateful that he is in Salt Lake City now and that our paths are unlikely to cross these days.
Just got a text from Abi and it's nice as I feel slightly less alone in the world now - turns out he appreciates quiet, peaceful places, too. Imagine sharing that in common with another human being?!? I can remember John Masciola and his comment about being at the bar to relax with his friends - a bar is the last place I'd go to relax, truth be told. And I remember Paul Lambertsen judging me for not being part of the scene, for not doing the bars, and for going to the library at the Grand Canyon when we first met way back in June of 2004. It's nice that someone else out there likes quiet and peace.
Anyhow, neither John nor Paul would understand that I am debating that I'm lucky perhaps to be schizoid - this is a life that neither of them would care to have nor be able to handle, but to me it comes as natural as my need to breathe air to stay alive. Furthermore, I am grateful that FINALLY, at the age of 55, I am understanding that I am not a monster and that I am not insane. There are valid reasons that my life has turned out the way it has and I am not a loser - though to society I sure look like one - something that also perhaps works for me via screening people out of my life that require success by society's standards. I will never have a standard life - at this point I would not want one. And I am ever so grateful that 37 years ago when I wrote Helen and Bert to ask if I could stay with them they said no. That would have been a disaster. I am glad not that it did not come to pass. And I also believe the fact that we no longer talk is for the best, too - they would have no idea what to make of me and how my life has turned out and likely would not want much to do with me if anything. And there sure would be judgement. I remember Colby judging his sister for living with his parents longer than he deemed appropriate. It's for the best here that things worked out the way they did.
And something else? To Mr. Mark Fong - Thank You. Thank You for making it abundantly clear that I don't have the skills to meet anyone and for me, it's best to give up and expand this energy elsewhere. I am glad for what it's worth that I found out online that he has found housing (he was featured in the New York Times I believe it was in an article regarding Senior Homelessness). I wish him well and though it's not joyous what I learned from him - it is cold blooded reality and it is how things truly are. Thank You for helping me to this place where I understand this.
And about Alex from Aarco? Yesterday he wanted to meet with me and I texted him that I let the MMJ card lapse - is this any great surprise? Only Oh no in response and nothing else and no meeting. Point? He didn't care about me, only the money that I could save him with the MMJ card. I knew this already but it is a bit depressing to have it in my face like this. Whatever. It is what it is what it is.
Something funky - recently I googled Chris Morchak from my days at Denny's 25 years ago - can you believe that was 25 years ago now??? - turns out he passed on in 2017, I don't know from what. And William, that prick from the El Tovar? Passed earlier this year, I don't know from what but he's no longer with us, either. I'm glad I am done with the El Tovar for what it's worth - it worked for me in 2004 but in 2008/2009? Nope. And I can only imagine how much worse it must have gotten since then! Especially with the housing shortage. No Thank You.
25 years ago. I was 30 and waiting tables at the Denny's in Tusayan, Arizona, right outside the Grand Canyon National Park. What a crazy season that was - I don't recognize today who and how I became towards the end of that season but I am glad that they fired me when they did. Who knows how bad things would be become if they had not?
And I wonder whatever happened to Tim Keenan, someone of whom I suspect was also a schizoid.....interesting that he was fired from the El Tovar back in 2003, a year before I worked the lounge there - can you imagine how bizarre it would have been to work with him again? Alas, it was not to be and perhaps was for the best, anyway. But I wonder whatever happened to him? Did he move in with family, end out homeless, find another park? Is he still with us, did he get his drug addiction under some kind of control? I remember him right now from the Summer of 1998 when I was working at the Squire - I walked up to the employee van and he had obviously been doing drugs recently as he was going off and making up BS stories that had no bearing on reality. I remember Yvonne asking me to talk to him about the drug use - she knew and why wouldn't she? It was so obvious. And I don't miss the Squire one bit and I don't miss Tusayan one bit, either. The idea of going back there makes me want to vomit truth be told.
Tusayan was such a strange and depressing and dark place. I will say one thing, though. I don't believe Debbie Serpas is in charge of Tinkerville anymore as Air B and B's have moved into Sage Valley Mobile Home Park which means insurance and expectations of middle class and above guests. Translation - the place is likely cleaned up and if not drug free, much more so than it was when I was there. I don't know that this has improved the place, though it's likely more peaceful than it was before. And likely screenings for those setting foot there, too. I can still remember Cindy from my days there - what a crazy chick she was and what a crazy time and place that was. I am glad that I did not go back to Denny's after Cheryl and Debbie had talked about it when I first returned to Tusayan in 1998. And Lord, I remember showing up at Denny's when I first returned to town. That was a trip and a half. I also remember the end of my season there with Denny's closing up and those who passed the drug test (Weldon bombed it and he had just bought one of Debbie's trailers!) being offered jobs in the park. I don't miss my time there though it was indeed one hell of a season.
More later, Rob
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