Here I Am Again At Burton Barr Branch Library.....and I am doing something constructive here and I am happy about that. At 4 PM there is a legal clinic downstairs in the Pullman Auditorium that will help you file for a set aside and as I understand, one of my two misdemeanors has not been set aside. What this will realistically do for me I don't know - but it costs nothing and it IS what little I can do about my past in this state. I might as well do it as it costs nothing. And it gets me out of the house and away from Mom and her priorities and her need for everything to be perfect and her need to report card and disrespect anyone who does not meet her standards. So that much is positive, yes.
Yesterday I had a 3 PM appointment with Nita and we seem to be coming to the end of the trauma therapy Thank God. Now she wants to replace it with this Introvert packet and I do believe she is trying to help but there is also a billing component involved - but these appointments do get me out of the house so I am not in the mood these days to complain about it as I used to be. Nita was not there last night for group and Thankfully, I found this out from Nita herself and I left before group started - I just was not in the mood to have the 12 steps spin-cycled to me again like the last time such happened. And I strongly feel that most if not all of the other attendees would agree with me on this one. Just had my fill of 12 step pressure. So I did get home earlier yesterday and it truly WAS nice to not be out on 27th Avenue after dark, believe you me. I wonder if I am going to hear about this or not - it is mid afternoon the day after and as of this moment, I have not heard about it, Thank God.
So - whether I like it or not, I need to get the house done and I am really dreading it. It's that same everything needs to look nice but what really is going on means nothing, it's all about how things look. I can't stand this about my Mother and I never really could. It is so soul destroying and what's more, she can report card me and people will tend to take her side and no one - given that I am male - is interested in my side of the story. Good Lord, what DO straight men do to not go completely insane? Though I will say from what little interaction I have had, gay men are just as bad this way - so many seem to have the very worst traits of women wrapped up in their personality. I can remember a post on FB of Paul Lambertsen's when he was talking of changes in his life and his house I believe he grew up in - and all he mentioned was the women in the house, not the men who were working and paying to keep things afloat and paid. Typical. It's a good thing that I am single and am in the process of accepting that yes indeed, these are the cards I was dealt in life. And relationships today? No way am I stepping into that rapidly whorling propeller blade. No Thank You. Right now I am looking back at 1986 - 36 years ago now - and I was 19 and Jessica and I had a fallout without really having a fallout - and I remember how incredibly hurt I was. Just so so so hurt. I can't see myself ever having that level of feeling today - I have been so numb for so long that it's like my normal now. It's like looking back at a stranger.
I understand and accept that I do not have what is sought on the relationship market. The upside of this is that I don't have to deal with the friends and family of someone else and I don't have to worry what these outsiders think of/make of me. That right there is a gift, it truly is. And in the straight world at least, more and more men are walking away from dating, relationships, marriage - even casual sex. In today's world, the risks are just too high and I don't blame men one iota for making this choice. Women have all the power today and it's like they are drunken sailors on this power. I am glad to not be straight - but with the caveat that gay men are often not much better nor really much different - from women. Remember Darren's remark about my sheets that set me off in 1998? Remember how Paul couldn't handle the paper build up on my side of the room in 2004?
Because I don't have a car, I don't have a driver's license, and I have not worked in years, very few people would want me in their lives these days. But there is some good here - anyone who would judge me as worthless for this I would not want in my life anyway - so maybe I can view the above as my personal screen out mechanism? At any rate, I am 55 now - how DID THAT HAPPEN - and it's time for me to just accept this. Much younger guys have accepted that they will be going through this life alone, why has it taken so long for me to come to this place? And really, realistically, I am very much in the wrong country. It is too easy here to be derailed and cast off by society as trash as I have, any many others, have been. Something that will always stand between myself and my Mother is that she takes no responsibility for how horrible it was to be hassled for my grades in behavior growing up when she was part of the instability I dealt with whenever I was at home. And then her washing her hands of my problems in eighth grade when I did try to be honest with her once, kind of, only to be told the following five words which changed the trajectory of my life - Go find yourself a friend. Very cruel and cutting words as such was not possible given the givens in my life, plus these five words made it crystal clear to me that I was on my own as far as my problems went - I would not even get her ear to listen. God that hurt, it really did. And still does to some degree, though I will also say that such makes me very grateful that I never had kids, Thank God. No child support, so kids used as a pawn to hurt me more, no screwing up a young person's life since I never got anything I needed when I was growing up. Things could be worse - I could have been straight and reproduced - Thank God that did not work out is all I can say!!!
And moving on to Texas - it turns out that the Texas GOP is once again making noises about secession from the Union. I'd actually LOVE to see this happen though I doubt that it realistically will. What crazy people these Texan Republicans are for keeping to the BS that the election was stolen from Donald Trump. OH GOD I am so so so glad that I don't live in Texas! Though I will say that this secession talk is interesting, I doubt it will actually go anywhere.
So realistically, what can I do these days? It seems as if I have so few options, it really does. I guess I can FINALLY work on getting the house done, that would get Mom a bit off my ass I guess but then it will be once again all about how things look and not how they are. I am starting to believe that Mom does not have the emotional strength to deal with how things really are and this too makes me glad that I am single and that I did not reproduce. I am also glad that my Aunt Helen is out of my life - I can remember her judging me for being cheap after I chose not to buy furniture new in Portland. I remember her saying - he's going to be so cheap. Like she had some kind of right to judge me - better to have this out of my life. And it is. And then Ivy and Colby are out of my life, too, Thank God. Ivy is the product of a woman who groomed me for my Father's money, and Colby would judge me for living at home when I have no realistic other option. Better to not have this negativity in my life. That's one thing right there that DID work out for the best in my fucked up life. And another thing I have come to learn in my life - both sides of my family are/were fucked up. BOTH.
Had I known how toxic my trip to Austria was going to be in 1987 - I would not have gone, though I also believe that back then you could have told me that. I am so glad that I am no longer in touch with that side of the family, and that my Father's side of the family has kicked me to the curb. I am better off alone than having people like this in my life, I really am. To have to meet their expectations - and for what, what exactly is the benefit when they judge, judge, judge? I really AM best off alone.
At least there are still places like this library for me - here I fade into the background and THINK and I am no one here, just a "patron" - that really works for me. Jeepers even in a recent visit to Target some aggressive salesperson approached me trying to get my cell phone business - I could not even be left alone to shop without America getting up in my face. It was however nice to tell this salesperson that I am frozen with the three big credit bureaus - that worked to get this person away from me as no credit check equals no new account. I will use this line more often in the future and not only does it work, it's TRUE, too. No lie necessary. And I am so so so glad that my credit is indeed frozen. One less thing to worry about if nothing else. I actually now wish I had never been granted credit but live and learn, what else can I say?
More later, Rob
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