I've Got To Work On Forgiveness.....

I've got to work on forgiveness.....both for myself and for my Mother.  It was made crystal clear to me yesterday with her wishing that I no longer have power of attorney over her accounts that there will be no apology.  That shaming and guilting of me based on my behavior in grade school which started the downward snowball in my life?  She walks away with no real consequences while my life will never completely heal from this insanity.  Ditto for washing her hands of my problems in eighth grade that one time I tried to be honest with her - and in return I got that cold blooded Go Find Yourself A Friend, possibly one of the cruelest things she could have ever said to me given my life situation and the fact that I was essentially an outcast and friendless.  She will get away with this, too, though I will always suffer from these five words which so changed the trajectory of my life and made me realize that I was in this alone, that I would get no real help or love or warmth from her whatsoever.  

Confronting her with these issues has yielded nothing but more problems and she will not see her role in all this and at least apologize after all these years - it's like she believes she's above responsibility/accountability.  Just like men online in the Men's Rights Activism world say - she is behaving just like that, utterly above responsibility/accountability. And she's not going to change at this late date.  I guess I need to keep my mouth shut - easier said than done - and just accept it.  It's hard, though - but one thing I WILL say - I may be a total loser in the eyes of society but there is some good here, too.  

I never reproduced, sexuality aside.  I never married, sexuality aside.  I doubt I will ever date nor have sex again and I am essentially OK with this as I understand that I don't have to offer what is sought in relationships today.  I'm also very much damaged goods and in a relationship market this cruel, I have no business throwing my hat in the ring.  None whatsoever.  So there is some good here.  And I often wonder when I was in high school and I was so so so lonely - was that real human need?  Or merely social conditioning?  I'm thinking the latter more and more as I age.  And I found a really neat reddit thread regarding gay men also giving up on dating.  The posters seem to have hobbies and careers and seem to be content and just don't want to date and the way things are these days, can you blame them?  Seriously?  

Plus honestly, with my schizoid personality disorder, anxiety, depression, and PTSD, I have no business being in the dating world anyway, and my age definitely slams many doors shut.  Is this all such a bad thing, though, really?  I don't have the skills to start a relationship, nor to keep one going and at this late date, I doubt I will ever learn said such skills.  And is this such a bad thing in a world this crazy? With this society being so incredibly anti male?  With women so demanding and judgmental?  I still remember Nita DEMANDING that I work the steps with a sponsor - I had no say in the matter and I was really upset as with Catherine I never had to deal with something like this.  No way am I going back to AA meetings or working the steps with a sponsor after my experiences in the "Program" and after learning of it's dark side and how, much like the police, issues get buried/covered up.  I believe years ago that Miriam's therapist had it right in that she or he did not want Miriam going to 12 Step meetings as they were full of unhealthy people and the therapist said the Miriam needs to be around healthy people - unlike therapists at this 12 Step Mill.  I am so glad also to not be going to 12 Step Meetings and I am also glad that people are leaving AA and NA!!! Anyway, not to get sidetracked here, that was really over the top by Nita but I do like how I nipped it in the bud by going over her head - I don't think she was expecting that on my part.  Surprise, Surprise!!! Just like I don't think John Masciola thought I'd be the one who got away - got news for all - I am indeed the one who got away, Thank God!  

Here's something I find amazing - I've been to Navy Federal Credit Union up at the Collonade again after some time away and it seems to be all new staff and it further seems that regardless of benefits, NFCU is also dealing with the Great Resignation - amazing, given that NFCU actually has a defined pension benefit and must be like the last employer of a non-governmental nature in the US to offer a pension.  And thinking of governmental jobs -  before the Internet I did work briefly for County Government in Oregon - the background check was for Oregon only and under those conditions, I background check completely clear.  Today I could NEVER have that job, but I must remember this was pre-Internet quick and cheap background checks, and it was also before 9/11 and the national paranoia 9/11 started.  

'Tis a good thing I am seeing women much clearer as they are - Rosi in Vienna stating I was going to Thailand for THAT.....when I have not had sex in years and don't care to ever have sex again - huh?  If she really thinks that lowly of me I don't need to have her in my life.  Seriously, I just don't need that.  I wish more and more now that I had never set foot in Austria, truth be told.  And my experience far from tourist guidebooks of actual Austrians in their native habitat at a BBQ/cookout where that one man said - the only good Jew is a dead Jew?  That right there was/is Austria - and yet Austrians will judge me?  After WW2 and believing this?  I don't need that in my life, no I really don't.  And I am really hurt.  All these years later after all this pain there can be no apology but it's OK to think that I went to Thailand for that?  I don't need that, no I really don't.  And the real consequences of all the mistakes all these years later - mean nothing compared to how she feels and how things look - with how things really are meaning nothing.  How to forgive this?  Lord, I really do wish that I had never set foot in Austria, really I do mean this.  Renate and Johannes - this was bad news for both sides of the equation but they are no longer with us, Johannes passed I believe in 1994 and Renate in 2004 - she didn't make it to 70 much like Charlie did not - I wonder whatever she passed from?  All these years later I can remember her saying - see, that's socialism about the neighbors next door not working and looking out over their balcony.  Really, I don't belong around people like that, either, they are entirely too toxic for me, they really are.  

I just mostly need to be left alone, though I will say last Friday's experience at the UPS store was a bit of a lift - when I gave that young clerk a mini-lecture about doing without a car so as to not work until I am dead and having that owner/manager agree with me - that was GOLD these days.  I hope to see him once again and smile and wave.  At least that's better than nothing, right?  And it was niceness that was totally unexpected.  So that much was nice, yes.  As was Peter Rubas standing up for me to my Mother in Vienna - at least someone else could see what I was dealing with, and without a word even having to be said.  That was cool. I am glad that before things changed I was able to send him a Mexican wallet and also given him a 1 ounce sterling silver US coin.  That right there just seemed so right and once again, I am glad that I was able to do these things.  Funny that I used to find Peter Rubas annoying, now to me he's like the one person in Austria I find tolerable.  Funny how things change as life moves on.  

I'm not the horrible tyrant that Mom makes me out to be and that society makes me out to be due to my two arrests and two misdemeanors, now over 30 years old.  Life lesson:  It's OK to minimize dealings with those who see me that way after all these years - such people were not there for me when I desperately needed someone to tell me that life moves on, this is not forever, and that things change.  But now they can judge me?  Why am I in this society even trying, seriously?  

More later, Rob