So Here I am at the Age of 55

So here I am at the age of 55.  So much of my life has just been totally insane.  I can remember the trauma of my first arrest in August 1987 - so long ago and far away but due to databases and background checks - the latter of which did not exist in 1987, and how could I have known such was coming ?  I remember the two men who showed up at the apartment on 20th Street asking who I was and then telling me I was under arrest.  I was stunned, I  really was.  And the officers that came originally not long before - one of them telling me that I had just ruined my life.  No, that arrest did not ruin my life per se - it was merely a symptom of insanity I had been dealing with for years.

What really DID ruin my life was not this traumatic experience with law enforcement - what ruined my life starting way back in Sandown, New Hampshire, where I realize now my Father had a well deserved reputation as having a few screws loose - no one wanted to have anything to do with me - parents wanted their kids to have nothing to do with me.  And so I never learned social skills.  I wish I would have known this and understood this way back then.  The first indication that there would be problems was how the other kids treated me the brief period of time I was in 5th grade in Marlboro, Massachusetts.  I believe I was enrolled in school there only to have me babysat and out of the Nelson's house.  I remember being teased and treated like (expletive).  This was a preview of what was coming for me when we moved to Phoenix.  It was a nightmare as I was so starved for attention and acted up in class.  I cringe now at the fact I did that, but I was so young then and I did not understand anything about life then.  I was bullied, teased, and excluded from learning social skills.  I remember blaming Phoenix as it was so nasty in the Summer and there was no snow and I truly disliked living in a big city.  But what happened to me would have happened anywhere - I did not understand this then but I do now.  

And in high school?  I did not further my social skills - I had little to no chance to do so.  What I did was turn inward and keep my head down and I tried to look like everyone else.  I did get through it which is something I can't say for Darrell and Chuck - both deceased now.  Darrel in 2011 and Chuck in 2016.  I just kept my head down and did not really stand up for myself and hence the school all those four years never called my Mother in for a conference of any kind.  I was so alone and afraid those days - it seemed that everyone had friends and was having fun and there I was as an outcast.  Years of this really took it's toll on me and at the age of 46 - years later, I had a nervous breakdown in rural redneck Utah of all places. But my point here?  The police officer on that day so long ago - he was wrong.  What ruined my life was starting out in the situation I was in with my Father being a schizophrenic drunk - and my Mother being drunk half the time.  I never really received any guidance - just shame and guilt when I acted up in school and brought home bad grades in Behavior.  I also never received any protection back then.  No wonder I turned inward.  Outwards there was very little for me. There was never any encouragement - just shame and guilt.  No one thought about me and what I needed, what I felt.  It was always my Father being drunk and my Mother not giving me what I needed.  That was the foundation/base of my life.  No wonder I turned inward - as I said above, in my youth there were few positive experiences and a lot of loneliness.  

Seriously - I feel a bit like the boy in the glass bubble.  Or that a wall was between me and other people/the world.  When I moved on to college, I had problems with people too - I just wish I had understood what was going on back then so I would not have been so hurt.  The only roommate I ever had that actually worked for me was Tim McMahon, and he passed last year on August 3rd due to drug addiction.  Remember the first roommate I had in NAU way back in January 1986?  36 years ago now, I really can't begin to believe so much time has passed since then but it has.  Anyway, I don't even remember their names now but my roommate wanted me gone so he could room with his friend.  What an introduction to NAU!

Something happened my first semester at NAU all those years ago - I wish I would have understood the significance of this situation back then but I was young and jeepers, so naive back then.  I was in a one credit mini course about Communication, and we were divided into groups and given paper pieces of a puzzle to put together.  Everyone was moving their pieces along but me - and the "problem" person in each group was tapped.  Those tapped had to leave the group and were deemed the "problem" person.  That was really painful as it came out of the blue - just apropos of nothing.  What I should have learned there is that indeed I was lacking in social skills and that I would probably be best off self employed - seriously.  I only wish I understood this back then!  I was so programmed to go to Colllege and become successful  Due to the arrest I noted above, and another 7 months later during my Spring Break 1988 - I can't even get a job setting up low income people with free phones.  When I received a free phone and a cheapie tablet last week I noticed something written on the table stating that they were hiring but you had to have a clean criminal record - just to hook up low income folks with free phones!  Utterly insane.  So many doors are slammed shut to me with my two misdemeanors, my lack of social skills, my age, and the fact that I have not worked in years.  

Something I do appreciate regarding all this therapy is that I finally understand that I have PTSD from everything that has happened to me in the past.  I, on my own, went further with my understanding that I am a schizoid - not  schizophrenic like my Father was - just a loner is all.  A loner with anhedonia (sp?) - an inability to take pleasure in things that most people can.  I've been this way for years.  Honestly, the last time I was ever exited about anything was in 2008 when I won a DVD player from Gateway Community College - I remember being so up and almost manic about it.  Since then, no such excitement.  This lack of pleasure extends to sex, too, something I find relief in and something I find very depressing, too.  I seem to be immune to what is said to be one of the driving forces of human beings.  And I think I can trace back to where this began.

"Go find yourself a friend" - my Mother said this to me very cuttingly I believe when I was still in 8th grade and i believe this was the  start of my turning inward and the start of disappointing orgasms.  Apparently, once you start schizoid adaptations (something I had to do to stay sane, truly) the prognosis is poor as to recovering from them.  

I look at myself and my past behaviors from this viewpoint of being middle aged and I begin to understand why I am the way I am.  I can recall being in my room at Bury Hall when Fall Semester 1987 started.  I was alone in the room and some guys were knocking on the door and kept knocking and knocking and I refused to answer - I hid myself and had no desire to meet anyone.  See - that's my adaptation right there.  Self imposed social withdrawal.  And look at myself in Portland at the age of 25 - I had a house fully paid off, money left and I was young and whatever looks I had were likely at their peak.  Did I try to find anyone? No.  And per society's standards, that's the most attractive and desirable I ever was.  And I did not use it to find anyone.  

Portland was over a quarter century ago - matter of fact, my leaving Portland was 25 years ago.  This April will be 25 years that I started waiting tables at Denny's - who was that person back then?  God I didn't know anything about life that I do now.  And here I am at the age of 55 with no real skills and the understanding that I am undatable - I do not have that which others would seek these days.  I can remember back in 2011 how naive I was about relationships and I did not understand back then that I would be considered a loser by society.  I remember  being in touch with some guy in San Antonio and thinking that I would be moving there - Rob, duh, like really.  That guy just wanted to get laid - that was it, no more.  I understand that I am a train wreck and have been one for years - it's taken me entirely too long to grasp this, but FINALLY I have.  

Something I wonder is that is the desperate loneliness I felt when I was young - was it real or was it social conditioning?  Alone has always felt so safe to me - still to this day.  And I can understand that as when I would walk home from high school, I would have two to three hours alone in that small apartment and that was the safest time of the day for me.  I can remember this from 40 (gasp) years ago - I was a second semester sophomore and utterly miserable what with Lyle living under the same roof and Darrell right next door.  There was no support, no guidance, no kind words, nothing.  I did have clothes and food and a clean play to stay, true - but emotionally I had nothing.  And it  really hurt though I kept my mouth shut back then and bluffed through the motions as best I could.  

So we come to me here today at the Cholla Branch Library and it's pretty cool!  This is a place I can come to before any appointments at Family Service Agency.  No one will hassle me here and I can be alone and at peace.  Honestly, I just seem to fail at so many things I have attempted, though I have learned a bit along the way from these failures.  This April will be 30 (gasp) years since that office job at Multnomah County in downtown Portland. I was so naive back then, I did not understand what was going on.  Today if I were in that situation I would have left when I realized that there was no training for me - I would have ghosted or perhaps told the truth and said that due to a lack of training, I would need to move on as they would not be keeping me on anyway.  And I really did dislike that job.  Great benefits but no training so the benefits mean nothing.  And remember all the retail jobs I had?  What misery those jobs were - I am so grateful I have up on retail and hey, that's 31 years ago now.  I don't really miss Portland, anyway.  And something creep about Portland.  Recently I read about a quadruple homicide in SE Portland and so I looked to see where it was. Of all the streets it could have been in SE Portland - it was on MY street, SE Boise Street, the one I lived on, just a few blocks away from the house in SE Portland. Ultra creepy.  And the cost of living there combined with all the protesting.  And it's too far away from the Mexican border for my taste.  And I really disliked my neighbors there, the Baffaros, Joe and Jan.  

I (basically) accept that I will be going through this life alone, for better or worse.  I have too many red flags and dealbreakers and I have enough baggage to sink the Titanic.  I don't think I'd date someone like myself, either.  Then I look at society and what is expected of me with no sane foundation and no meaning - and I'm like why did I not understand and accept this sooner?  Especially my being a leper due to my two arrests and two misdemeanors on my record.  Better that I am alone and safe.  And one thing I did learn with my attempt at a relationship back in 1998 with Darren - I didn't know jack about myself back then - I had more issues than he did, and a really really really strong lack of trust.  I didn't grasp this then - it was enough to hold down a FT job and be self supportive.  But I do have a really hard time trusting people - given my background and how I fell thought the cracks and how I've been judged so hard and so often, with no one factoring in my trauma - why WOULD I be trusting of people when you get right down to it?  I've managed to read a little between the lines from what I could discover online and I believe that when Gene died, Darren probably inherited some money - that's likely how he was able to move to Minneapolis - a city that was once on my radar but no more, not after the Chauvin incident and so many other Minneapolis PD issues.  No Thank You!!!

I remember running wild the Fall of '97 and I have to ask - who WAS that person?  I'm older now and would not do such now.  And it has been some time - remember Donnie Booth who worked at Quality back then?  He now has three sons - not sure how this took place - and he looks older now, too, and I am going to guess he's clean these days.  Good for him!!! I wonder whatever happened to Tim Keenan - my backstabbly roommate 25 years ago - apparently he got caught stealing money on employee meals somehow and was fired in 2003, a year before I worked at the El Tovar lounge.  Gotta say it would have been funky to work with him again, even if he were in the dining room and I were in the lounge.  I just hope he didn't do anything drastic - I'll guess he took the shuttle out of town as I did but then to where?  I still remember leaving the Grand Canyon in that shuttle when I was fired, turning around to get one last look at the El Tovar.  I'm glad I was fired, truth be told - it was a miserable place to work and I understand that they are charging a LOT more for rent now and you HAVE to take their meal plan, even if your schedule does not permit you to use it.  And no more cooking in the rooms - ick.  I can still remember going back to visit in 2018 and how bizarre it was to sit at Maswick and to show my face at the GC Library - places that had no real meaning or impact to me as I was no longer there and was just passing through.  I miss the climate and a few decent souls,  I miss the trees.  That's about it.  Funny now I realize that Flagstaff has nothing for me - it's expensive and I've aged out of it - Nogales, Arizona is on my radar now.  

About Nogales being on my radar - I never would have thought such a place would be on my radar but it has that which works for me.  It's small, it's safe, it's quirky.  I get the feeling that there are some interesting individuals living there, such as that guy from Goodwill who was standing behind me in line and that I talked to at the bus stop later.  Such as that guy who drives a cab in Nogales, AZ and lives in Mexico.  Such as the woman who drove the cab on my second to last visit who told me she was working under the table and was on disability and that many people in Nogales WERE on disability.  At least such people are not after the moon and the stars.  

Fermin, our tenant, and Yesenia, his girlfriend, both caught covid.  She is better and is back to work testing negative....Fermin on the other hand is on oxegen at St.  Joes.  I don't know how this is going to turn out, I just wish he had gotten his damned shots!!! I hope he does not die, that would be tragic in my book, especially given that he has kids, three kids, all of whom are under 18.  I have prayed and will continue to do so - I just want him better and out of the hospital!!! Who knows what's going to happen, though?  I can only pray and hope for the best.  

Back to me not being willing to date myself if I could - I don't know how to date, I don't take any pleasure in sex, and I have no idea of how to keep a relationship going.  Given that I am 55 years of age, and that I should have learned these skills long ago - and that anyone out there would expect me to know these skills by my age - it's best that I don't cry over something that will likely not happen.  I'm not the only one out there is this boat and I believe something I read recently online sums it up completely - I feel as if I'm playing a game that I was not given the rules to.  Definitely.  And the gay men that I have met to date - nothing to get excited about.  I'd rather be around cool straight people truth be told.  I look at John Masciola - ick.  And Paul Lambertsen - ick.  Butcha know, they both gave me life lessons and made it clear that I don't belong in mainstream gay culture - it's too much drama and up and down.  Something that really bummed me out was being told at Charlie's years ago that some guy had been coming every night for ten years - Lord, I find that depressing and then some.  I am just someone who is best off alone, and what little I can do I can do - such as giving Fermin and Yesenia a free month at the guesthouse.  I can be kind to the few people who talk to me, I can do nice things like giving Juan's son the antibiotic pills I picked up in Mexico for his infection, I can be kind to the cat.  I can do a few kind things here and there and keep a low profile.  But a relationship - honestly, I don't have the skills and I'm not going to learn them at this late date.  The sooner I can accept this as my fate, likely the better chance I have of ever being content.  I'm no longer seeking happiness - being content with my lot is good enough.  

At any rate, I will close for now and will send an email to Astrid and Peter as I said I would.  

More later, Rob